Monday, May 31, 2010

The Rules of Heartbreak

diddly do! I love guest blogs =] This one is from one of my amazing closest friends, and frankly, I couldn't have put it better myself. She's been a Warrior Queen through and through since our high school days. (She's an amazing writer too) And without furter Adieu, i give you my guest blog!

By Nura A.

Kate Hudson just about sums it up in How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days:

“I love you, but I don’t have to like you right now.”

In fact, you hate him right now. You hate the way you love him unconditionally, the way you let him hurt you, the tiny little things he does that makes you love him more- even when you can’t stand to look at his face. Oh, and that too- you hate his face. You know, the one you’ve kissed all over and look at absentmindedly so full of love and adoration. That one.

You also hate the way you can’t get any sleep; can’t eat (ok, maybe we all kind of like this one…); have a constant headache, stomach ache, heart ache; the way you spent the entire sleepless night bawling like a child; the way the lack of sleep and crying have made your eyes both puffy and dark; the way you can’t breathe; the way you can’t get the hurt out of your head.

And of course, you hate the way you look like complete shit. You can’t be bothered to do your hair, or make-up, or anything to reduce that stupid puffiness. Or even pick a coordinating outfit.

So here we go, ladies. Rules for heartbreak. Whether you’ve broken up, or should be breaking up with him for the way he’s treated you (if he’s treating you bad enough that you’re heart breaks- RUN! You are worth more than that, but we’ll get to that later), here’s the set of rules that any Warrior Queen should follow. If only just to stay sane.


It’s hard to care unless you have the thought in the back of your mind of getting him back. Take that thought- and stomp on it. Just grind it into the ground. You should never accentuate your beauty for the sake of a man, always for yourself. Hell, even with those puffy eyes and messy hair, you’re still gorgeous. But because you don’t feel like it, take extra care to be your beautiful self. He can’t make you look like shit. It’s not his right. Besides, there’s nothing worse than finally being distracted from thinking about it and having someone ask you what’s wrong because you’re not looking, well, up to par.


All those moments when you want to text, call, or email him and shout at him for hurting you, or beg him to take you back, or whatever thought it was that possessed you to want to communicate with him- CALL A FRIEND. Pick a friend, the second that you are hurt, that you are going to call. They don’t even need to pick up. Let them know what’s going on, and most likely they’ll be happy to be there for you (otherwise you need some new friends). Just leave a voicemail saying “Hey, I wanted to call him again…” And then tell them why. Tell them what you wanted to shout or cry to him about. That boy, the immature one that hurt you so bad, needs to feel what it’s like to not have you around or here your voice. We’re not saying give them the silent treatment, just refrain, warrior queen style, from giving them you.

It’s hard, and that’s why we have the buddy system.


If he hurt you that bad, no matter how much you love him, he has to prove his undying love to you. Like in a silly chick flick (which convolutes our way of thinking about relationships and love), it’s “big gesture” time. He has to do that crazy thing to prove to you that staying in a relationship with him is worth it. This isn’t movie talk here- and I’m not saying that you expect something extraordinary and cinematically epic. I’m saying you expect no less than what anyone who has been wronged should expect- an apology. “I’m sorry” just doesn’t cut it though- we both know that. So what does? It depends on the circumstance. It could be anything from a home cooked dinner by candlelight to a groveling apology with flowers, chocolates, the works. A singing telegram even. Most of the time, if you’re hurt that bad, you can’t even think of anything that will make up for it. Let him be he creative one. But stay strong. If his attempt is weak, like a random bouquet of flowers and the expectation that you forgive him instantly, then don’t even give him the time of day. Ladies, it’s called big gesture for a reason. It has to be big, and it has to come with the understanding on his part, that he fucked up royally and can lose you if he doesn’t make it right.


I know, when he finally calls you, you can’t wait to pick up the phone. By that time, after your silence, you are dying for his voice. This is the man that has been your source of comfort- so when you’re hurting, even when you have your girlfriends, its so easy to feel alone. But don’t. Don’t pick up that phone. He needs to realize that you have a life outside of him (even if you don’t, the thought of that will kill him), and that maybe you don’t even care to pick up your phone. Let ring through to voicemail. If you can’t handle watching him call you and not pick up, then decline the call. Nothing says “I can’t stand you” more than a declined call. But since we’re making him work for it, it needs to be more than just one call. Depending on the situation, you gauge how many days you need to wait before he can talk to you. He’ll call. And call. And he needs to. He might just text too. Don’t respond.


Be prepared to break it off. If he isn’t ready to compromise or prove to you his love, then you shouldn’t wait around for it. You need to tell him that you can’t be in a relationship with someone who isn’t willing or ready to work at it. Here is the ultimate warrior queen moment: you have to be strong enough to do what is best for you.


Plus, when it’s all said and done, you have your girls to fall back on. We are always here for you, and we will always be. Heartbreak is a part of life, and we have all experienced it (or will). We empathize, but will help you reason. So TALK TO US!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Loving You

I know I've been neglecting you, my dear little blog. Everything has been so hectic lately though. I really underestimated the amount of schoolwork and work work I would have to do with a couple of jobs and a couple of magazine jobs. I'm sick too, which is perhaps why I have time to write. I've been thinking about this blog for awhile now. It's really something that I try to understand, but I don't think I ever could...

For reasons I could not tell you, many people that I encounter in life want to show off their very best side of themselves to me. That's it. I don't get a glimpse into the flaws or anything they think I might judge them on. This is funny, because I do not judge. I am very accepting and understanding, and do quite enjoy flaws. I believe that the beauty of anything lies in it's flaws. They're unique, they're what makes you human.

I have very many things that I view as flaws and I end up throwing them out there at people at very random times. I like to test people, if they can put up my flaws they're worth keeping around.

But back to my original topic, I've had friends that I've been close with for a very long time, yet years later I learn of some big "flaw" that they've been hiding from me. I'll have thought we were close and had shared everything, but that is not always so.

For example, about a year and a half ago I found out one of my friends from high school was going to rehab. I was really perplexed as to why, but I supported him in what he was doing, although I did decide I could not talk to him for other reasons. It wasn't until about 6 months ago that I found out why - he had been doing coke, for the majority of the time I had known him (6 years).

I've had several people in my life who are addicts of something, people who I love and could not ever think of judging. I feel that judging does nothing but create negative energy, energy that no one really needs. So why is it that people hide their flaws from me?

I think to open up in such a way, to show off ones flaws as accepted but something you're striving to overcome, the healthiest way to deal with them. Be the best that you can be - but that doesn't mean to hide the bad parts.

For me, what I view as my biggest flaw would probably be the high-strung, high-stress, controlling anxious nature of mine. Definitely something I battle with everyday. Go with the flow everyone tells me -- alright, I'm trying! This flaw can cause me to snap at people over silly things, have panic attacks over sillier things and to attempt to control situations that are uncontrollable. I am a perfectionist, and my own worst enemy.

But that's okay, because at the end of the day I look at myself and I love myself for it. I might cause myself to have panic attacks and to be a crazy person, but so what? It gets me through it, and I probably wouldn't have gotten this far in life without it.

Now, if the flaws are something like an addiction, that is not your personality, and thus never something for someone to judge. Support and love could get people through that. Without the acceptance of such a flaw though, nothing can be done. That's the first step. That's your step to make, not mine.

Jason Mraz's blog, actually focused on flaws and affirmations yesterday. In a nutshell, he wrote about how easy it is for us to judge ourselves by our flaws. For that to be the only thing we focus on, and maybe that's why we hide it. Why not start every morning with some affirmations - some love for yourself? Because, i guarantee it, at least ONE person out there loves you. Why not make that two by loving yourself?

P.S. I hope my blog made sense. Like I said, I am sick. =]

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Twilight Ridiculousness

I found this courtesy of a friend's posting on facebook. This is so so true. Check it out...
Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 10:03:00 PM EDT
Four years ago, a novel about a sparkly vampire and the girl who loves him took the world by storm.
It has been hailed as an achievement for feminism, a step forward, a new page in the fight. A female writer, a female protagonist, a female director for the eventual movie deal. This is what would make it click for young girls seeking a purpose and a fight.
The book, of course, was the first in the Twilight Saga.
When I tell people that I’m an English Lit major, most of them automatically say, “Ooo, have you read Twilight?”
Because I’m a nineteen-year-old girl, and all nineteen-year-old girls like the same things, 100% of the people who ask are not just shocked, but completely perplexed when I politely respond, “Yes, I read it. And I hated it.”
Usually, when a “WHY?!” is demanded after that exchange, I simply say I prefer wizards to vampires, but the truth is much more complicated. Twilight, and the acclaimed author, 
Stephanie Meyer, are not exactly what they appear to be.

There are some things I don’t like about the Twilight Saga because I love reading (purple prose, dragging plot, clich├ęd dialogue). But I’ve found seven very good reasons why every feminist should not just hate Twilight, but run from it like the Ann Coulter of literature.
Reason 1- Bella is adored by everyone, especially her father, for whom she cooks and cleans for while he cleans his gun and drinks a beer.
Bella is hardly a realistic heroine. She’s not flawed, unless you count clumsiness, and everyone adores her, despite her rather obnoxious perfection.
To many people- and by “people”, I mean “men”- Bella is ideal. She’s polite, kind, quiet, cooks, and cleans. She’s like a beautiful 1950s housewife-robot without all those icky character flaws and unnecessary conversations! 
Let’s look at these stereotypes, too. Bella cooks, she cleans. Her father is a terrible cook who would rather watch sports while cleaning his gum and drinking a beer than help his daughter with a few chores. Early on in the series, Stephanie Meyer makes it pretty damn clear that Bella belongs in the kitchen.
Reason 2- Edward breaks into Bella’s home and watches her sleep before introducing himself even once.
 I’d like to reference Jessica Valenti for the six-millionth time in my life. In her fantastic book, “He’s a Stud, She’s a Slut,” Valenti discusses in one chapter how men are seen as romantic and women are seen as stalkers. I've seen this response to Edward's behavior a number of time. What he does is just soooo romantic!
 Let’s pretend Bella followed Edward home. She waited outside his window until she was sure he was asleep before quietly sneaking in and watching him sleep. And keep in mind- they have yet to exchange any words. How would most people view her actions? Really freaking weird, right?
We should see Edward's behavior the same way. Edward isn’t being romantic, he’s being creepy-really creepy. Glorifying this kind of behavior isn’t just ridiculous, it’s dangerous. We should be keeping girls safe- not teaching them that obsessive behavior is not just acceptable, butdesired.
Reason 3- In book two, Bella falls apart when Edward leaves. She begins recovery when she starts spending time with Jacob.
This one is anti-feminism 101, folks. Bella needs a man in her life. She can’t function without one. It’s exactly that simple.
That will be the first message I teach my daughters. How about you?
Reason 4- Edward frequently dictates whom Bella may be friends with and encourages his family to spy on her and prevent her from disobeying his wishes.
Has anyone else ever read those terribly disheartening stories about girls with abusive boyfriends printed in every teen magazine ever created? They like to include lists of signs of potential abusive boyfriends to make sure we prevent these things.
One of the first things on the list? He tries to control every aspect of your life, including with whom you can be friends and with whom you can hang out.
But Edward just wants to protect her, girls say. He cares about her.
Oh, really? Well, let’s move on to Fact 5 before we finish this discussion.
Reason 5- Edward withholds sex in order to get what he wants. He succeeds. 
All Edward wants is a wife.
All Bella wants is sex.
Contrary to what Edward believes, there’s nothing wrong with that. Bella is not some delicate flower that can be sullied or dirtied.
While it's definitely debatable, I know a good many of us don't see much merit in purity. Women and men should be respected and loved for their actions, but whether or not they've had sex. 
You see, Bella can make her own decisions. From when she has sex, to whom she hangs out with- Bella should have control over her life and her choices.
When she’s with Edward? He has the control. 
Reason 6- While Edward encourages Bella to have hopes and dreams, Bella would much rather cook and clean and care for their family, and whatever else vampire housewives do.  
And here is the real genius in Stephanie Meyer’s plan.
Most of us know Mrs. Meyer is a conservative Mormon who enjoys promoting abstinence in her spare time. Did you know she also promotes the idea that all women really want is to stay home and cook and clean?
In the Twilight Saga, Edward doesn’t push Bella to stay home with him and care for his every whim. He pushes her to do many things, but not that. No, he encourages her to get an education and have a life.
But Bella, Bella, is the one who wants nothing more than to stay home and care for their (eventual) daughter and her adoring husband.
Let me be perfectly clear here. There is nothing wrong with stay-at-home moms. There isnothing wrong with women who want to have families and to be the one to care for them. But there is something wrong when Bella doesn’t want to work outside the home, when Bella’s mother doesn’t work, when Esme doesn’t work, when literally none of the women in Twilightwork outside of the home.
No, there is nothing wrong with wanting to care for your family. There is everything wrong with telling young girls that that is their only option. Meyer has said in interviews that feminism is about choice and that makes Twilight feminist literature. Meyer fails to realize that she has the control over her characters. She could have made Bella desire more in life than love, but she doesn't.

 Reason 7- Edward truly loves Bella.
 Here is what we learn from Twilight.
 Women should want to cook and clean, and stay in the home, forsaking education for family.
 Women must expect men to invade their privacy and, what’s more, they must desire this.
 Women should accept that they are incapable of making even small decisions in their own lives and they must, instead, submit to the will of a man.
 Women must understand they are worthless without a man.
 Women must understand they are nothing without a man.
 Women must understand they will never with anything without a man.
 Women must believe these things are done out of love.
 If Reasons 1-6 don’t strike you as a big deal, Reason 7 should be a red alarm.
Stephanie Meyer claims her book promotes feminism because it all centers on Bella’s choices. When I look at Twilight, I see a list of things I will never teach my children. I see a list of warning signs for unhealthy relationships. I see a detailed description of a severely sexist worldview. 

love love. I think love is wonderful, but Twilight is not love, Twilight is not about healthy, equal relationships. Love is about equality. About partnerships. About trust. 

 When held up to the light, Twilight doesn’t sparkle. Not one bit.

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