When Anxiety Gets Unbearable

On Monday, I mentioned an appointment next week for anti-anxiety medicine and I am very excited but also very nervous. As you might recall, I have written about anxiety often, including the quote from my friend about it being a chemical imbalance.

I believe that anxiety medicine can be necessary for some people and is very helpful in living life at a lower frequency level. I plan on searching for more alternative solutions, as well. As of now, I would not want to stay on anti-anxiety medicine indefinitely, but I do not know exactly how the medicine will affect me. My friends and family tell me that it makes it so that everything is easier to deal with.

I know that my high anxiety is not a constant thing, although it has reached an all time high. I have noticed that some of my OCD is stronger lately, as well. I am getting frustrated easier and Iman is doing his best to help me feel calm. What a wonderful husband to help me through this within our first three months of marriage. P.s. It was 3 months on Saturday!!

Doing it All

I'm in the market for some advice today. I hope that this blog isn't all over the place. It doesn't feel like it is, but it may be.

Do you ever struggle with wanting to do it all? I honestly, struggle with this constantly. I have perfectionist tendencies, but I'm not a hardcore perfectionist. I can let things go and not be in control of everything. It is difficult because the main component of my OCD is that I need to feel in control, or more specifically, stable.

I'm Not Crazy

Words spoken by one of my best friends in the midst of one of my biggest anxiety attacks of my life.

Do you ever feel crazy? Literally, sitting there feeling emotions that you know are unfounded but you can't seem to stop. I've found myself literally battling myself, trying to return to reality - trying to find something to ground me.

 I know it isn't normal to get so worked up about many of the things that cause my panic attacks. I know it isn't normal to have paralyzing panic attacks because some stranger saw me walk into a room. I know this.

I also know that it isn't crazy, or abnormal. I know that I am not alone.

The mind is a complex thing and hormones and chemical reactions within our bodies are real. If you've ever taken a psychology class, you know that every bad thing that happens or someone does can be traced back to these reactions.

Most people don't seek treatment, when it would help them tremendously. There is a stigma about going to a therapist, counselor or psychiatrist.

I think it should be completely normal, especially because I believe it helps us to be enlightened. I also believe that birth control pills - however wonderful they are - cause more anxiety in women than normal. I believe that it is caused by an increase in estrogen, and I believe this because I have experienced it first hand.

I have seen the difference in myself between three different types of birth control and no birth control. There is no denying that I have an anxiety disorder or two. I only haven't been diagnosed because I haven't been to the psychiatrist. (It's always been on my list, I've just always found ways to overcome my anxiety and live with it.)

When I was on Yaz, I had a minimum of ten panic attacks a day. My psychologist taught me EFT and it has helped me tremendously. I also switched back to Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo. Which limited my panic attacks to a few times a day, or even once a week. Then I switched to Implanon - a progesterin only implant that lasted for three years. I had less than ten panic attacks in those three years. When the three years was up, I went back to Ortho and, within the last year, noticed an upswing in panic attacks and anxiety again. After the wedding I was planning on finding a new progesterin only birth control, but instead we've decided it is better for me to stop.

Since stopping, I've still had a panic attack, but the hormones are still on their way out of my body. Overall, I feel like a different person. My skin doesn't crawl randomly, and my heart doesn't beat out of my chest unless something happens to cause my adrenaline. It's wonderful.

If you feel like you have a heightened sense of anxiety or panic, especially when it is unfounded (i.e. you're eating an apple and all of a sudden you can't breathe and your heart is pounding for NO REASON), please seek help. Seek counseling and talk to a doctor. They can only help you feel 100% you, if you share with them how you are truly feeling. Some of us have chemical imbalances. Some need to  be treated by medication, and some are less of an imbalance and can be managed without. We all find our ways to cope, and we all ask that others try to understand us.

I'm not crazy, I just have a chemical imbalance.

For more about this topic, Emma at It's Emma Elise talks a lot about her OCD  and General Anxiety Disorder, even answering questions from others. Check it out!

Please do not feel alone in this, I will forever be available to help you through it. Just shoot me an email.



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Wednesday Night Epiphanies

Last night, as I had yet another night of insomnia I decided that I might need to get this checked out. I don't think it's normal to sleep as little as I do. I might be about to get super serious on you, but I know that somehow my anxiety disorder is involved and somehow I need to figure this ish out before I drive everyone around me insane.

I think that I am on the correct path. I think that I lost myself for a little bit. I'm not too sure how, but I think I'm still doing some adjusting and need to do some looking at myself. In this, my blog posts might change. Originally, this blog was very full of serious posts. Then things became lighter as I had less seriousness in my life - less worries to figure out. I think during that time I forgot to keep doing some self- evaluations and figure out ways I can treat myself better or be a better version of me.

It may sound silly, but I think that I actually got more self-absorbed by not thinking about myself - well, my true self. I don't like being self-absorbed, although I definitely think that a degree of selfishness is necessary in every person.

I have a lot of things planned for 2014 - a lot of fun blog things. Some serious, some not so serious. Hopefully they all continue my growth as a blogger and as a human being. I'm curious to know what you, my readers, want to see more of. Please fill out the form below to let me know!!

On that same note, I want to also divulge that, while I blog pretty regularly now, I may blog more sporadically in the new year. It is getting closer to my wedding and I might get burned out. I'm not sure, I've never planned anything so big as my life with another person. I am excited. I am scared. I am happy.

But I'm also not happy. I'm not sure if this is common or if I am the only weird one out there but at night, I get incredibly sad sometimes. Maybe I'm letting the stressors from the day finally hit me; maybe I'm not focusing on the feelings I need to focus on; maybe I just need more sleep but this is definitely something I need to fix.

So if you ask how I am and I tell you I'm happy, I am. I am incredibly happy and thankful for my life. I'm just trying to figure my head out.

While trying to get my brain to shut off last night I read a lot of my really old posts - I'm taking 2009 and 2010. I feel like I was going through a pretty big life transition back then.  Here are some examples:

Passing Judgement
Rumor Has It
Girl Cruelty and Jealousy
Big Changes, Big Problems
Be Love

Please let me know what you think about these posts and what direction my blog is heading in :)






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Music Can Save You

Yesterday, as I was driving home I had a concert in my car. Full on sang my heart out, much to the enjoyment of the cars stuck in traffic around me. They kept staring at me like I was some sort of anamoly.

Hellooo, people sing in the car all of the time!!! 

Basically, I found this mix I made in 2011 called "Rainy Day" and it has all of these amazing songs on it. Do you listen to Jack's Mannequin or Owl City? I might be about to change your life...

The beauty in these two bands, is that they have the ability to cheer you up. Seriously, I'm a kid from the emo generation. Our songs were always semi-depressing, but the ones I liked always seemed to take it and make it happier.

So I thought I'd share some Jack's Mannequin lyrics and songs today, in case anyone out there needed a pick me up. Seriously, you're about to see just how amazing these lyrics are. Might I add that Andrew McMahon is AMAZING. He's battled cancer and started the Dear Jack Foundation. But you'll see him on stage rocking the piano with all he's got. So much energy! I need to go to another concert.

Without further ado...my favorite JM songs!

1. Spinning - "I can't remember when the earth turned slowly so I just waited with the lights turned out again. I lost my place but I can't stop this story. I've found my way, but in the end I’m only spinning"

If you know me, you know that I have a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. This one's got that calming reminder.

2. Dark Blue - "Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you. I said the world could be burning 'til there's nothing but dark blue..Just dark blue"

I think these words could be taken a few ways. For me, they always made me think of battling depression and not being alone. 

3. Miss Delaney - "Finally, I'm letting go of all my downer thoughts. In no time there'll be one less sad robot."

This song is more just because I like the tune. 

4. Holiday From Real - "Oh, California in the Summer Ah, and my hair is growing long. Fuck yeah, we can live like this. If you left it up to me everyday would be a holiday from real." 

This one is just plain fun. Plus California summers are my favorite :) 

5. I'm Ready - "I am aware, I've been misled. I disconnect my heart, my head. Don't wanna recognize when things go bad. The things that you'll accept, accept that I am finding the words... to say"

Here's the thing. Unless you go read my archives, you don't know that I used to be heartbroken mess. My ex would go back and forth with me for three years. We had a couple of more years of history before that, too. So to say that it was difficult for me to like someone or to fall for someone is an understatement. I have my running shoes. They're in a box now, but they used to always be with me...This song was my soundtrack to falling in love with Iman as an adult.

6. Swim - "I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn. Memories like bullets they fired at me from a gun - A crack in the armor. I swim to brighter days Despite the absence of sun. Choking on salt water, I'm not giving in. I swim."

This is another one, reminding you to just go on. I just highlighted the chorus, but seriously...so good. 

7. American Love - "Big hearts, big hearts. Big hearts are for breaking"

    This is sort of my favorite heartbreak song. I always say I have a big heart, so it was perfect when I was        heartbroken

8. Release Me - "release me take another piece of me And there won't be another left unless you let go"

     Another great heartbreak song....but once you're ready to get over it :) 

9. You Can Breathe - "You can breathe, you can breathe now. You can breathe, but the air is running out on you"

Another reminder about breathing ;) 

Aaaand because I have OCD, I needed to include a 10th song...so here's my favorite Owl City song. I am actually getting some of these lyrics tattooed onto me :)

10. Plant Life - "I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest,The trees keep the tempo and they sway in time, Quartet of crickets chime in for the chorus, If I were to pluck on your heartstrings would you strum on mine?"

The bold is what I'm getting tattooed :) But seriously, so much motivation! 

What's your go-to cheer you up music? 

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Living With Anxiety

I've been wanting to write this post for awhile but I haven't had much anxiety lately, so I haven't felt like I could truly write this post. This week, things changed and I remembered how much I detest having an anxiety disorder. This post is about to get a little bit heavy and a whole lot of real. Are you ready?

I don't remember ever being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, but I know that I've always had it. As a child it was tough and I did weird things like only eat mashed potatoes for an entire school year. Literally THE only thing I would eat. I also had a tendency to slurp instead of swallow my spit when I'm talking. It's an OCD tick. Some crazy family things happened when I was 6 and I wasn't allowed to talk about it. That's when I truly remember being anxious.

Anyone remember Picnik? #bestphotoedits

It mostly went away after 1st grade. Things weren't as rough on us, we were close as a family and I don't remember being anxious during that time. In high school, it came back. This time, it was in the form of panic attacks. I had a few friends who devised ways of calming me down - tried and true tricks that I took to my college roommates to help me if I needed it.

After moving back home from Ohio there was a ton of stuff going on. I could write all about it today, but that would make this post light years long. Someday, maybe I will share it with you. Let's just break it down to this: My parents were separated. My dad had 30 days to move out of his house and in the last week he went to rehab. My house had been on fire a few months earlier. My boyfriend at the time was going through a 19 year old crisis and couldn't handle being in a relationship.

On top of all of that I changed my birth control to Yaz. I was already anxious and trying to remain calm and get through things, but Yaz gave me way too much hormones. I started having at minimum 10 panic attacks a day while at work - I worked alone at a yogurt shop while the other employees were in school. 10 panic attacks a day. Could you imagine?

I can't even imagine now and it was just 4 years ago.

I started going to a counselor and I learned some pretty fantastic anxiety management, which I am going to share below. I switched back to my old birth control and then it would happen like before - sometimes I would have a panic attack, but for the most part I could manage it. Plus with my new toolbox of solutions, I was having less panic attacks because I was preventing them.

At this time I also went to an internist to find out why I was unable to gain weight. Besides a verdict of being a freak of nature, they told me that I do have heart palpitations. They could not / still can not decide if it is caused by my panic attacks or causes my panic attacks.

Now, I rarely have panic attacks. The other day, I spent the morning going through all of the stuff that was packed in boxes back in 2009 - when my dad was moving out of our house. I had letters from my dad, from my ex and inspirational messages from my friends. I didn't realize that it was all affecting me until Iman went to leave for work and I just felt weird. Then I couldn't stop feeling like crying, and now I'm writing this. I'm starting to feel better. I hope this makes sense and wasn't too jumbled...

My Tried and True Ways To Prevent a Full-Blown Panic Attack

1. Confront your Feelings. 
This is really difficult for me. I don't like to feel angry, I think it's a waste of time. If I don't feel my anger though, I end up having a panic attack for no reason much, much later.

2. Try the tapping method
EFT (Emotional Freedom Tapping) is AMAZING. My therapist started me doing this and, whenever I feel a panic attack start, I start tapping. I've taught it to a few friends and it helps them too. Find out more here. 

3. Color
Coloring is cathartic. Not only is it creative for children to do it, but it is a way to focus your mind on your task in front of you. You can scribble hard and get out the frustration you feel, or you can let the smooth strokes calm you. 

4. Eat food regularly
This might not be a problem for everyone, but I'm borderline hypoglycemic so when I don't eat and my blood sugar is low, my heart starts to pound, triggering a panic attack.

5. Watch my favorite movie
I cannot tell you how many times I watched Love Actually or A Lot Like Love in the dorms freshman year. Almost every single night. 

6. Focus my attention
For me, I have two different types of panic attacks - ones that concern my heart pounding and shortness of breath and almost passing out; and ones that concern my absolute inability to move. These are usually caused by being scared of something and paralyzed in fear. Nevermind if it is something silly like people walking into the room that I don't know. I will literally freeze and almost cry. My best friends have learned that if they grab my face and talk to me and get me to focus on them, I will begin to "thaw." 


My panic attacks and anxiety disorder is most likely different from others. We are all unique in our disorders. Obsessive Compuslive Disorder runs in my family. It is what keeps my brain turning and the panic starting. Many people don't realize that OCD is an anxiety disorder. I am diagnosed with a general anxiety disorder, however. I have OCD tendencies and it is a lack of control that will lead to my panic attacks.

Many people have an anxiety disorder and many more have one that is unnoticed. Mental Health Awareness is important to me because it doesn't just affect people who are mentally disabled, but it affects those like me - who's brains just work a little bit differently. I encourage you not to be scared of us or write us off as trying to get attention.

Have a wonderful day!


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I'm trying to keep calm and carry on

I had a different blog planned out today, but I decided that this was more necessary in my life. You see, I wrote about how I had a fantastic weekend planned and my ideal weekend.

Well then I really did have a fantastic weekend. I let go and was carefree and it was exactly what I needed to remember. I've had some great weekends lately but I haven't had ones where I stopped stressing. Seriously, I'm like a stressed out hot mess 24/7 and I'm tired of it.

In part, it's because of my anxiety disorder and the extreme difficulty I have in letting go of control. I've mentioned it time and time again how I worry about money (for the wedding) and work constantly and feel stuck. Well I let that feeling rule everything, basically. I let it get in the way of hanging out with friends (because I will go out, but I won't be completely present because I'm worrying about the money I'm spending, or what else I could be spending my time doing). I let it get in the way with Iman. I let it get in the way with everything.

Luckily, unlike most of the time I realize this, I did not have a breakdown. Merely, having that fun was enough for me. Yes, it involved alcohol. I typically don't like to use alcohol to change my emotions (to "escape" when I'm upset or to have more fun when I'm stressed). I come from a family of alcoholics. I learned by watching that that is not the way to deal with things. But, this time I decided to have something to drink. Not to have fun, but as a byproduct of that fun.

Let's face it, sometimes I have more fun when I'm tipsy.

But really my weekend was filled with seeing some old friends and playing games. On Friday, we went to Dave and Busters and on Saturday we ended up playing darts at the bar we went to. Plus we had a fantastic hotel room at a really great rate and then yesterday was foooootballl.

Bonus: I got to have dinner with this girl and her fam, she's rocking her WQ bracelet.

Has anyone else needed to just let go? 

I'm going to try to pull this feeling into the whole month of September! I was going to do some yoga this morning (destresses most people...but has always made me uncomfortable. But maybe if I do it alone it will be better). I slept instead, so I'm planning on doing yoga while watching the Eagles kick ass tonight.

#FlyEaglesFly

Get Help :)

This is something that is obviously something very close to my heart since I struggle with anxiety caused by my OCD and the need to always be in control. If you feel like you have anxiety or depression or any other mental health issue go to the doctors. Even if you are having temporary anxiety due to stress, therapists and doctors are THE biggest help when you find the right one. Here's an article for that:

http://www.girlshealth.gov/feelings/therapy/index.cfm

Have a great day <3

Anxious, much?

Today I had a little adventure with one of my best friends. We set out to Ikea for no particular reason other than to pretend like the rooms are in our own [future] apartments and would anyone like to join us for tea in the study? haha.

After we had exhausted Ikea (and it's delicious, cheap, and weird Swedish food), we decided to go to Barnes and Nobles for a good book search. The result? Us reading books in B&N for a good 3 hours. I even finished reading my book! Which is what i wanted to talk about, this book.

"I Don't Want To Be Crazy" by Samantha Schutz
The basis of this memoir is her struggle with the realization of and living with her anxiety disorder (she had panic disorder, which is one of my anxiety disorders). This book really made me feel less like a crazy person because of my feelings of my freshman and sophomore years of college (She discovered her disorder in college.) Here are a few excerpts!

I just need to put a little space
between me and the panic.
I need a little bit of calm
so I can get a grip
and hold on to something,
to pull myself up
and out. (pg 164)

I have no idea how many times I have thought that to myself, but it is well into the thousands ^^

I have only a general sense of the pain
of not being able to control my body
and my thoughts.
All i ever wanted
was to have control --
to be in charge of myself
and the rest of the world. (pg 203)

I suggest everyone read this book because
a) it has VERY awesome formatting
b) it's a quick read
c) it will help you understand anxiety disorders! (and some of what goes on in my head, in case you ever wondered.

I don't think that anyone should ever be ashamed of an anxiety disorder because it is based off of your chemical, biological, and psychological make-up. It would be really helpful if people understood this...I'm trying to research it as best I can to understand myself a little better, but please, put up with my "crazy."