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Saturday, May 22, 2010

Loving You

I know I've been neglecting you, my dear little blog. Everything has been so hectic lately though. I really underestimated the amount of schoolwork and work work I would have to do with a couple of jobs and a couple of magazine jobs. I'm sick too, which is perhaps why I have time to write. I've been thinking about this blog for awhile now. It's really something that I try to understand, but I don't think I ever could...

For reasons I could not tell you, many people that I encounter in life want to show off their very best side of themselves to me. That's it. I don't get a glimpse into the flaws or anything they think I might judge them on. This is funny, because I do not judge. I am very accepting and understanding, and do quite enjoy flaws. I believe that the beauty of anything lies in it's flaws. They're unique, they're what makes you human.

I have very many things that I view as flaws and I end up throwing them out there at people at very random times. I like to test people, if they can put up my flaws they're worth keeping around.

But back to my original topic, I've had friends that I've been close with for a very long time, yet years later I learn of some big "flaw" that they've been hiding from me. I'll have thought we were close and had shared everything, but that is not always so.

For example, about a year and a half ago I found out one of my friends from high school was going to rehab. I was really perplexed as to why, but I supported him in what he was doing, although I did decide I could not talk to him for other reasons. It wasn't until about 6 months ago that I found out why - he had been doing coke, for the majority of the time I had known him (6 years).

I've had several people in my life who are addicts of something, people who I love and could not ever think of judging. I feel that judging does nothing but create negative energy, energy that no one really needs. So why is it that people hide their flaws from me?

I think to open up in such a way, to show off ones flaws as accepted but something you're striving to overcome, the healthiest way to deal with them. Be the best that you can be - but that doesn't mean to hide the bad parts.

For me, what I view as my biggest flaw would probably be the high-strung, high-stress, controlling anxious nature of mine. Definitely something I battle with everyday. Go with the flow everyone tells me -- alright, I'm trying! This flaw can cause me to snap at people over silly things, have panic attacks over sillier things and to attempt to control situations that are uncontrollable. I am a perfectionist, and my own worst enemy.

But that's okay, because at the end of the day I look at myself and I love myself for it. I might cause myself to have panic attacks and to be a crazy person, but so what? It gets me through it, and I probably wouldn't have gotten this far in life without it.

Now, if the flaws are something like an addiction, that is not your personality, and thus never something for someone to judge. Support and love could get people through that. Without the acceptance of such a flaw though, nothing can be done. That's the first step. That's your step to make, not mine.

Jason Mraz's blog, actually focused on flaws and affirmations yesterday. In a nutshell, he wrote about how easy it is for us to judge ourselves by our flaws. For that to be the only thing we focus on, and maybe that's why we hide it. Why not start every morning with some affirmations - some love for yourself? Because, i guarantee it, at least ONE person out there loves you. Why not make that two by loving yourself?







P.S. I hope my blog made sense. Like I said, I am sick. =]

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