Cliche New Years Post to Come

There is a cliche New Years blog to come, of course! BUT, for now I'm going to go be a crazy intern at Live Magazine, have dinner with my Godparents, head up to Moorpark so I can spend time with some of my bestest friends that I haven't seen in monthss!! Also, I'm going to dye my hair and go to the Rosebowl before I'll probably be able to get back on.

SO have a fun and safe holiday!!


P.S. I am SO jealous of anyone going out to glamis <3

A moment in my mind

My grasp on life has always been rather strong and I, myself, have always been very impatient. "Let it be" and "just go with the flow" have never made complete sense to me, although I have often striven to overcome my impatience and controlling nature. As always though, I am a walking contradiction.

Have you ever wanted anything so bad that you would give up everything for it? Pack up all you belong, move out of your home, quit your job, compromise a part of your dream? I might be reaching that point in my life. Really, what is stopping me? Responsibilities, people depending on me, finances. People have given up more for love.

Whenever I think of this, I think of the travel book Britney had me read last year. About the lady who just packed up and left one day and lived off of 20 dollars a month in some foreign countries making friends and learning. But I don't want to go that far away. Where I want to go won't be that easy on my finances. Where I want to go is my future.

I want to fast-forward through these fantastic times I know I'm going to have to the moment where I am on my own again. To the time that I move out, I have my own room, I have my own things. My things are ogranized, my bed is never empty and he is just a few short miles away. I want to be in school feeling like i am accomplishing something and not just taking classes to have health insurance. To be fair, I have a lot of fantastic things going for me right now. Things are looking up, they're always looking up.

Today, in the Good Morning Sunshine! book that I got my mom for Christmas last year, it talked about forgiveness and the man had the same philosophy as me - holding grudges is a waste of time. So the affirmation for the day was to let go of hurtful emotions. I am a very forgiving person. But I hold on to the other negative emotions that come with the anger and hurt - I hold on to the fear, I suppose.

I don't do it on purpose. I would give anything to let that go too, and I'm trying, through staying positive and psyching myself up to it. But apparently, every little hurt likes to lodge itself into my anxiety and rear it's ugly head whenever things are going fantastically. I'm quite the self-sabotager. I love who I am but this part of me I just think is plain dumb.

I over-think everything. LITERALLY. I look for signs, down to the grittiest details. So, I propose trying to not over-think things. I am going to do what I was doing for most of November - ignore unhappy emotions. Not because I don't want to face them. But to train myself to the proper level of dealing with them. And I'm going to let go all of the anxiety and worry and let it be.

Or at least, I'm going to try to. Let's give this a clean slate, like I've been saying from the start.

Love, Family, Holidays

My Christmases are always very crazy. We have such a large "family" that it's tough to see everyone on Christmas or the days surrounding it. A lot of the time we end up exchanging Christmas gifts in February, May, October...you know...MONTHS later. I'm okay with that. I like that. I like how crazy my family is.

Lately, it's been full of changes. Not bad changes, some are VERY good, but most are just...different. I'm always a big advocate of change even though I sometimes drag my feet into it. Not this time though. I like the outcome. It's what makes us, us. What I'm trying to say is, these differences with my Christmases, didn't change the one thing that matters most to me: the love i give and the love I receive.

Even that has been growing...last year I found new people to love and gained another family. Through everything, I know they're going to love me no matter what. They accepted me, as Trevor's girlfriend. But now, just as me. Granted, I'll still get introduced as that to new people, but I'm a fixture in their lives and I love it. I love the way that I go and visit Dani and the kids without him.

I'm very big on family. But it doesn't necessarily mean blood family. Some of my blood relatives I haven't spoken to since I was 6. But someone has always stepped in, and for that I am eternally grateful. I love my Hester family, though we aren't related by blood. They've always accepted us in as one of their own.

What I'm trying to say is, that on Christmas, I hope you spent time with the people you love. OR at least told them how much you love them.

Not only that though, why can't we show this love on a daily basis? I try my hardest to. Don't give me the excuse that we're too busy in our lives. Love encompasses you always. All it takes is a minute to say those eight letters in three words:

I love you.

P.S. Check this out: http://beachnerbum.blogspot.com/

It's a really good blog post about girls and immaturity, in general.

P.P.S. lookit my new ring <3

Merry Christmas

Have a Merry Christmas everyone!! Things have been a little crazy this week, I'll write again soon.
<3
Be safe

Passing Judgment

I suppose it has always been this way because of the shortcomings of humanity and our need to make mistakes and learn from them (although in this situation, I really feel no one learns this lesson). I, myself, am not immune to it, although I would like to be. I would like to be completely self-less, like Ghandi and Mother Theresa, but I am a human being, and I am sure they had their faults and shortcomings. I try to model myself after them; they are such amazing role models, like Audrey Hepburn.

Regardless, I feel that this is a large issue in today's society. I would say it is particularly prominent in Orange County, however the ickiest judgement I have ever received have always been elsewhere. Also, it's always the people that don't know you that pass the harshest judgement. I try so hard not to pass judgement on people, but especially on people I don't know. Obviously, there is going to be a first impression of someone. But so many times people surprise you. I give off the weirdest first impressions, and then people get to know me and they love me (or hate me, if they're jealous. All of the judgement I have ever received is based off of jealousy).

I suppose there are several different forms of judgement. You can judge me before you meet me, you can judge my actions, you can judge the things that come out of my mouth, you can judge my decisions, etc etc. The things I do, I do without worry that people will judge me, usually. If I want to do them -- if I want to make my own mistakes, let me. It's the only way I'll learn. It's the only way anyone will learn.

Besides, no one knows what goes on in my head. Have you tried to listen to me when I talk out my thought process. It comes out all backwards and no one understands it. But to me, it makes sense. That's the important part. It's my life. MINE. Not yours, not anyone else's. So I'm free to make my own mistakes. Feel free to worry about me; I worry about everyone constantly. I'm a worry-wart. BUT I always always always know that whatever decisions people make, it's what they want, or think they want at that time. You need to follow your heart.

And, to the people who don't know me and say things about me, don't think you know me because of what you've heard people say about me. Don't think you know me because you've read what I write online or on paper. Don't think you know me because you've looked through all of my pictures I have ever taken. I am a chameleon. I change, daily. I work forward. You could never really know me without actually trying to get to know me and talking to me in person. Which, it may sound crazy, but I will be ANYONE's friend. There are people that are jealous of me, that I cannot stand because of the way they affect my life; but when it comes down to it, if they were to call me in a moment of crisis -- I wouldn't think of my dislike of them. I would help them. There are exactly 2 people in this world that I would not help. I would probably call the cops on them, and I have not seen them since I was six.

So all of the stuff that you might be saying about me -- because I hear about it; my ears buzz -- only makes you look like a weaker person. Why do you CARE about me so much? You don't know me. Don't compare yourself to me. Find your own virtues. I am sure you have them. Everyone has them. Love yourself. Don't worry yourself with me.

Disney: Taking steps forward?

Disney has always been a favorite controversial topic. Even I have always had mixed feelings about Disney. On the one hand, it is a truly magical place that is always a fantastical experience and on the other hand there are all of the cliche, stereotypical ideas that shake me to the very core.

Let me preface with this: I did not grow up on Disney.

Clarification: I was familiar with Disney things - I knew all of the stories and had a favorite princess, etc. However, I was not indoctrinated with the entire Disney picture. My father was not a fan of Eisner and thus I was not subjected to many Disney-like things. I went to Disneyland a couple of times as a child, always with other people. Once I turned 13 though my god-brother was hired at Disney and I started to go more frequently with my friends. So maybe I have a more objective view to Disney than most because I was not swept away by its magic at a young age. Regardless, I love Disneyland and Disney movies and cartoons, etc etc. In fact, I bought my first pass to Disneyland and go every opportunity I get.

My love is still divided because of the controversies. Of course, many of the movies and shows that are racist and sexist were made during a time when those things were acceptable, or based off of storytales written hundreds of years ago when they were the norm. It doesn't change the fact that it is there and children of our future generations are viewing these and thinking it's okay ((although, like my Barbie article, I'm not so sure children are AS affected by all of this as some people like to make it seem.))

In this regards, and what sparked this whole crazy post (I've got a cold, my mind is delirious!), is the newest Disney commercial I've seen.

It's time for the Holidays so of course we are inundated with commercial after commercial and product placement after product placement and the whole thing just gets overwhelming. But this commercial really stood out to me.

The commercial begins with a little girl saying "OH NO! THERE'S A PRINCE IN DISTRESS. We need to rescue him!" << this is where i hit the rewind on my DVR.

Did I really just hear prince? Yes, yes I had. The girls then go pedaling off on their super cool bikes to rescue the prince in need - a teddy bear prince, but a prince nonetheless.

It made me happy. Granted, it's a teddy bear and you can read so much into it and somehow stay that it's still sexist, etc. BUT someone took the initiative on that commercial and twisted the damsel in distress and made us girls the heroine.

I am seeing that a lot in the girls I babysit nowadays. It might be something fleeting - this strong girls are better than boys mentality. But I certainly hope not.

So I applaud Disney for that commercial, and you can bet millions of dollars my daughter's gonna be a little Damzl, if you know what I mean.

Serenity

Today, I went for a walk. I forgot how much walking and running and fresh(ish) air in my lungs makes me feel. I've always been a highly outdoors-y person minus my distaste for bugs. I grew up camping, running, going on family walks. I think losing sight of that is part of what led to me losing sight of me.

Relaxation is hard for me, not because I don't know how to relax...but because I'm so high strung I never have time to! So, I guess I'm making a New Years resolution early -- I'm going to make more time for relaxation. I'm going to set aside half hour everyday for reading. I will feel so much better, so much more intellectual again. I'm going to take walks.

Walks clear my head of the nasty thoughts and leave the serenity inside. I very rarely feel serene. My anxiety often overcomes it. But, there are certain people who can calm me down in an instant. They are the ones who have the keys to my heart -- the ones that I cannot live without. That is why I fight for them. I would rather fight with you everyday of my life, than live a day without you.

What I'm trying to say is, are there people in your life who make you feel calmer and more at peace? Is there something you can do to calm down your crazy days? I know we all have crazy days. I'm starting to realize that it is easy to find time for that relaxation. Turn off the electronics, and BREATHE.

With that, I leave you. I am going to go breathe the beautiful air outside and see my best friend, one of the people who calms me like no other. Today we will be at peace and we will be serene. I will be resolved in my life. Without stress, especially with this final tonight. I will leave that to worry about later.

Try it! =]

Problem? Solved.

I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I have a black cloud floating above my head. It follows me everywhere and gets me when I'm having the best day ever! haha. But seriously, I'm always getting the short stick in the lottery of things. But I'm also always getting the winning numbers. I mostly attribute that to my positive attitude.

See, I never have any money and there's always some crisis going on in my life. But when disaster strikes, somehow I get immensely calm. In my general state of hysterics and craziness, there lies this switch that changes over to "calm" when something happens. I can sober up in an instant to fix things. Because that's what I do, I fix things.

I very rarely give in to feelings of helplessness. Where there's a will, there is a way. Today, I wanted to share that with you. Maybe give you a little hope in your life. There's a bumper sticker I saw on facebook: "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy people enough to make it worth the effort." This is SO true. I've been annoying some people lately with my positive attitude. But, hey, when you've got a black cloud as big as mine you have to be positive! (Just ask my old roommate Kathy, it was story of our lives.)

Anyway, on with my example of today. Well, it didn't really start today, it started several years ago when I got my truck which is my pride and joy, but also very very old. So, it has a lot of issues. Currently, it's in a coma. In place of my beautiful baby boo of a truck, I am currently driving a ghettovertible. Which, is a 95 and it runs, ghetto-ly. But whenever something happens to my vehicles, it's not something small. It's not like "oh it's high time I changed the oil because it's been 3,000 miles" no, it's always "Oh, I've driven 1,000 miles so why is this ticking?" And the answer is: Oh hey guess what you need a new engine. This time, with my Ghetto car my brakes were being a little funny. It couldn't be something silly like, you have air in your brake tubes or even, HEY! change the brakes. Oh no. I've definitely managed to blow my entire rear brake system.
HELLO expensive repair and annoying inability to travel places.

BUT. I got it fixed. Not, by dishing out the money. I don't have that money. I returned my car v.e.r.y. carefully to my garage and called my grandfather, who then worked out a way to get it fixed (THANK YOU GRANDPA AND COUSIN TIMOTHY). This still left me with the problem to getting around in the meantime. I found a way to get to all of the places I need to go this week. FOR THE WIN.

So, what I'm trying to say in my roundabout way (like usual) is that when life gives you a problem, find the solution. Don't wallow in it. Fix it. Even the silly ideas make the best solutions.

Have a great day!

F.I.N.A.L.S.

Hello Finals and Welcome!

I've missed you quite sorely, as you are my all-time favorite part of school. Every year my anticipation and excitement builds to put me in that perfect state of hysterical calm that I love to live my life in. Only, this year, dear finals...it looks like it's just you and I. No late night study buddies this time around. No crazy jokes with Nicole and Jo or moments when I almost pee my pants. No quotes for the wall or the dresser because someone's stayed up for 40 hours and doesn't know what they're talking about. No baking procrastination parties and sleepovers at Ariana's where we watch Chelsea instead of studying. They're all done. Fin. They did it without me.

So finals, we must embark. I can feel my throat starting to ache - the old familiar feelings are setting in. My eyes are tired, my work's scheduled me the maximum hours and everything (aka my car) is failing me. Oh it shall be perfect. Where's the snow? and the late bus?! Alas, instead we have the car with no brakes and extremely rainy weather for Southern California.

Oh and finals, did I mention that you added an extra 6 weeks to my classes this year? I am so grateful for that! SIX more weeks of information to cram into my study time. I regret that you've only given me two finals, instead of all four. A quiz and a speech? You can do much better than that!!

But finals, my dear, dear finals, I should return to your study session. You seem to be yelling at me to do my Critical Thinking homework. Will you make me some tea so I can get it done?

Thank you, you are so generous.

And now I'm off. Toodless.


P.S. Fuck. I. Never. Learned. Shit.

Compliments

Compliments are the best feeling in the world. You could be having the shittiest day, an average day or anything, but when someone compliments you, everything is better. I've been getting a lot of random compliments lately. Life seems to be filling back together and people keep shocking me.

So, from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU.

I'll try to do the same, make you feel loved when the world is crashing down. I love you. I really, really do.

A little bit of everything, but mostly self-reflection

Nasty words like to find themselves on the internet. Especially in relation to other people and eventually manifest themselves into an enormous problem where all parties involved are not feeling any better than when a small, minute issue arose originally. I generally includ this in my definition of girl cruelty. Boys are not immune to it, but they tend to be more blunt with one another (although, not blunt with girls...something about hurting our feelings?!) So why do we do it?!

It temporarily relieves us of pain but the negative energy is still there. Why not cleanse ourselves of this negativity? Embrace the issue and things will move forward. Life is too short to waste our time on all of this frivolity.

I'll admit it though. I've done it. Mine are generally more cryptic like my infamous away message of Spring 2008 "I fucking know I'm better" [Granted in that situation I know I am a better person] but today I feel like what makes me better - why should I think I am more important than another person? I am he as you are he and you are me and we are all together.

I am a hypocrite. But what person isn't? I strive for altruism but I can be very selfish. Because my life is MINE. It's all so complicated and needs to be balanced. I'm working on it.

Back to posting online, however. Why do it in such a public forum? Again, I have been striving for class and better communication. Lately, when I have an issue with someone I am trying to say it to them without degrading them. Their self-worth is just as important as mine.

Recently, I've been degrading a few people - to validate myself and raise my self-esteem. But it didn't. Holding onto this negativeity is hurting me. I'm not learning from it. I'm not bettering myself though the words I speak are just those. "I'm better." I know I'm not. Maybe I'm more in tune with myself, or maybe I love myself more but I have my flaws too. I need to stop worrying myself with others. This is my life. They make me feel inferior because I have given consent.

If I don't concern myself with it - I know nothing about it, it can't hurt me. Wanting to know everything can hurt me. I do not need to know everything. I'm not omniscient. If I know of it, the thoughts are still there. Not knowing keeps the thoughts away - minus the anxious thoughts I created on matters that do not concern me.

this blog covers so much. As usual the thoughts bounced around self-reflection, perhaps? To the end, I'll just say that I shall keep my negativity to a private forum when it regards another. Or to confront them. No more passive-aggressive approaches.

Never have I ever

Today's blog I thought would be a little silly, because I was asked about this list I made senior year last night. This is my Never List. It's the things I've never done that I aspire to one day do. Most of the things are silly. Some of them are serious. It originally had about 100 things on it - it grows constantly. But today I removed all of the things i HAVE done and kept it with just the things I would like to do. Whenever i complete something I put the date next to it. It's kind of like my bucket list, you could say?

Bucket lists and "things to do before I die" are fun, but I, like always, decided to take a more positive approach and label it the things I have never done. Do you have a list like this? I wanna see it! =]

Never:

1. Had a surprise birthday party

2. Broken a bone

3. Been to an exotic country

4. Been off of the North American continent

5. Written a Full Book

6. Had a lingerie photo shoot

7. Had a professional photo shoot

8. Kept my room and closet clean for a year

9. Been to the Grand Canyon

10. Surfed

11. Been on the Radio

12. Gone Toiletpapering

13. Swam with Dolphins

14. Bought and Worn Dominatrix Boots

15. Learned to play guitar

16. Raced a car

17. Did striptease aerobics

18. Driven up PCH from start to finish

19. Been to a Strip Club

20. Ridden a Skateboard in Heels

21. Known more than 2 languages fluently

22. Played spin the bottle

23. been seduced in a foreign language

24. Gone paintballing
    

25. Been serenaded in public

26. Had a cake fight

27. Gotten married

28. Been to a Michigan game

29. Been a mommy

30. Laid down in the middle of the street

31. Been an aunty

32. Watched Aurora Bourealis

33. Seen a meteor shower with someone else

Barbie!

I found this article I wrote for the El Toro High School student newspaper that I was editor in chief of in 2007. I just founded it on my old myspace blogs and remembered how much I loved it. It was a column and a fun read! Enjoy <3

The year 1959 marked Marilyn Monroe's landmark performance in Some Like It Hot; the ending of The Mickey Mouse Club; the addition of Alaska and Hawaii; and the creation of a worldwide pop culture icon that will live on throughout following decades. Someone that young girls looked up to and, eventually, tried to model their bodies after. A blonde bombshell often thought of as a bimbo but who is anything but…Barbie.

For decades Barbie has been a role model to girl's everywhere but in so many more ways than a way to model their bodies after. Barbie stood for a feminist movement while still remaining beautiful on the outside. She started out showing girls they could be a working woman who did not need a guy to depend on.

But in recent years Mattel seems to have fallen victim to the criticism of her not proportional body and has decided to change her look to mirror that of a pre-pubescent girl. If anything, Barbie is giving the nation more of a reason to become anorexic now.

In her latest body-lift she has had her hips and breasts shaved, her waist enhanced and her face made larger – making her seem more off balance than previously. Her face has begun to resemble those of the new Bratz dolls – with gigantic heads and tiny bodies covered in even tinier clothes.

Critics always said Barbie was the cause of the spread of eating disorders, inappropriate dress and the surge in plastic surgery. Newsflash! Barbie is a doll, not living breathing flesh. Children aren't stupid; they know girls aren't supposed to look like that any more than girls are supposed to look like the Cabbage Patch Kids. Girls aren't looking at their Barbie dolls and getting ideas about plastic surgery or eating disorders, they're looking at the models and actresses that grace the covers of their teen magazines and flaunt their assets on the big screen.

Besides, when Barbie wasn't proportional we were "American the Great" not "America the Obese." It might not have a connection, but still.

Barbie obsession swept across the nation as she went from being just a doll to practically ruling the world with her games, "life size Barbie," Christmas ornaments and collectibles covering everything from race to NASCAR.

Recently, MAC has started a new makeup line based off of Barbie's always outrageous makeup – remember the bright pinks of the 90s?

Barbie has always been a pop culture icon and has gone through many phases of life through the changes Mattel has made in her looks and lifestyle (note: working girl to single mom). This last phase change, however, has set a bad tone for the next few generations. Soon girls might be asking if they can have head implants while the girls with "slightly larger hips" want them shaved.

In short, no one is ever going to be content with Barbie – so suck it up and remember…she's just a doll.

!950s Romance

I'm on this new crusade of sorts lately, preaching the amazingness of 20th century dating techniques over the ways we date today. Nura said to me yesterday, "Well, as I've often said, technology is going to be the downfall of romance."

'Tis true. I don't want the modern romance, I want the 1950s version of romance. I think I'll spell out exactly what I mean and I think we'll find that most people will agree with me.

1) We'll start with the initial gesture, shall we? So you like someone? -- well, just because I'm going for the 1950s romance right now I'm gonna say let's have the boy ask you out, BUT I'm always all for girls making the first move, just be careful with that... -- Let's do something that is cute and means a lot...maybe a note or showing up to visit at work or school...

2) Where do we go from there? Phone calls and hand written letters -- mailed or handed over. -- Remember in junior high before we had text messaging? I would always pass notes with the boy I liked. It was always so much more meaningful. I have a box with all of the letters any one has ever sent me...er a couple of boxes but still. Phone calls, are also very sweet. I'm not sure why, probably because you can hear the emotion in their voice!

3) Proper Dates: It appears that the social norm, in the 21st century or in my generation is to go from really liking each other to being a couple and hanging out with friends. Very rarely have I seen the "dating" stage. I.E. I have been on only a handful of what I would consider a proper date. To define, a proper date, to me, would be a one-on-one preconceived outting with someone that has romantic intentions. It means you're not going to eat because you're hungry, you're not staying inside watching a movie, you're not hanging out just you and your friends. This is a DATE. And it doesn't have to be expensive, I love picnics, beach trips, movies, etc. Right now...I REALLY want to go see all of the Chritsmas lights...any takers? =]

4) FLOWERS: Okay so, I feel very deprived. I've never been given a rose by a guy. I HAVE dried roses, but they were always from my parents. I do have an ex who would always give me my favorite flowers - sunflowers. But the problem became, I would get them whenever we would have a fight. Now I see flowers as an apology thing. I don't want flowers as an apology. I want them romantically - like you want to take me on a date. Or just out of the blue!! But not an apology.

5) This last one's kinda cheesy and it's something that I was always against, but right now I'm feeling like...I'd like it. In the 1950's there was the idea of "going steady." That was when you were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. It was kind of like a promise that I want to be with you and maybe someday marry you. Back then "going steady" was important. Now a days, we become boyfriend and girlfriend with people willy-nilly. All of my boyfriends, save one, I dated because I was bored. So, what I'm saying is I want to go steady. But I don't want him to give me his jacket -- I already have a history of stealing boys jackets -- I want a promise ring. It's the modern day equivalent. But it doesn't have to be expensive, I would LOVE a ring from the 25c machine. Although, I do want it to fit so I can wear it all of the time. =]

These might be "high expectations" and some might call me "high maintenance" but I really don't think these are high demands at all. If you're not willing to do these for me I don't want anything to do with you...plain and simple. I know what I want and I won't settle for less. WQ =]



P.s. I have a lot of half written thoughts and blogs, and that is why my posts aren't always posted, etc. A lot of things end up happening and I end up changing my mind or being unable to write at all. But soon I will tell you about my internship and soon I will post my other posts. =]

Briefly

Last night, I wanted to blog about my amazing first day as an intern but I was so exhausted when I got home from class I passed out!! I invision tomorrow being roughly the same, haha.

I can't even write today because I have a big project due tomorrow. I'll try my best to write soon <3
keep being positive, keep being strong.
We'll pull through and we'll hold out.
whatever is meant to make us happiest, will do so.

Take it one day at a time, like me.

Black Friday: I'm Not Sure What The Hype Is About

Ohh Black Friday.
The busiest shopping day of the year! My old boss used to have a count down until Black Friday. At Mervyn's, they would bring us breakfast and the day would pass rather quickly, but very stressfully. I remember the first Black Friday I worked I almost cried.

I was credit greeter, which means I got to go around asking people if they didn't want to open credit cards. I was 16. I've always been particularly gifted in upsales, so I got that wonderful job. On any normal day, I was happy to be a credit greeter. But interrupting Orange County housewives from their desperate search for THE perfect Christmas gift is daunting. To say the least.

This all leads to the point I'm trying to make -- when did the day after Thanksgiving [[although in many places people camped out making that THANKSGIVING]] a day of materialism. Seriously?

In my opinion, I'm always more excited about the holidays because I get to see my family and friends and eat delicious food. I don't CARE if anyone gets me a present. I like to MAKE presents because they're so much more heartfelt....

So many people are just so concerned with material things and "I want this for Christmas," I have to camp out at this store so that I can get this gift for so and so at the crack of dawn or they won't love me anymore.

NEWS FLASH!! If the person only loves you because of the gifts you buy them...THEY DON'T REALLY LOVE YOU. and if it's your child...it's your own fucking fault for bringing them up that way.

Obviously, materialism pisses me off. But it's just ridiculous. The holidays are about LOVE. Showing each other how you feel...and the best way to do that is usually not through presents...all I'm sayin'.

So PLEASE, PLEASEEEE show your loved ones how much you love them this year, in ways OTHER than just materialism?

Thanks,



P.S. I just want to point out that the "BIG HUGE SALES" on Black Friday are really not that big of a difference from any other sales on any other holidays or days in the month of December. Honest blog, I used to work in retails, I know how it works. You usually find the bigger sales on random other days because they need to make daily sales goals...

Thank youuu

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I hope everyone had a fantastic holiday with family and friends or whomever you got to spend this wonderful day with. I just wanted to briefly write a thank you for the things that have come to my mind throughout the day today!

Thank you...

...to my mommy. For always being so amazing and taking care of me in so many ways. I would be so lost without you. You really are one of my best friends.

...to my daddy. For always believing in me and showing me off as your little rockstar. I love our traditions and inside jokes.

...to my amazing family. Even though I may not have seen you today, I want to thank you for the constant love and support and excitement about the things that happen in my life. I am so glad to have you in it and to have been able to pick many of you as my family, and for you to call me family too.

...to my best friends, friends, acquaintances, and new friends. OH MY GAWD. without your support I would be a complete mess in life. You guys truly help me stay strong and stay a warrior queen. Thank you for constantly being there, someone always picks up the slack when someone else can no longer be there for me, and for that, I want to say thank you.

...to the troops. I've never been one in support of this war, but I have always supported our troops and the amazing things they do for our country. I can't wait for Christopher to come home in January. =] But I'm sad Copter is being deployed to Japan for 2 years =[

...to the people who do random acts of kindness. This might be cheesy but, you really make my day.

Also, I am thankful for the many opportunities that come my way because of my determination and the love and support of those near to me.

You never cease to amaze me!! I hope everyone sleeps tight and is not too tired for their Black Friday festivities...

College Suicide Rates

I stumbled across this article this morning and I find this completely appalling. SOMETHING needs to be done so that college students are NOT getting to the breaking point. Enjoy...

A 'national crisis' of student suicide: Colleges are straining to help young people who are struggling with depression and mental health issues.

Nov. 23—The rate of suicide and depression on college campuses is rising, and last month the trend hit St. Cloud State University.

Hard.

Two students killed themselves, causing the university’s president to send a mass e-mail encouraging students to relax and, if needed, get help. The deaths heightened concerns about the economy’s pressure on anxious students and the colleges that are trying to help them.

“We are not talking about test anxiety here,” President Earl Potter later said. “We are talking about a stew of challenges, on top of which our students have to deal with academic success and often the challenge of finding money to keep themselves in school.”

Potter called mental health problems among college students “a national crisis.”

Suicide is the second leading cause of death among college students. About 1.1 percent of 8,000 Minnesota post-secondary students surveyed by the University of Minnesota’s Boynton Health Service in 2008 had attempted suicide within the past 12 months, up slightly from the year before.

At colleges around the nation, more students are seeking help. The percentage of students who reported a diagnosis of depression rose from 10.3 percent in 2000 to 14.9 percent in spring of 2008 — the most recent comparable data — according to the American College Health Association’s annual National College Health Assessment.

This is the busiest time of year, several counseling centers said, because class work ramps up and finals loom.

Colleges are responding with a mix of counseling and support services. The efforts go beyond suicide prevention, addressing stress and depression. Studies show that good mental health leads to good grades and graduation, so schools say that keeping students healthy is an important part of their mission.

But as a recent Minnesota State Colleges and University report found, counseling costs money, and there’s no clear source of it.

“Institutions like ours were never funded to provide the services we need to provide today,” Potter said.

Stress over succeeding

Even in high school, Nellie Brau was a perfectionist — an athlete, an artist, an A student. Her stress about succeeding grew, and after asking her mom for help, doctors diagnosed depression and anxiety. She wanted to take action, so she started a group for students to discuss their mental illness in an open, confidential environment. Being proactive helped her get healthy.

But then came college, where she “absolutely felt like a number.” The depression returned.

“I didn’t reach out, I didn’t know where to turn,” said Brau, now a junior majoring in global studies and French at the University of Minnesota.

She has noticed that the university has become more vocal about mental health. It launched a task force that recommended creating a website where students could learn about mental health, get screened for common afflictions and find help. As part of Welcome Week for freshmen, it introduces services for students (for those who have insurance and for those who don’t) and offers presentations from a group called Active Minds, which works to erase the stigma of mental illness.

Brau joined her sophomore year. Members of that group discuss how mental health has affected their lives. But Brau sees these issues touching all her friends.

“On the campus setting, on a day-to-day basis, most students are stressed and under pressure,” she said. “One truth I know is that all my friends seem to be stressed out on a very regular basis, and they’re trying to find a way to vent or deal with the pressure they feel they’re under.”

Brau now sees a therapist, exercises and paints to center herself.

Funding is a ‘challenge’

The down economy has put pressure on both sides of the counseling equation. Even before the recession hit, more U of M students were citing stress about the cost of education, said Glenn Hirsch, director of the U’s counseling and consulting services.

“Now we’re seeing situations where their options are very limited,” he said. “If you’re already struggling with depression or anxiety, that makes for a much more serious issue.”

Meanwhile, colleges and universities are struggling to fund beefed-up care.

In a recent report, a task force within the MnSCU system recommended ways schools should step up and coordinate their online and in-person mental health services, but noted that “finding the resources to address these issues [is a] challenge.”

“Perhaps a new mental health services fee might be instituted,” the report said. Spokeswoman Melinda Voss said colleges and universities provide the services out of their general budgets.

Despite cuts in other areas, St. Cloud added a position to its counseling services last summer, said John Eggers, director of counseling and physiological services.

It has also created what it calls a “behavioral intervention team,” which encourages talk between groups that interact with students but might not have communicated with one another in the past. For example, a residence hall employee might notice a student staying in bed for days but not pass along that message to that student’s academic adviser.

Similar teams are springing up across the country, Eggers said, in part because of the 2007 Virginia Tech shootings. Last year, the St. Cloud intervention team fashioned support for 114 students who were referred.

That system might have helped save at least one life this fall. A student and veteran had disappeared from campus and, with help from his parents and the police, St. Cloud State was able to find and assist him.

It was a “potentially tragic” case, Potter said, but it ended well.

Jenna Ross —612-673-7168

HELP FOR U STUDENTS

The University of Minnesota offers its students a free, online screening for depression, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, generalized anxiety, post-traumatic stress and alcohol abuse at:

mentalhealth.umn.edu/screening/index.html.

---

To see more of the Star Tribune, or to subscribe to the newspaper, go to http://www.startribune.com/.

Copyright © 2009, Star Tribune, Minneapolis

Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.

I found this article here.

Dreams

"A goal is a dream with a deadline," - Anonymous

Have you ever been working toward a goal and then became slightly side-tracked for several years because of extenuating circumstances?

I have.

Time for a little background:

When I was in high school, my best friends were a year above me and I never had class with any of them. However they were all in yearbook. Sophomore year I decided to attempt to join the yearbook class to be with them. The class was full but the teacher liked me and stuck me into journalism instead. As per my usual enthusiasm, I went at it with all I had and by the first month i was a writer, photographer, editor AND I did layout. I slowly began to learn everything there was to do to run a newspaper. The editor in chief called me her protege. I was to be assistant editor in chief my junior year and editor in chief my senior year. As it worked out, I WAS second in command my junior year - desktop editor, aka I was in charge of the entire layout of the newspaper - however, most of the time I was doing the editor in chief's job alongside her. Doubtlessly, I was editor in chief my senior year. Somewhere in that span of time, I fell in love with journalism and it became my life passion. I spent about 30 hours a week for 9 months of the year for 3 years working on this newspaper. It was my life, my baby.

So obviously, when I moved away to Ohio to pursue that dream at Ohio State University....but didn't work on anything journalism related until this past fall...I began feeling a little off track.

It started freshman year, but I thought I was getting it back when I was accepted into the journalism program. Something was still missing though. Then I took my news editing class and i felt AMAZING because I was writing again. But the quarter ended and something was still missing.

I've gone through a lot of changes since my senior year of high school; for both the better and worse. I lost sight of who I was for awhile and I've been trying to build it back. I've felt almost completely like the person I want to be again but there was still ONE thing missing.

I think I've found it. I think that when I got that internship today -- WHICH BY THE WAY I'M NOW AN INTERN!! -- I found what was missing in my life.

So many things emotionally have gone wrong in the last 3 weeks, but I am HAPPY and EXCITED for my future because I found that missing puzzle piece and again, I'm on my way toward my goal.

If you're feeling a little side tracked - just get out there and try one more time. =]
You might get exactly what you were looking for.

Careful

Now would be a fantastic time to write a blog, however I am hand writing this one and editing it VERY severely to ensure that I do not say anything I will regret nor anything that will hurt someone that I love, although I do intentionally want to hurt them in the ways that they've hurt me. But I am a stronger, better person, clearly. Thus, I will ponder this and write it by hand first.

Also, MANY exciting things to come =]
Today my boss told me they are considering me for a trainee position. = more money
Tomorrow I have an interview for an internship at Live Magazine.
Next week I have an interview to be a teacher's aide.

Exciting things are happening - I'm going to go focus on those.

I'm leaving for OHIO tomorrow so my posts may be sporadic. I'm feeling very weird and serene right now, which is very not me. But I am SO excited for Ohio. I'm going to watch the M!CH!G@N game with my old roommates from OSU... =] So you might not hear from me till Sunday - but I will probably post tomorrow <3

Rumor has it!!

Rumors are so snarky. When I hear them I just want to wrinkle my nose in disgust and laugh my head off that people actually believe that crap. Why would people even spread that crap? Boredom. Jealousy. Stupidity. Meanness.

All things that warrior queens most certainly are NOT. And it definitely is not warrior queen behavior to start or pass on a rumor. Don't do it. It will only hurt other people. Not everyone is so crazy as me that they just laugh at them.

For example, in high school there were a lot of rumors that I was a crackwhore. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a crazy person. Very True. Granted, I am also very skinny. However, anyone who knows me also knew that a) I didn't do any drugs and barely drank and b) that I had never done anything more than make out until I was 18. WOO! It turns out my friend Ben had said it to someone as a joke, and they believed him and started spreading it around. It was to the point where random people would come up to me and say "oh you're the crackwhore right?" and I'd laugh in their faces.

Well, yesterday a cross-country rumor reached my lovely ears all about a guy I had met the night before (Saturday night). Apparently, I sleep with married men. Also, I run around parties yelling "I just wanna fuck!" It's so in my personality to do these things. Because I have no morals whatsoever and love STDs!!

You better have gotten my sarcasm.

The point I'm trying to make here is that rumors are no fun a lot of the time - they cause girls to become depressed, and some have even killed themselves because of the damage done to them indirectly from the rumor. We know how cruel girls can get.

So if you're out there and you hear a rumor, or you see someone looking really down - try to do your part and put yourselves in their shoes. Then go out there and do what you would want some one to do for you. =]

Break-Up Central

Hello, and welcome to the breakup capital of the world - November!

Is it just me, or do couples tend to break up in November? It could just be this year but I have a feeling it's a yearly thing - maybe attached to the big scary HOLIDAY SEASON! oh no! Heaven forbid you should spend Christmas together, buy gifts, visit families...

But seriously, I know of 10 confirmed cases of breakups in the past week! Ridiculous! It's like my facebook feed has been riddled with "__________ is now single." Insert my name into the blank, too. Only, I put my status as It's Complicated. Who's it complicated with? Me, myself, and I. That's right. My love life is pretty much a mess right now and I'm basically ignoring it until it decides to stop waging war on me and play fair. Nothing's fair in love and war and this week's abundance of heartbreak is a sure sign of that!

Luckily, for me, (in a sick, twisted way), I wasn't the only one dumped this week and therefore I have had PLENTY of distractions and very little time to be sad (slash my best friend is home visiting). I'm busy keeping my girls strong and in turn, that keeps me feeling strong! Helping others has some pretty awesome results on the personal level.

However, I would also like to point out that I know of 2 relationships that have been fixed in the last 24 hours and I have hope that most of these breakups are only temporary and everything will work out. If not, I know that we're all going to end up finding someone that makes us happier and everything will be good again. I'm such an optimist! haha.

This week though has only proven that timing really does make or break a relationship.

Also, what really is love?
A chemical reaction?
i don't think we'll ever know why we love someone or what it is...but I do know that it is a wonderful feeling and not something that can be faked.

Wednesday Epiphanies on Thursday Mornings

Today was Wednesday. Wednesdays are Sasha and Raewyn days. They're probably one of my favorite days of the week because we talk for an hour or two on very intellectual matters // or boys and life and she teaches me her wisdom and such. I'm like her little protege.

Today we got talking about how both of us are trying to be more outwardly "bitchy." Aka we both are really good at being strong in horrible situations but when people hurt us and then apologize we're get over it and tell them it's okay and to come back. But we need to be kinda bristly i think - or else those people will keep taking advantage of us.

I don't like to let people take advantage of me - and, I generally don't put up with it unless it's someone I really love or if I just decide it's not worth my time. Which I decide a lot of things aren't worth my time caring over. But I care too much about everything so there's your oxymoron for the day.

Anyway, I thought it be best that I compile a list of things that I'm no longer going to put up with in any form of relationship that I am forming with another human being. If we have a messed up relationship right now, all I want is to start over with my new criteria (which looks a lot like how I was at 17...)

1. If you want to talk about something important, CALL ME.
2. I'm going to say no to hanging out sometimes - I'm finding time for ME.
3. If I think there's a problem - I'm going to address it.
4. I'm going to have to know a helluvalot about you before I'm letting my guard down.
5. Don't guilt me into things.
6. I am no longer going to be an enabler.
7. Acceptable forms of communication: phone, person, letters.
8. If you don't want to be in my life - go. I'm not chasing people down anymore.
9. I'm not going to feel guilty for saying no.


I encourage others to do the same - it's very empowering! =]

Poems

I was going to write a blog on putting up with Bullshit but I had to deal with bullshit tonight so I will save that for tomorrow! Instead I'll let you read another form of writing I revel in - Poetry. =]
That's my poetry website if you wanted to read some of the other works. Have a great night <3

Old Friends <3

Oooh how I love old friends. And the way they can randomly spring up into your life when you least expect it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ragging on new friends. I love making new friends and some of my newest friends are the people I talk to the most and hang out with the most and are absofuckinglutely amazing!!

But old friends, just stir up something inside of me. Especially if it's been forever since I've seen them and for some reason we both need each other at this particular moment in time. For example my friend Cameron, whom I'm pretty sure will read this, is going on an adventure with me on Friday. We haven't hung out in about 2.5 years. We haven't seriously hung out on a regular basis in 4. But we've known each other for 8. So weird. So WEIRD.

This week though, we need each other. Because we each have something the other needs to cheer up -- the ability to make the other person happy and the ability to empathize for current situations.

That's the most amazing thing about friends - that we can make each other happy. It boggles my mind why people choose to hate each other in place of being friends. There's this girl that, I'm not going to lie, I really can't stand. But, I am completely open to being friends with her because I've never met her - maybe she's really awesome? Anyway, I keep having dreams that she and I are friends (though she'll never want to be my friend). But anyway, I guess I'm just of a different nature - I want to be friends with everyone.

In the meantime, though, I am WAY excited with my trifecta of old friends that are hitting me this week -- my best friend from 1st grade, Cameron, and my best friend is coming to visit! YAY

Optimistically What is Meant to Be Will Be

There's no denying it...I'm ever the optimist. I always freak out or worry about things going horribly wrong, but truth is...I know things are going to work out so that I'm happy. I know that things between two people will work out, in some way.

I don't believe in destiny, but I do believe that two people can be meant for each other and what is meant to be will be. I fight with people over how it's not destiny, but to me destiny feels like it's pre-ordained and already worked out and there is NOTHING I can do to change the outcome.

But I do believe that I can change the outcome of my life. I believe that the way I act and react and the choices I make are just that CHOICES. But I also believe that when I choose something the story changes ahead of me so that my path will still lead toward what is meant to be, but that it changes. Kind of like in the CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE! books.

Thus, I am optimistic about what will happen. I believe if you follow your heart, you will get what is right for you, what is best, what makes you happiest.

I'm team follow your heart.

My heart will always lead me back to its home. We know where that is. =]

The Male Species?

Oh, boys.

--This could be the end of my post and every single person interested in boys will know exactly what I'm talking about. But I'll clarify because I like to read the things that I write and I think my (nonexistant aside from the best friends and family) readers of my blog appreciate my insight (although slightly skewed possibly. Also, I like parenthesis today.)--

I believe I mentioned in my last post that this Asian boy came and asked me for relationship advice and basically I'm a love guru or something? Well, all of my girl friends come to me with their boy problems and in general they all revolve around the same thing...that things will work out IF BOYS ONLY GREW UP!

Alright, I hate to say it ladies, but we're 20. (well, I'm 20. you might not be. but...I don't know who "you" are). And based off of the way we were raised // society...it says that it's ok for us to want to be married at 20. Girls used to get married at 12. That age is steadily going up (I know I don't want to be married at 20).

Boys however...are still just that at our age. -- I did post an article about this a few months back -- When the girls were marrying at 12...they weren't marrying 12 year old boys...they were marrying MEN. lol. AKA 30 year olds.

But society today is telling them it's okay to take longer to grow up. Which just drives us girls crazy. I mean, at one point we ARE going to have a ticking biological clock? - not for several years but still!!

What I'm trying to say is...when that boy is freaking out about the long-term relationship or the fact that they just told you they like you a WHOLE lot and maybe even love you and might want to marry you and then they run away from you for several days or weeks...don't take it personally.

I know it's hard not to, my last post is basically case and point me trying to say that being in love is very difficult because of just this...but I'm trying to believe myself when I know it's not something I should take personally.

Tonight, I got the dirt from some men. Aka my uncles / my aunt's boyfriend...and basically, freak outs like this are normal. So. Don't fret. Just go pamper yourself till they decide to realize they're crazy about you again.

I know, I know

I knoow I've been MIA for a week. It was not intentional at all. I kept trying to write but I kept getting distracted. On Monday, I had surgery on my foot ((nothing major)) and I started to write a post about Halloween and skanky girls...but then the vicodin kicked in and I passed out. I was down for the count all day Tuesday and stuck in bed with plenty of free time...and no motivation since then! But here it goes! -- although I'll finish my halloween one up later...

I am convinced LOVE is the biggest challenge I'm ever going to encounter...getting a 4.0 GPA in honors classes is wayyy easier than trying to figure out the heart.

Mostly, this is because every person, every situation, and every relationship is going to vary so drastically. There is no little formula you can plug in. No boy + girl = happiness. It's much more complicated than this. There isn't even a "if you structure your essay in this manner you'll get at least a C" formula. No. It's all hit or miss, timing, personality, situation.

People always ask me for relationship advice. I try my best to understand the situation. I tell them what I would do in the situation. But to follow their heart. Following your heart is usually the best solution. But what do you do when you're heart is going in 20 directions at once?

To be honest, I usually break down and cry at this point. And then I ask everyone I talk to for advice, although they're probably fucking tired of hearing about my problems at this point. But they're kind, they listen. And if that's not enough...it's time for a field trip to Barnes and Nobles' Self-Help section. [[this section can instantly make me calm]].

Sometimes, even that is not enough. Mostly because I'm a victim of doing things over the natural limit. You know, overanalyzing, overthinking, overexciting, over everything. I generally like that about myself. Except when I'm laying in bed all by myself crying because I feel so lost...

Music usually saves my soul. I also know this post is very scattered like my brain and my emotions right now, we can't blame it on the vicodin...i stopped taking that on Tuesday when it made me go all crazy. Also, I know this post isn't going to solve my problems. Nothing is. Because as soon as you solve one problem another one's going to pop up.

I'm okay with that, usually. I like solving problems. But I hate being in limbo. I like to know what's going on and especially hate it when people push me away or block me out...

I think this is all I'm going to write because if I keep going I'm going to sound even more crazy than I did last night when I met the Asian kid who asked me for love advice. I forgot he doesn't know me, or the way I talk so I sounded like a complete crazy. Which I am. But good crazy.

Always try for good crazy...

Your light was just too bright for this earth

I'm not sure if many of you know who Gregory Conklin is but he was the sunshine in my days. It seems when I think back to Sept 2001-February 2006 so much of my memories and days revolved around Gregory. Moving across the street from him made it so much easier to be with him and to see him. I was able to come over and play and I was able to be there to watch Brooklynne if there was a doctors appointment or work for Abra to do.

At the same time, I wish I could have seen him more. I only visited him in the hospital twice. It wasn't because I didn't want to see him there, but I was afraid that I would get him sick. I always have a stuffy nose and often have a sore throat and rather than say it's allergies and risk it, I always opted to stay home. I know he knew that was the reason.

But I remember whenever he would come home, I'd be there standing outside of the van waiting to get the first photograph of his smile and to feel his sunlight again. Gregory fought the tough battles and won more than we ever thought possible. I remember one day he was on his way home from the hospital and I was still at school. I was probably going to miss his arrival by 5 or 10 minutes. I rushed my mom home, and when we got to the neighborhood, I jumped out of the car and ran the rest of the way to make sure I saw him.

Because Gregory's smile could win wars in my eyes. He keeps me fighting day after day, never giving into the problems that plague me and the ones I love. My sunshine is what made me realize I need to chase after my dreams because you never know what could happen tomorrow.

I don't exactly get sad when I think of Gregory. I cry, but they're happy tears - he lived such a strong life and he has been my inspiration for so much, he's no longer in pain - and for that I am happy. We had a celebration the day of his funeral - we celebrated his life - because he truly was one amazing little man.

Abra posted on Gregory's fan page on FB a tribute video that her brother and sister-in-law wrote for him and it is absolutely beautiful. I wanted to share it. Gregory's Song

So much of being a warrior queen is about being strong, living for today, and following your dreams. That's why I wanted to share my sunshine with you. If you want to learn more about Gregory's story and fight, follow this link.

Oh how I love tickets

Before I start on my rant, if you feel like commenting with some variation of "you need to be a better driver to not get tickets" i will punch you the next time i see you. Mostly because it's annoying but partly because i put my car on cruise control the speed limit to ensure no speeding (on the freeways).

Honestly though, I really think I have a big fat TICKET ME sign flashing over my head // my car. Let me just list it out for ya really fast...and keep in mind...this is since my 20th birthday in June...

1. Speeding ticket -- 85 in a 65 ~ $460 to do traffic school
2. Texting ticket ~ $180
3. License Plate ticket -- apparently, i had the wrong plates on my car!? ~ $50
4. Speeding ticket -- 55 in a 40 ~ ?? idk i got it yesterday
5. Parking ticket -- only, it was legal to park there so i'm fighting it ~ $30

REALLY? did this REALLY all happen in the past 4 months?

Whyy yes, yes it did. And I'm really not sure how other than the fact that obviously I was speeding. I thought the speed limit was 45...I thought i was going 45 but it was downhill so maybe my car was accelerating...I was jamming to my music, not watching the spedometer.

It really just gets my panties in a bunch though that I'm just an average person getting all of these tickets. I think it'd be more beneficial to Orange County if I just went and robbed the B of A on Ridge Route and gave them that money! It'd be a hell of a lot more than the 600 - 1,000 it's wrangled out of me this year!!

Honestly though, shouldn't our cops be focusing on other things that are maybe a little more MAJOR than someone going over the speed limit but under reckless endangerment?! Such as, you know, catching the guys who robbed the Ridge Route B of A!! OR maybe catching the cars that go speed racing AROUND me as I'm cruising at 75 on the freeway...

I know that they're only out there catching the mid-level speeders because it's less of a chase and generates more revenue. All I'm saying is, shouldn't they be more worried about the bettermant of society instead of money...isn't that what the police force is for...ughh. fuck beauracracy.

Okay, I'm done. My head might explode.

WQ of the Month

Today i want to identify one of my favorite warrior queens. She is seriously one of the strongest people I know. Life has thrown so much at her but she refuses to let it hold her back. She's grown a lot stronger in the past 18 months. I love my mom.

As a child, and up untila few years ago, i never realized her strength. Everyday she refuses to give up, always doing all she can for my brother and I. Especially when we have the opportunity and drive to do something. She has always supported us, even if / when we tried to walk all over her.

Mostly, she has a strong heart. She gets out of bed everyday in spite of the chaos life throws her way. It's so inspirational. She loves with more than I've ever seen. I get this trait from her.

She says I taught her to be a WQ, but without knowing it, she's been teaching me since day one. And now, we are each others' strength. Without her love and support I would be NOWHERE near the person I am today.

I love you mommy. =]

Listening

My friends are my life. I know that sounds cliche and/or like I'm channeling the narrator of "The Perks of Being a Wallflower;" however it's the truth.

I hate hate hate hate hate seeing my friends upset. Even if I barely know them. It's the reason I want to start my magazine and have this blog - to help others. I hate seeing people upset and I become a close friend to many strangers quickly because I take the time to listen. I know I'm always running my mouth but I love to listen. I really feel hardly anyone listens anymore. By this I don't mean people don't hear the words that are being said. I mean that they don't LISTEN to the the emotion; the body language; the past, present, future; the words that are not being spoken.

It's easy to make someone's day. All it takes is a little effort. Honestly. One text. One how are you? 2, maybe 10 minutes out of your day.

But, really, everyone is just too busy for that. But it's not real busyness - it's all busy work. Believe me, I'm the queen of busy work. I'm always doing something - I HATE being idle. But, I like to check up on my friends.

I mean, how hard is it to think of someone else for 30 seconds and let them know you're thinking of them? I like to text my friends on Mondays. (because I have a belief that Mondays are the worst days of the week) I'll text them something simple, an "i love you" "i'm thinking of you" or "i hope you have a fabulous day!" 9 of the 10 people reply with "thank you, that just made my day."

See how simple it is?

Happy

I'm the type of person who music speaks to. If I can't think of the words to say, odds are someone's written a song that says it for me. I also like to pick out songs that are awesome for Warrior Queens. So this blog isn't so much a blog where I write a bunch of stuff, but more like here's some song lyrics for you =]

Happy by Leona Lewis
Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything
Don't you take chances
Might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain
Cause love won't set you free
I can't stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

Chorus:
So what if it hurts me?
So what if i break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

Verse 2:
Holding on tightly
Just can't let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear, ohh
But all these days, they feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me out of here
I can't stand by your side, ohh no
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

Chorus:
So what if it hurts me?
So what if i break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh

Bridge:
So any turns that i can't see,
like I'm a stranger on this road
But don't say victim
Don't say anything

Chorus:
So what if it hurts me?
So what if i break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me

Outro:
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy
I just wanna be, ohh
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, happy

Freak out much?!

I am a stress case. Plain and simple. It's kind of like a walking time bomb only I have a lot of little explosions instead of one big one.

The important thing, though, is that I try not to be a stress case. This may turn out to be counterproductive because I'm stressing about stressing. I have a lot of pressure. It started externally but, because of my drive and how much I love approval, it's manifested into a lot of presure I put on myself (and sometimes others, I'm sorry). Some say I'm a perfectionist, but really things don't have to be perfect. I just need to be in control of my chaos.

I really am trying to have patience and "dgaf" as everyone likes to tell me. "Calm down!" Show me how and maybe I can, but I've been trying to figure out that one for 20 years...There appears to be a part of me that I haven't yet figured out how to get to. Basically, I will freak out but at the same time I will be watching myself freak out, telling myself that it will all work out. I know it will. I can be rational sometimes (though Mr. Shields will never believe that - I'm a crazy person and thus do not count). In the grand scheme of things the fact that I made it to school safely is a bigger deal than the fact that I was 10 minutes late to my midterm. But for some reason in the midst of my freak out that fact doesn't seem to have any weight to it.

The good thing is that I know I'm not alone. I get my "freak outs" from both sides of the family. I also tend to attract people who have freak outs as well. sometimes we feed off each other but generally we can calm each other down in a manner that no one else really can.

I have this believe that everyone freaks out but in different ways. I have several friends who freak out and have panic attacks all the time like I do. But then therea re the people who don't face it and bottle it up and then explode one day. ((I used to be like this)) Both are bad, I guess.

I just need to find the balance where I care enough and give enough but where I'm calmer and not giving all of myself away. That's what I strive for, everyday.

Skinny Bitch

Today my eyes were opened up to an ad that was recently published in Ralph Lauren featuring a very skinny and very disproportionate model Filippa Hamilton. Obviously this ad is drastically photoshopped because she is 5'10 and weighs 120 pounds.

This photoshop job seems to have brought up MANY issues that girls have to deal with thanks to the bad part of the media - something that I intend to fight for the rest of my life. (in typical me fashion...a list)

1. Photoshopping in the media
2. Ralph Lauren firing her for being "overweight"
3. Too skinny girls!!

1. Now don't get me wrong, I looove to photoshop things. Photo editing is so much fun, but I really don't understand the point of photoshopping models. I really don't see any positive outcome from this - everyone knows that the models are CLEARLY photoshopped and not that tiny in real life. But some people have such distorted self-confidence and views of themselves that they believe that people really can look that way - that a Barbie really does exist. (I linked this to the column i wrote about Barbie in my journalism class)

2. IDK about you, but 120 at 5'10 is definitely generally considered UNDERweight not OVERweight. Wayyy to be good role models Ralph Lauren!! But really, I don't understand why models have to be so skinny anyway? It would make sense if the general population was that skinny but no matter how many ads they print with girls who definitely need to eat a sandwich the vast majority of the population is NOT getting skinnier...

3. Skinny girls - go eat a sandwich. Seriously. If you have an ED talk to someone. There's always going to be someone willing to help, someone who loves you. And if you're like me and just can't gain weight...well...there are ways if you REALLY want to. Just be healthy!! Size shouldn't matter as long as we are HEALTHY.

Alright, enough ramblings for tonight. <3

Girls, Girls, Girls

Have you ever noticed that when there's a problem we, as girls, are quick to blame each other before blaming any one else?

Seriously, us girls have an issue of blaming each other instead of JOINING together. Time and time again I have watched friendships break up because of something this boy did, something someone else said, etc. All I have to say is...are our friendships REALLY that disposable and shallow?! Are we really going to throw away a best friend because she was venting about you to someone else?

Speaking of, WHY do we vent to other people about each other?! Why don't we have the guts to just confront each other and say "hey, look, this has been bugging me and I just wnted to solve it..." But noooo we just have to have misunderstanding after misunderstanding. We're like the queens of miscommunication!

But really we should be banding together against the world! Instead of cutting each other down because of how someone dresses, etc we should be admiring her for having the guts to dress in such a manner!!

I just started at my new job a little over a week ago, and ALREADY there is girl drama. Girls who are telling others what to do, gossiping in the bathrooms, sneering at each other, etc. SO WHAT if she has a baby and is 17 years old?! It's her life, she's a great person...

Girls are so quick to pass judgment on one another. But if we don't support each other who will? Only we can truly understand our crazy mood swings, the way a girl's brain works, hormones, PMS, etc...

Girls are PROS at holding grudges. I hate holding grudges - if people annoy me or make me angry, chances are I'm over it within the next few days. My psychologist likes to tell me TO BE angry. Because I'm generally not. But what really gets my panties in a bunch is seeing girls hang each other out to dry.

So, what do you say? We try to support each other and love each other a little more? That's what i'm trying to do!

Times Change

As everyone knows, I've been strongly pushing toward more and more guest writers and I am ABSOLUTELY delighted whenever anyone wants to write for me. A good friend of mine, Courtney, wrote out a little ramble today and realized that it totally fits the format for a blog and I told her I could throw it up on my blog. It's very interesting and something that I've been trying to figure out how to formulate into words.

We're 20. But many of us know people who are getting married, having kids, and making huge life changing decisions. It's so weird! But anyway, here's Courtney's blog. =]

Did you ever have that original group of girls in junior high or high school that you spent all your time with? Boys were stupid so you had to stick together. Each had their personality. The soccer player; the church girl; the one who has to be the center of attention; the pretty one; the rich one; and the awkward nerdy two that stuck together more than the rest.

Yea, I was one of the awkward two. There wasn't really much of an option for me to escape it. Three years of braces, and hitting puberty -- later I was called the whore--though I'd done nothing to warrant being called "whore" except to have boobs that the others didn't. I can laugh about it now because at the time I'd been convinced I would be awkward, flat, and probably alone forever. But life, and puberty, said otherwise.

After time passed, we all went our separate ways. Some of us lost touch, others just didn't seem to care. There were bigger and better things ahead. Things that most of us didn't ever see coming until they happened. Break ups, fights, and relationships dashed on the rocks. It seemed that the only relationship that remained after all was said and done by the end of high school, was that my best friend and I – the other awkward nerdy one – were the only ones that had survived all the way through. The rich one moved up in the social order of high school (we didn't like that too much). When your friend walks past you with everyone else like you're invisible it hurts. The church girl went away to college far away where we still miss her a lot. The center of attention, well most of us had lost touch with her by the time college started. She's now getting married, which threw me off by how unexpected it was to hear. But I'm really happy she's found her man, he seems really nice.

This is such a strange period of life. From age 19-21, so much changes. Your friends go away or stay close for college. Work schedules clash and impact whether you ever get to see your friends. And after not seeing them for awhile things happen. Things? People get engaged, people make life decisions, people join the military. How do you react? The one getting engaged, upon first hearing that my old friend was getting married--I thought, "wow when we made our predictions she was so close to the bottom of our "who will get married first? list". I am a little jealous....being that I have my own romantic relationship going on. And this isn't like oh hey there we're dating, we've been together twice as long as the couple whose getting hitched this next year.

A little piece of me says it's not the right time and I know this very well but the other side says, "Why aren't I the first one? Why isn't this happening to me? Will it happen to me? How long do I have to wait?" I know I'm young, I'm poor, and have to wait. It'll be worth it when it does happen. No sense in hurrying, I'm only 20. Yet still, it's weird. I know I won't be attending the wedding being that we're no longer close friends, but I'll see the pictures afterward. They'll be smiling, and I can click the "like" button or leave a comment to say congratulations!

I'll just conclude my ramblings with this.

We all were so close before, years before, then life happened. Why are my relationships with other women always so difficult to keep up with? I guess that's why I shifted to being "one of the guys". It was easier, it was less drama. There was no more arguments over who liked who, or jealousy of what the other was wearing, no competition. But in the end, I look back and still see those original girls that I sat at lunch with my freshman year. All of us were so young, I looked like a 12 year old for crying out loud! Now, I'm just curious to see who will be next. Who will be the first one to have a baby? Generally the married ones are at the top of the list for babies, but you never know. Life sure likes to surprise you, doesn't it?

I think she should start one herself...let me know what you think <3

Modern Feminism

Yesterday I was bored and reading MySpace bulletins and came across one that looked pretty promising. The subject was “HAHAHAHA thanks conservapedia.” Instantly, I knew I had to read it. This is what I found:

Specifically, a modern feminist tends to:

* believe that there are no meaningful differences between men and women - 1
* oppose chivalry and even feign insult at harmless displays of it - 2
* view traditional marriage as unacceptably patriarchal
* shirk traditional gender activities, like baking - 3
* support affirmative action for women
* detest women who are happy in traditional roles, such as housewives,and especially dislike those who defend such roles - 4
* prefer that women wear pants rather than dresses, presumably because men do
* seek women in combat in the military just like men, and coed submarines
* refuse to take her husband's last name when marrying
* distort historical focus onto female figures, often overshadowing important events (Eg: Henry VIII's wives take precedence in common knowledge to his actual reign.)
* object to being addressed as "ma'am"
wow, I definitely hate baking because its SOO stereotypically a woman's duty.

Of course my first reaction was WOW. I need to go to this website. Because, yes, I consider myself a feminist. Not a feminazi who hates all males in existence, but I am a very big advocate of women. You know the song “anything you can do I can do better”? That was my motto throughout my childhood. When boys tried to boss me around or called me mean things or hit me with a ball I would march over to them and give them an earful. Of course, if they called me four-eyes...well, let's just say I dealt with that in a much more “girly” fashion – tears and tattling. [[Hey, every girl has her vice!]]

So basically...I want to address the things that I think are a little ludicrous for people to believe...(numbered)

1. There is a distinct difference between men and women...physically alone. But as my anthropology teacher always says, women are VALUABLE because they can bear children. Men are dispensable and that's why they hunt [[haha, of course, that's not the reason men in America hunt]]

2. I like chivalry. It's cute.

3. I think it's a lot of fun to do “traditional gender activities” like baking...but I love to be pampered too =]

4. I think a woman should be whatever she wants to be. If that's a housewife who goes to college to find a husband I might think that's a definite waste of money but, it's your life...why should I care?!

5. I like to wear dresses. They make me feel prettyyyyy!! but I do wear shorts under them...because...I'm a klutz.

6. I think it's kinda cool that women get to choose their own last name at one point in their lives!!

SO I want to know thoughts on feminism. Is a warrior queen a feminist? Or is she just a strong, confident woman?

p.s. Www.conservapedia.com is the website that was found on...interesting to say the least.