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Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts

Thursday, November 21, 2013

TBT: Treasure Chest

This is one of my all time favorite blog posts. I originally wrote it in May 2011, when I was struggling with a lot of friendships and relationships. I'm happy to say that my friend who came up with this analogy is still a friend of mine today. She is the girl who promised she would never leave...which may not sound like much to some people, but to me, it means the world!



My friend's sister came up with this analogy when she was in high school and I think it's very warrior queen so I wanted to share it. It's my new philosophy that I've adopted. It encompasses all aspects of life in dealing with people and (sometimes) their toxicity.

Inside each and every one of us, there is a treasure chest of gems - rubies, diamonds, gold colins, emeralds, etc. And before we form a relationship with anybody, we must evaluate if their treasure will be as valuable as the treasure we are giving them. This is true in any relationship, whether it be friendship (what originally sparked this conversation), a relationship (which is what started the philosophy) or any sort of partnership.
Basically, is this person going to be as good to you and for you as you are to them? Too many times we form bonds and relationships with people who are just not a great match. We like to try to fix them, but no one can fix another person, they must fix themselves. You can offer ideas and advice and support them, but why support something that is toxic and will only drain you? This becomes a parasitic relationship and you will resent that person.
Now the part that I was struggling with is that I have been feeling deceived. When these relationships of mine began they were anything but toxic. Our treasure was of equal value. But as time wore on, my treasure held its value (as it always does because I'm more focused on relationships than anything else) but theirs did not.

People change, circumstances change, events transpire...but it does not mean that the treasure I was originally given is cubic zirconia compared to my diamonds. It just means that that relationship has expired. It can be renewed in the future, perhaps if the value hasn't deteriorated completely.


It's like this:

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Thursday, June 27, 2013

Throwback Thursday: Cultivating Your Friendship Garden

Today, I thought I'd throw in a little #ThrowbackThursday action on my blog posts! [I got this idea from Miss Mama Me]

I was looking through my old posts to find one to share and, while this one has always been my favorite, the meaning behind it is definitely standing out at me today. Thanks, Tut for prompting me to post it!

Cultivating Your Friendship Garden


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Thursday, November 12, 2009

Wednesday Epiphanies on Thursday Mornings

Today was Wednesday. Wednesdays are Sasha and Raewyn days. They're probably one of my favorite days of the week because we talk for an hour or two on very intellectual matters // or boys and life and she teaches me her wisdom and such. I'm like her little protege.

Today we got talking about how both of us are trying to be more outwardly "bitchy." Aka we both are really good at being strong in horrible situations but when people hurt us and then apologize we're get over it and tell them it's okay and to come back. But we need to be kinda bristly i think - or else those people will keep taking advantage of us.

I don't like to let people take advantage of me - and, I generally don't put up with it unless it's someone I really love or if I just decide it's not worth my time. Which I decide a lot of things aren't worth my time caring over. But I care too much about everything so there's your oxymoron for the day.

Anyway, I thought it be best that I compile a list of things that I'm no longer going to put up with in any form of relationship that I am forming with another human being. If we have a messed up relationship right now, all I want is to start over with my new criteria (which looks a lot like how I was at 17...)

1. If you want to talk about something important, CALL ME.
2. I'm going to say no to hanging out sometimes - I'm finding time for ME.
3. If I think there's a problem - I'm going to address it.
4. I'm going to have to know a helluvalot about you before I'm letting my guard down.
5. Don't guilt me into things.
6. I am no longer going to be an enabler.
7. Acceptable forms of communication: phone, person, letters.
8. If you don't want to be in my life - go. I'm not chasing people down anymore.
9. I'm not going to feel guilty for saying no.


I encourage others to do the same - it's very empowering! =]

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Optimistically What is Meant to Be Will Be

There's no denying it...I'm ever the optimist. I always freak out or worry about things going horribly wrong, but truth is...I know things are going to work out so that I'm happy. I know that things between two people will work out, in some way.

I don't believe in destiny, but I do believe that two people can be meant for each other and what is meant to be will be. I fight with people over how it's not destiny, but to me destiny feels like it's pre-ordained and already worked out and there is NOTHING I can do to change the outcome.

But I do believe that I can change the outcome of my life. I believe that the way I act and react and the choices I make are just that CHOICES. But I also believe that when I choose something the story changes ahead of me so that my path will still lead toward what is meant to be, but that it changes. Kind of like in the CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE! books.

Thus, I am optimistic about what will happen. I believe if you follow your heart, you will get what is right for you, what is best, what makes you happiest.

I'm team follow your heart.

My heart will always lead me back to its home. We know where that is. =]

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Hate is Easy, Love Takes Courage

So, I haven't really been talking about relationships recently because, to me, being a warrior queen isn't just about relationships. It's within every aspect of your life. But there are certain moments when being a warrior queen does revolve around relationships, and on occasion I have an epiphany. Which I like to share, so here it goes. =]

Relationships are about timing. Love is forever. Love can withstand anything because that is an emotion not something that is truly affected by other people. Regardless of how badly someone hurts you, you probably will still love them in some way, care for them in some way. Relationships, however, rely entirely upon two people and their emotions.

At some point in life, with every person and every relationship, the timing is going to be off. People are going to get annoyed with other people. Other outside influences are going to affect the relationship. But that does not mean that that relationship is irreparably damaged. It just means that it might not be the right times in each person's life to be together.

It's true in romantic, familial and friend relationships. I hate burning bridges, but sometimes, you have to take a break from talking to someone, or from being as close to them for your own well-being. It's not selfish because the first thing you need to take care of is yourself. If that person is a true friend - a true relationship - they're going to understand and they're going to be there waiting for you. Or you can start it again.

This has happened to me too many times to count. ebb and flow. It's happened with some of my best friends and it's happened in relationships. Which is why, when someone tells me to be forever done with another person, I just can't listen. Do not judge me because of this, but understand that my heart and way of life is a lot more understanding and open than others are. True, it does allow for a lot more hurt, but there is also a lot of love.

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Honeymoon Period

Ohh, the Honeymoon period. I think that it is, without a doubt, one of my favorite parts of a relationship. In that moment, anything seems possible because of course this relationship is going to last forever, this person in front of you is the person who is going to save you, he's the one that deserves you - who you've saved your heart for all of these years! He's going to erase all of the pain that anyone has ever caused you!

But the reality is, no one but you is capable for the last part. And honestly, nothing in your life is going to be completely flawless - especially relationships.

My friend called me crying today because of a slight disagreement with her boyfriend. I think she's starting to realize the honeymoon period - everything is changing and things are gonna normalize. But doing normal everyday things isn't horrible. Essentially isn't that what we all want in the end: to be married doing everyday things with our person?

The test of a true relationship is if you can overcome the honeymoon period and then all of the fights and misunderstandings that follow the end of the honeymoon. There's always going to be something to nitpick about, but also, something to look forward to.

I'm beginning to realize the honeymoon period works for everything, not just relationships. A new job - I always love it at first (the true test is if I ALWAYS love it); starting school (classes always seem sooo much fun at first); a new hair style, etc etc.

So, at what point is the honeymoon period over? And how is the smoothest way to transition into contentedness?


P.S. I just got my tragus pierced, at what point does this honeymoon period end? Because I still LOVE my nose piercing...

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Technology + Relationships

The issue of technology was brought up in the recent movie "He's Just Not That Into You" by Drew Barrymore's character who was conversing with guys through numerous forms of technology.

"Mary: I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies.
Mary: It's exhausting.

When I first saw the movie, I just laughed about it, thinking "wow someone needs to work on her communication skills!" But, I must admit I've fallen victim to the numerous forms of technology, just not in the same way. Supposedly, girls used to sit by the phone waiting for their boys to call and ask them out on that special date. Now we have cell phones. Not only is my phone always on me, but I am constantly on it. My friends like to call me a "text monster." They try to take my phone away from me and I usually end up upset. I have friends allll over the United States and California, what if they need me?!

Usually though, it's "what if he texts me?!"And if he's not texting me back, my anxiety kicks in! I have no idea why this is so because, really...who wants to talk to someone constantly throughout the day?! We're gonna run out of things to talk about and talking should be considered more special. But we started out texting constantly, and thus I'm used to it. I really should just keep my phone off all the time. I have friends who never answer their text messages. It drives me crazy!! But secretly underneath it all, I admire them for that. Why don't I have that self control? Why am I always attached to my cell phone?

Technology though, can seriously ruin a relationship, particularly texting. How are you supposed to know the person's tone through a text message? Sure, sometimes the emoticons can really help but a lot of the time, if someone says something stern to me, whether it's sarcasm or not, I always think they're yelling at me and then a fight blows up! Or if they're too busy to text or their phone died...and I'm thinking "I must have done something wrong because they aren't answering!" It happens to every girl, don't deny it. Then you sit there sending multiple texts that just annoy the guy...don't do it ladies!!

Of course, with me, this obsession probably started way before I had texting. Only back then I was connected to my computer (which I still am. They used to make fun of me in the dorms freshman year). I would get off of school and go home and go online. That's where I could talk to my friends while I was doing my homework. When I got in trouble, the internet would be taken away from me. They would have to DISCONNECT it so I wouldn't sneak onto MSN messenger to talk.

I think with me, the problem is...communication is my biggest thing. I want to know everything all the time and if I don't, it drives me crazy. I think it's just the journalist in me. I want to constantly be connected. I'm getting slightly better at it though. Sometimes, I'll just turn my phone off for the heck of it - of course, those are the times that people "need me" the most because as soon as I turn my phone back on I have a million voicemails and text messages. It's really a neverending circle.

And I say that I don't want to text message anymore. Let's call and talk on the phone or better yet, let's hang out in person. But the second I get bored...I start texting people. So I think my reliance on technology will be another thing I should work on...oh and, snail mail = my favorite form of communication HANDS DOWN. [[i'm really an old fashioned girl at heart]]

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Whatever happened to romance?

I may be channeling Carrie Bradshaw, but lately the girls and I have come to the conclusion that romance is dead. I could be watching too many old Hollywood movies, but where are the Carey Grants and the James Deans of today?

What I really want to know is if guys think that the lines they drop actually work on us. Because when I hear a line, or when a guy bluntly says something to me...it just doesn't turn me on. "I want you" can work, depending on the tone and situation. "I think you want some hot Italian sausage in you right now" not so much. AT ALL.

Don't get me wrong, us girls aren't searching for guys to recite Shakespeare to us and to dote. But a little romance every once in awhile can go a loong way. Spontaneity is nice every once in awhile - but guys like to get stuck in their little comfort ruts, which can be fine. But an occasional surprise is absolutely fantastic. Noticing the specifics are fantastic - when we change our hair style, the color of our eyes - those types of things really get a girl to go "awww." (aww is one of our favorite things to say btw)

Romance shouldn't be dead - and it really isn't hard to please most girls if you pay close attention. However, girls aren't entirely blameless either. We have our fair share of non-romantic moments that really can turn a guy off (like the mere mention of a menstrual cycle!!) But it's life, you want to get comfortable with a person. The occasional romance - surprise - opening the door for us, giving us a massage, even asking how our days were - that's all we really want. We want to feel like we're special.

I didn't mean for this blog to bash on guys - I've had my fair share of romance from boys - especially opening the door for me and it just makes me feel so fantastic. But every once in awhile, a girl just wonders..."where did it all go?"

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Breaking Up

Breakups suck. Plain and simple; those two words sum it up. It's not something that can happen and then you're done with it - it's not something that has the same results every time - different emotions are going to flare up and there's no set way to deal with a breakup. It's pretty ridiculous.

The one thing that I would say helps the most? Knowing that I'm not alone in the world - unfortunately people are breaking up everyday...and also, people are falling in love everyday (even if it's the second or third or twentieth time). I don't believe we exist to be alone in this world - an unhappy existence just does not make sense to me.

Breakups are a two way street - whether you're the dumper or the dumped, there are still emotions involved. The thing I like to try to remember though is - "It's called a Break Up because it's broken." (the book is by the same author of he's just not that into you - Greg Behrendt) That book was my bible last year when my high school bf broke up with me. Obviously things aren't working out for one or both of you - so it really is best for things to be over. It's tough though to pick the right time - you don't want to drag it out, but you want to be sure. It's tough business.

When i'm the dumped...which it seems I have been lately, i like to stick to my 6 step plan on feeling better about myself (being dumped is one of the worst self-confidence killers).

1. Cry. When it happens, just let it go and cryyyyy. Let it all out for as long as it takes in that one day / night
2. Pamper yourself. Seriously, after a good cry, pampering is the first thing I want to do. I go and get mani/pedis, facials, massages, retail therapy...etc!!
3. Go to your favorite place. But be careful it's not yours and your ex's favorite place...that will just stir up old memories. Me? I like to hit up the beach!!
4. Go out with friends!! In my experience, distractions = the biggest help in not moping in a relationship. Your friends are there for you when times get rough - and distractions are one of their greatest things!!
5. Don't despair. There seriously will be someone out there for you - at least to take your mind off of what's going on with that ex (even if you know you guys are meant to be, that your ex is the only one for you...don't shut yourself off...give it a try.)
6. Go with the flow. Don't fight these things - if the person says things are changing, things are changing for them. Like I said, if things are meant to be - they will be. I'm a firm believer in that one. =]

One last thing, "Awesome thought: Alone also means available for someone outstanding." - Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt, co author of "It's called a BREAKUP because it's BROKEN"

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