Your light was just too bright for this earth

I'm not sure if many of you know who Gregory Conklin is but he was the sunshine in my days. It seems when I think back to Sept 2001-February 2006 so much of my memories and days revolved around Gregory. Moving across the street from him made it so much easier to be with him and to see him. I was able to come over and play and I was able to be there to watch Brooklynne if there was a doctors appointment or work for Abra to do.

At the same time, I wish I could have seen him more. I only visited him in the hospital twice. It wasn't because I didn't want to see him there, but I was afraid that I would get him sick. I always have a stuffy nose and often have a sore throat and rather than say it's allergies and risk it, I always opted to stay home. I know he knew that was the reason.

But I remember whenever he would come home, I'd be there standing outside of the van waiting to get the first photograph of his smile and to feel his sunlight again. Gregory fought the tough battles and won more than we ever thought possible. I remember one day he was on his way home from the hospital and I was still at school. I was probably going to miss his arrival by 5 or 10 minutes. I rushed my mom home, and when we got to the neighborhood, I jumped out of the car and ran the rest of the way to make sure I saw him.

Because Gregory's smile could win wars in my eyes. He keeps me fighting day after day, never giving into the problems that plague me and the ones I love. My sunshine is what made me realize I need to chase after my dreams because you never know what could happen tomorrow.

I don't exactly get sad when I think of Gregory. I cry, but they're happy tears - he lived such a strong life and he has been my inspiration for so much, he's no longer in pain - and for that I am happy. We had a celebration the day of his funeral - we celebrated his life - because he truly was one amazing little man.

Abra posted on Gregory's fan page on FB a tribute video that her brother and sister-in-law wrote for him and it is absolutely beautiful. I wanted to share it. Gregory's Song

So much of being a warrior queen is about being strong, living for today, and following your dreams. That's why I wanted to share my sunshine with you. If you want to learn more about Gregory's story and fight, follow this link.

Oh how I love tickets

Before I start on my rant, if you feel like commenting with some variation of "you need to be a better driver to not get tickets" i will punch you the next time i see you. Mostly because it's annoying but partly because i put my car on cruise control the speed limit to ensure no speeding (on the freeways).

Honestly though, I really think I have a big fat TICKET ME sign flashing over my head // my car. Let me just list it out for ya really fast...and keep in mind...this is since my 20th birthday in June...

1. Speeding ticket -- 85 in a 65 ~ $460 to do traffic school
2. Texting ticket ~ $180
3. License Plate ticket -- apparently, i had the wrong plates on my car!? ~ $50
4. Speeding ticket -- 55 in a 40 ~ ?? idk i got it yesterday
5. Parking ticket -- only, it was legal to park there so i'm fighting it ~ $30

REALLY? did this REALLY all happen in the past 4 months?

Whyy yes, yes it did. And I'm really not sure how other than the fact that obviously I was speeding. I thought the speed limit was 45...I thought i was going 45 but it was downhill so maybe my car was accelerating...I was jamming to my music, not watching the spedometer.

It really just gets my panties in a bunch though that I'm just an average person getting all of these tickets. I think it'd be more beneficial to Orange County if I just went and robbed the B of A on Ridge Route and gave them that money! It'd be a hell of a lot more than the 600 - 1,000 it's wrangled out of me this year!!

Honestly though, shouldn't our cops be focusing on other things that are maybe a little more MAJOR than someone going over the speed limit but under reckless endangerment?! Such as, you know, catching the guys who robbed the Ridge Route B of A!! OR maybe catching the cars that go speed racing AROUND me as I'm cruising at 75 on the freeway...

I know that they're only out there catching the mid-level speeders because it's less of a chase and generates more revenue. All I'm saying is, shouldn't they be more worried about the bettermant of society instead of money...isn't that what the police force is for...ughh. fuck beauracracy.

Okay, I'm done. My head might explode.

WQ of the Month

Today i want to identify one of my favorite warrior queens. She is seriously one of the strongest people I know. Life has thrown so much at her but she refuses to let it hold her back. She's grown a lot stronger in the past 18 months. I love my mom.

As a child, and up untila few years ago, i never realized her strength. Everyday she refuses to give up, always doing all she can for my brother and I. Especially when we have the opportunity and drive to do something. She has always supported us, even if / when we tried to walk all over her.

Mostly, she has a strong heart. She gets out of bed everyday in spite of the chaos life throws her way. It's so inspirational. She loves with more than I've ever seen. I get this trait from her.

She says I taught her to be a WQ, but without knowing it, she's been teaching me since day one. And now, we are each others' strength. Without her love and support I would be NOWHERE near the person I am today.

I love you mommy. =]

Listening

My friends are my life. I know that sounds cliche and/or like I'm channeling the narrator of "The Perks of Being a Wallflower;" however it's the truth.

I hate hate hate hate hate seeing my friends upset. Even if I barely know them. It's the reason I want to start my magazine and have this blog - to help others. I hate seeing people upset and I become a close friend to many strangers quickly because I take the time to listen. I know I'm always running my mouth but I love to listen. I really feel hardly anyone listens anymore. By this I don't mean people don't hear the words that are being said. I mean that they don't LISTEN to the the emotion; the body language; the past, present, future; the words that are not being spoken.

It's easy to make someone's day. All it takes is a little effort. Honestly. One text. One how are you? 2, maybe 10 minutes out of your day.

But, really, everyone is just too busy for that. But it's not real busyness - it's all busy work. Believe me, I'm the queen of busy work. I'm always doing something - I HATE being idle. But, I like to check up on my friends.

I mean, how hard is it to think of someone else for 30 seconds and let them know you're thinking of them? I like to text my friends on Mondays. (because I have a belief that Mondays are the worst days of the week) I'll text them something simple, an "i love you" "i'm thinking of you" or "i hope you have a fabulous day!" 9 of the 10 people reply with "thank you, that just made my day."

See how simple it is?

Happy

I'm the type of person who music speaks to. If I can't think of the words to say, odds are someone's written a song that says it for me. I also like to pick out songs that are awesome for Warrior Queens. So this blog isn't so much a blog where I write a bunch of stuff, but more like here's some song lyrics for you =]

Happy by Leona Lewis
Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything
Don't you take chances
Might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain
Cause love won't set you free
I can't stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

Chorus:
So what if it hurts me?
So what if i break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

Verse 2:
Holding on tightly
Just can't let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear, ohh
But all these days, they feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me out of here
I can't stand by your side, ohh no
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

Chorus:
So what if it hurts me?
So what if i break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh

Bridge:
So any turns that i can't see,
like I'm a stranger on this road
But don't say victim
Don't say anything

Chorus:
So what if it hurts me?
So what if i break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me

Outro:
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy
I just wanna be, ohh
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, happy

Freak out much?!

I am a stress case. Plain and simple. It's kind of like a walking time bomb only I have a lot of little explosions instead of one big one.

The important thing, though, is that I try not to be a stress case. This may turn out to be counterproductive because I'm stressing about stressing. I have a lot of pressure. It started externally but, because of my drive and how much I love approval, it's manifested into a lot of presure I put on myself (and sometimes others, I'm sorry). Some say I'm a perfectionist, but really things don't have to be perfect. I just need to be in control of my chaos.

I really am trying to have patience and "dgaf" as everyone likes to tell me. "Calm down!" Show me how and maybe I can, but I've been trying to figure out that one for 20 years...There appears to be a part of me that I haven't yet figured out how to get to. Basically, I will freak out but at the same time I will be watching myself freak out, telling myself that it will all work out. I know it will. I can be rational sometimes (though Mr. Shields will never believe that - I'm a crazy person and thus do not count). In the grand scheme of things the fact that I made it to school safely is a bigger deal than the fact that I was 10 minutes late to my midterm. But for some reason in the midst of my freak out that fact doesn't seem to have any weight to it.

The good thing is that I know I'm not alone. I get my "freak outs" from both sides of the family. I also tend to attract people who have freak outs as well. sometimes we feed off each other but generally we can calm each other down in a manner that no one else really can.

I have this believe that everyone freaks out but in different ways. I have several friends who freak out and have panic attacks all the time like I do. But then therea re the people who don't face it and bottle it up and then explode one day. ((I used to be like this)) Both are bad, I guess.

I just need to find the balance where I care enough and give enough but where I'm calmer and not giving all of myself away. That's what I strive for, everyday.

Skinny Bitch

Today my eyes were opened up to an ad that was recently published in Ralph Lauren featuring a very skinny and very disproportionate model Filippa Hamilton. Obviously this ad is drastically photoshopped because she is 5'10 and weighs 120 pounds.

This photoshop job seems to have brought up MANY issues that girls have to deal with thanks to the bad part of the media - something that I intend to fight for the rest of my life. (in typical me fashion...a list)

1. Photoshopping in the media
2. Ralph Lauren firing her for being "overweight"
3. Too skinny girls!!

1. Now don't get me wrong, I looove to photoshop things. Photo editing is so much fun, but I really don't understand the point of photoshopping models. I really don't see any positive outcome from this - everyone knows that the models are CLEARLY photoshopped and not that tiny in real life. But some people have such distorted self-confidence and views of themselves that they believe that people really can look that way - that a Barbie really does exist. (I linked this to the column i wrote about Barbie in my journalism class)

2. IDK about you, but 120 at 5'10 is definitely generally considered UNDERweight not OVERweight. Wayyy to be good role models Ralph Lauren!! But really, I don't understand why models have to be so skinny anyway? It would make sense if the general population was that skinny but no matter how many ads they print with girls who definitely need to eat a sandwich the vast majority of the population is NOT getting skinnier...

3. Skinny girls - go eat a sandwich. Seriously. If you have an ED talk to someone. There's always going to be someone willing to help, someone who loves you. And if you're like me and just can't gain weight...well...there are ways if you REALLY want to. Just be healthy!! Size shouldn't matter as long as we are HEALTHY.

Alright, enough ramblings for tonight. <3

Girls, Girls, Girls

Have you ever noticed that when there's a problem we, as girls, are quick to blame each other before blaming any one else?

Seriously, us girls have an issue of blaming each other instead of JOINING together. Time and time again I have watched friendships break up because of something this boy did, something someone else said, etc. All I have to say is...are our friendships REALLY that disposable and shallow?! Are we really going to throw away a best friend because she was venting about you to someone else?

Speaking of, WHY do we vent to other people about each other?! Why don't we have the guts to just confront each other and say "hey, look, this has been bugging me and I just wnted to solve it..." But noooo we just have to have misunderstanding after misunderstanding. We're like the queens of miscommunication!

But really we should be banding together against the world! Instead of cutting each other down because of how someone dresses, etc we should be admiring her for having the guts to dress in such a manner!!

I just started at my new job a little over a week ago, and ALREADY there is girl drama. Girls who are telling others what to do, gossiping in the bathrooms, sneering at each other, etc. SO WHAT if she has a baby and is 17 years old?! It's her life, she's a great person...

Girls are so quick to pass judgment on one another. But if we don't support each other who will? Only we can truly understand our crazy mood swings, the way a girl's brain works, hormones, PMS, etc...

Girls are PROS at holding grudges. I hate holding grudges - if people annoy me or make me angry, chances are I'm over it within the next few days. My psychologist likes to tell me TO BE angry. Because I'm generally not. But what really gets my panties in a bunch is seeing girls hang each other out to dry.

So, what do you say? We try to support each other and love each other a little more? That's what i'm trying to do!

Times Change

As everyone knows, I've been strongly pushing toward more and more guest writers and I am ABSOLUTELY delighted whenever anyone wants to write for me. A good friend of mine, Courtney, wrote out a little ramble today and realized that it totally fits the format for a blog and I told her I could throw it up on my blog. It's very interesting and something that I've been trying to figure out how to formulate into words.

We're 20. But many of us know people who are getting married, having kids, and making huge life changing decisions. It's so weird! But anyway, here's Courtney's blog. =]

Did you ever have that original group of girls in junior high or high school that you spent all your time with? Boys were stupid so you had to stick together. Each had their personality. The soccer player; the church girl; the one who has to be the center of attention; the pretty one; the rich one; and the awkward nerdy two that stuck together more than the rest.

Yea, I was one of the awkward two. There wasn't really much of an option for me to escape it. Three years of braces, and hitting puberty -- later I was called the whore--though I'd done nothing to warrant being called "whore" except to have boobs that the others didn't. I can laugh about it now because at the time I'd been convinced I would be awkward, flat, and probably alone forever. But life, and puberty, said otherwise.

After time passed, we all went our separate ways. Some of us lost touch, others just didn't seem to care. There were bigger and better things ahead. Things that most of us didn't ever see coming until they happened. Break ups, fights, and relationships dashed on the rocks. It seemed that the only relationship that remained after all was said and done by the end of high school, was that my best friend and I – the other awkward nerdy one – were the only ones that had survived all the way through. The rich one moved up in the social order of high school (we didn't like that too much). When your friend walks past you with everyone else like you're invisible it hurts. The church girl went away to college far away where we still miss her a lot. The center of attention, well most of us had lost touch with her by the time college started. She's now getting married, which threw me off by how unexpected it was to hear. But I'm really happy she's found her man, he seems really nice.

This is such a strange period of life. From age 19-21, so much changes. Your friends go away or stay close for college. Work schedules clash and impact whether you ever get to see your friends. And after not seeing them for awhile things happen. Things? People get engaged, people make life decisions, people join the military. How do you react? The one getting engaged, upon first hearing that my old friend was getting married--I thought, "wow when we made our predictions she was so close to the bottom of our "who will get married first? list". I am a little jealous....being that I have my own romantic relationship going on. And this isn't like oh hey there we're dating, we've been together twice as long as the couple whose getting hitched this next year.

A little piece of me says it's not the right time and I know this very well but the other side says, "Why aren't I the first one? Why isn't this happening to me? Will it happen to me? How long do I have to wait?" I know I'm young, I'm poor, and have to wait. It'll be worth it when it does happen. No sense in hurrying, I'm only 20. Yet still, it's weird. I know I won't be attending the wedding being that we're no longer close friends, but I'll see the pictures afterward. They'll be smiling, and I can click the "like" button or leave a comment to say congratulations!

I'll just conclude my ramblings with this.

We all were so close before, years before, then life happened. Why are my relationships with other women always so difficult to keep up with? I guess that's why I shifted to being "one of the guys". It was easier, it was less drama. There was no more arguments over who liked who, or jealousy of what the other was wearing, no competition. But in the end, I look back and still see those original girls that I sat at lunch with my freshman year. All of us were so young, I looked like a 12 year old for crying out loud! Now, I'm just curious to see who will be next. Who will be the first one to have a baby? Generally the married ones are at the top of the list for babies, but you never know. Life sure likes to surprise you, doesn't it?

I think she should start one herself...let me know what you think <3

Modern Feminism

Yesterday I was bored and reading MySpace bulletins and came across one that looked pretty promising. The subject was “HAHAHAHA thanks conservapedia.” Instantly, I knew I had to read it. This is what I found:

Specifically, a modern feminist tends to:

* believe that there are no meaningful differences between men and women - 1
* oppose chivalry and even feign insult at harmless displays of it - 2
* view traditional marriage as unacceptably patriarchal
* shirk traditional gender activities, like baking - 3
* support affirmative action for women
* detest women who are happy in traditional roles, such as housewives,and especially dislike those who defend such roles - 4
* prefer that women wear pants rather than dresses, presumably because men do
* seek women in combat in the military just like men, and coed submarines
* refuse to take her husband's last name when marrying
* distort historical focus onto female figures, often overshadowing important events (Eg: Henry VIII's wives take precedence in common knowledge to his actual reign.)
* object to being addressed as "ma'am"
wow, I definitely hate baking because its SOO stereotypically a woman's duty.

Of course my first reaction was WOW. I need to go to this website. Because, yes, I consider myself a feminist. Not a feminazi who hates all males in existence, but I am a very big advocate of women. You know the song “anything you can do I can do better”? That was my motto throughout my childhood. When boys tried to boss me around or called me mean things or hit me with a ball I would march over to them and give them an earful. Of course, if they called me four-eyes...well, let's just say I dealt with that in a much more “girly” fashion – tears and tattling. [[Hey, every girl has her vice!]]

So basically...I want to address the things that I think are a little ludicrous for people to believe...(numbered)

1. There is a distinct difference between men and women...physically alone. But as my anthropology teacher always says, women are VALUABLE because they can bear children. Men are dispensable and that's why they hunt [[haha, of course, that's not the reason men in America hunt]]

2. I like chivalry. It's cute.

3. I think it's a lot of fun to do “traditional gender activities” like baking...but I love to be pampered too =]

4. I think a woman should be whatever she wants to be. If that's a housewife who goes to college to find a husband I might think that's a definite waste of money but, it's your life...why should I care?!

5. I like to wear dresses. They make me feel prettyyyyy!! but I do wear shorts under them...because...I'm a klutz.

6. I think it's kinda cool that women get to choose their own last name at one point in their lives!!

SO I want to know thoughts on feminism. Is a warrior queen a feminist? Or is she just a strong, confident woman?

p.s. Www.conservapedia.com is the website that was found on...interesting to say the least.

"I" Statements: Selfish and Selfless

I've been asking everyone to be a "guest writer" on my blog. My best friend decided to submit something for me to post up, and it really is something that makes you think and REALLY is such a part of being a warrior queen. Being a warrior queen is about doing what is right for you, but not about being selfish. I, as a warrior queen, strive to be self-less. But there are always those incidences where you HAVE to be selfish to save yourself from the ills of others...

I wonder if we counted how many “I" statements we said each day what would be the total; the hundreds, thousands, millions, could we even count that high?

We are in a world that is so focused on ourselves. We complain about how the world is treating us. Stop complaining, face what is in front of you; handle and deal with it.

Why do we complain about thing that do not affect us or we complain as a victim? As if it was inflicted upon us and we are blameless. “My test was so hard.” If we studied harder, it would
not have been. We try to remain blameless in situations where we really are to blame.

“She’s so mean to me.” When in actuality we allow them be mean. [["No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," Eleanor Roosevelt.]] In addition, we take offense because we feel entitled. We are entitled to nothing. We deserve nothing but receive everything. I am complaining about complainers. Complaining is used to draw attention to one’s self. I need
to learn to sit back and enjoy everything about life. Trashing another person does nothing but boast. If it’s not hurting us why does it matter that: her mom does her homework or she took modeling photos. We complain so much in this world. I am sick of it and I do it so much. Praise each other for the little accomplishment. In conversations listening to others points
of views and wait to add in your two cents, don’t sit there contemplating what you are going to say next. I am sassy and I noticed it a lot this summer. I saw that almost every statement to certain people was almost always sarcastic and nasty. Why? Because I wanted to take out how I felt about my situation on them. Sarcasm is used to bring attention to myself and how witty I am at the expense of someone else.

In a world that is trying to change for better; how can we change if we were are all so focused on our selves instead of everyone. I am not saying we need a collative society focused on the betterment of the whole; but rather we need to stop
trying to make ourselves look better and focus on the world around us.

Reflections

It's been roughly six months since I moved home from Ohio. I left that craziness to fall right into the California craziness. It seems like the craziness just doesn't end. I thought now would be a good time for reflection because - yes I've had a lot of ups and downs in both Ohio and California - but I truly believe that I am closer to feeling completely like “me” than I was 6 months ago. I;m also confident that in another 6 months I'll feel a lot closer to being the person who I was in high school, just older and wiser.

I know that everyday of my life I'm going to be searching for who I am and trying to find ways to better myself. This is my lifelong search and I seriously hope that I never feel like I've “found myself.” As for right now, I've made a lot of positive changes to make myself HAPPIER. Because happiness is my ultimate goal, not contentment – I feel that contentment is the death of a dream.

My goals when I came home from Ohio was as follows (because I love lists):

• to find a good paying job

• to save up money to move out by June

• to fix chuck

• to pay off my debts

• to go to concerts

• to spend time with my friends

• to go to Ohio for a visit

• to go to school

• to start my blog

Obviously, after 6 months, I have 5 of that list completed. I have finally found a good job (it's not exactly good paying but I will be getting lots of hours. Also, I'm still searching for a receptionist job so I could have two). I went to lots of concerts and spent time with my friends (although most of them live far away). I am currently attending school to get the rest of my GEC's out of the way. AND I started my blog!! I decided it's time for a new list of goals for the next 6 months – to modify these slightly. I'm hoping that less craziness (anxiety, hormonal, etc) happens in this 6 months so I can achieve my goal!

• to get into CSUN

• to pay off my debts ($2,000)

• to fix Chuck

• to move out by July 2010

• to volunteer as much as I can

• to get a 4.0 both semesters

• to save up money!!

• to get an internship at Ms. Magazine!

Of course, my goals are ambitious, and some of them are a little longer than the next 6 months (Chuck and moving out) but I really feel that these are the next steps toward my happiness. I am happy right now – I have an amazing family (that craziness is settling down), I have an amazing boyfriend (this crazy has also settled down), I have amazing friends (though many live too far away) and I am in school working toward my future. I've just begun my new job and got out of that shitty situation at my old work and hopefully will be able to start saving up my money!!

Wish me luck!