Making this more personal

I think one of my biggest problems with blogging is that I get bogged down in making this representative of what I want the magazine to be, instead of making it completely personal. When it was completely personal in 2009 and 2010, I had a much easier time writing posts and thus wrote more frequently.

Don't get me wrong, I love researching and writing article like posts, that is after all what I went to school for. However, I just get so bogged down and don't always have a ton of time. You know me. I'm always running around a hot mess [especially when my challenges to myself don't work]/ 

I'm hoping that by making this more personal it helps me reach my goal quicker, stay true to myself more and help me to write more often instead of overly worrying about how my blogs are going to be received. I want to make this more like my old Xanga. So my writing might not be full posts, it might be a jumble of thoughts but these are my thoughts and my journey on staying true to my warrior queen self. Of course sometimes there will be guest posts and I welcome any and all posts on becoming more true to you and more of a warrior queen. 

In my attempt to become more warrior queen, I am always looking for ways to better myself. This month I have decided to take part in two different blog things to do that and to create a stronger blogging community [also in hopes of helping me write more. Let's face it, I'm much more centered and focused when I'm writing.] I have joined both the Carabox Exchange on Wifessionals, and also the Bigs and Littles that she hosts along with Mallory. They have been my inspiration to make my blog more true to me and less magazine like. :)

A Carabox is a way to meet more friends in the blogging community and to offer encouragement to others. It is very warrior queen!! I was matched with Amanda at Pixies and Periwinkles and Laura at Simply Me, As I See It. I was so excited to see that the three of us are all baseball fans!! Anyway, Amanda's other match had her do an about me quiz and post it on her blog. If you ever felt like exploring my high school xanga, you would see that I am OBSESSED with this type of thing. So I decided to do it, too :)

You'll Find in My Bag:

1. Phone

2. Wallet

3. The medicine cabinet

4. Straw Wrappers (the curse of being a server)

5. Pens

You'll Find in My Bedroom:

1. Clothes all over the floor [most days]

2. Books

3. A hilariously huge canvas closeup of mine and Iman's faces

4. A  cat or four

5. Lots of blankets!!

I've always wanted to:

1. Finish my Never list

2. Start my own magazine

3. Learn to ride my dirtbike

4. Be Organized

5. Be more confident in my crafting

I'm Currently Loving:

1. All my new jeans from Krystal

2. Hazelnut Machiattos at Starbucks

3. Wedding Planning

4. Our morning oatmeal smoothies

5. Fresh and Easy

Quirks I Have:

1.Sometimes I say really morbid things in a happy tone

2. I talk A LOT and often it doesn't make sense

3. When I tell a story it is similar to the way a newspaper is written

4. I cannot finish the last bite for the life of me

5. My socks have to be just perfect or my day is ruined

And that's just a little bit about me!  Tell me something about you!

Self-Evaluation

I wrote this in December...

I am who I am. I live my life in extremes. People might consider that bipolarism; it is anything but. I like to feel my emotions to their fullest to see what I can learn from them. I enjoy learning. There are lessons in everything, it just takes a little searching. I don't believe people when they say that life is boring or meaningless. To me, it means that they aren't truly living. I have always been questioned on why I keep myself busy and why I always have an exciting life, a story to tell. The truth is because i live.

At 19, I have figured out exactly HOW to live my life to get the most out of it. I experience it all - i taste it, smell it, see it, hear it, touch it. I like to be busy, because I hate what if's and "could have done's." In this state of control, my life is chaotic. I never know how it is going to turn out and that excites me. I know that it will work though. Somehow, in someway, I will be okay and pull through this because, I was meant to live my life. People never realize how much control i always have in any given situation. I'm a control freak. Those that have worked with me or seen me work on the newspaper know this. But I live my life in a way that, the control looks chaotic. It looks like I might tip over the edge and be unstable, but I am far from it. I have never once been so intoxicated with anything that I have lost control or forgotten what has happened. Nor have I allowed myself to completely lose myself to anyone person in love or in anger. My control is always just slack enough for me to truly experience the situation. Maybe i experience too much. I can recall things said, feelings felt, the touch of someone, background noise, tastes, smells...It's incredible. But again, nothing is ever too little. uite the opposite, I feel too much. I care too much about people [[some of whom don't deserve it, in the eyes of others.]] I try to do too much in my day and life [[and end up exhausted or sick]]. But that's okay.

I am determined. Determined to never regret. I don't always understand why things happen or don't happen but I'm okay with that. As a journalist, I'm supposed to ask questions, I just don't always ask myself why. It always reveals itself in time, I have found. No one understands how my only regret is that I didn't visit Gregory enough in the hospital. I wish I could have learned more from him. He was the strongest person I've ever known and he was just a child. For him, I live. For him, I am strong. He is my guardian angel, my hope, my sunlight between the clouds. He pushes me everyday. I believe everyone has the ability to be like this. To put their trust inthemselves. To have faith in life. Not exactly God [[though that IS a part of life]] but in life.

At the same time though, I am scared. I am scared because of how I have been hurt, [[but isn't everyone]]. I try not to let it hinder me, though. Fear can set us back so much, when really it should free us. I am scared of chaos and change, yet they are the only things that have been truly constant in my life aside from a neverending supply of love. I fight myself everyday to overcome my fears. I am my own worst critic; the one thing that disappoints me the most. That's usually why I cry or get so upset in situations. Not because of the other person, but the fact that I allowed it to happen. It's the control thing. It's the OCD. These are the things I dislike about myself, but I am okay with that. I can't have the good without the bad. All I can do is accept it - to accept my flaws. And I do. I hope that you do too. Thank you.