Sunday, January 31, 2010

El Oh Vee Eee

I have a lot of what I guess you would call faith. I'd like to think it's a universal wq ideal, but I know that a lot of my friends who are strong wq's do not have the faith that I have.

My faith isn't in religion or in people, although sometimes I like to think I have faith in people to do what I consider the right thing but I know everyone's moral compass is a little bit off.

No, I have faith in love. Love between people. Love between the world. Love. Everywhere. Every second. I have faith that it will prevail and last and change and grow and be beautiful.

I'm not sure why I have this faith. Probably has something to do with the way I was brought up -- in an abundance of love.

Lately, I've been pondering life. Mostly with Sasha because we're crazy like that and we question things that blow our minds. I have no idea what it's meaning is aside from the fact that it is 42. Or rather that it is 42 by an author's standards ((quite a magnificent author!!))

I have no idea if religion has a point, but my psychological and anthropological background makes me want to say that it's point is to comfort people so that they don't blow their minds and go insane thinking about things that no one is ever going to understand.

I don't know why I keep pondering it when I know I'll never understand. I don't know why I keep analyzing things that I will never know the true intent behind unless someone ((the person who wrote it, said it, did it, felt it, etc)) decides to enlighten me.

So, for now I will have my faith in love. Because it gives me a reason. Some people strive to find the truths ((TOK)) but I just strive to love.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

RIP Peepers

I don't really know how to deal with death. When Gregory died, it just hurt all the time knowing that I was never going to be able to see his smile or hear his laugh again. It was hard to go over to the Gilman's as well as driving by his house. We started up a couple of traditions so that he could "live on" because it made us feel better. Rituals are around solely to make the people understand and to feel better.

At the same time though, I didn't live with Gregory. I, to this day, cannot comprehend losing someone that I live with. To a lesser degree, I know how it is to lose a pet.

Last night, we had to put our cat Peepers to sleep. He had a really bad kidney infection that we did not know he had. It started so suddenly and it broke my heart listening to him cry in the bathroom before my mom took him to the vet.

It hasn't really hit me yet fully because he's usually hiding or outside being silly. Crash hasn't realized it yet either. When he realizes it he's going to be so sad. We're going to be getting a new kitten next week to hopefully stop Crash from becoming depressed. Since he's such an empathetic dog.

It's not my first time losing a kitty. My family has always been a cat family, so losing Peepers wasn't our first. When I was born we had Ghia. She was very old at that point but she didn't die until I was 7 or 8. When I was 3 or 4 we got Alley. He was my kitty. My baby!

When Ghia died, she was very sick for a long time. She stayed in the bathtub and would barely eat. Alley kept a vigil for her and didn't leave her side till she died. She died while I was sleeping. When I woke up in the morning she was just gone. I don't remember how I felt. I don't remember a lot about that time of my childhood.

Shortly after, we gave Alley to my grandma. She always has had a ton of cats and Alley was depressed. We thought if he was around other cats he would be happy. He got even more depressed because he thought we were abandoning him. He starved himself to death. This happened when my mom was a stay at home mom so I didn't go to my grandma's as much. I found out 2 months after he starved himself that he was dead. I don't know how I felt when he died either.

We didn't have a pet for a long time after that, other than turtles, frogs, lizards, and fish. You can't cuddle those animals like you can cuddle a dog or a cat!! About 9 years later we got Crashy. Shortly after that we got Mew. She was a crazy cat. We traded her to my aunt for Peepers. Losing Gwenevere was not as devastating either because she's still alive.

I'm not quite sure how I feel. I've been wanting a new kitty for awhile. Just because it's hard for me to not have a kitty to sleep with like Gwenevere. Now we definitely have to get one for my momma. It's really got me thinking about death though.

Sad Day. I'm not sure where this was supposed to go. But I wanted to write it all out, and my journal is too far away.

Friday, January 29, 2010

The Testing Begins...

I know that I've mentioned before that I have been trying to gain weight because I don't want to be construed as anorexic, nor am I satisfied with how I look. I don't want all of my clothes to be too big...I want to be 100 pounds.

Normally, people want to LOSE it to be that weight. I want to gain it. So, as part of reaching my New Year's Goals we set up an appointment with the internist to do blood tests and try and find out if there is something medically wrong with me.

I had that appointment yesterday. I think that Dr. Siu thinks that we're crazy and thinks that I'm just naturally this way. But we insisted on having the tests since I have lupis, thyroid problems, hypoglycemia, diabetes, etc in my family. So I'm probably going to go and do that on Monday so we can find out ASAP what I am lacking in vitamins etc. After this we're gonna go to a nutritionist so that I can be set up with a diet to gain the weight or just eat healthier. I think it's the only way I'll be able to stick with it.

Dr. Siu also had me do an EKG? ECG? E something G? To test my heart because he said he might have felt some palpitations. AWESOME. But it fits in with what the psychologist said a couple of months ago. She said I might have palpitations which could lead to my panic attacks because I get anxiety about my heart beating weirdly. So, the verdict?

I have heart palpitations. And I have to go to the heart specialist now also. Woo...

Also, I conduct electricity weirdly. sweeeet. hahaha. I love being so weird!!

At first I was thinking to myself, "why do I always have all of these problems. I mean, is it normal for people to have a bunch of psychological disorders (undiagnosed, but still), AND physical issues...think my precancerous cells that are finally gone!"

And then I realized, yeah probably. People just don't go to the doctors and get it checked out usually. I'm such a hypochondriac. Also, my psychological disorders might be caused by the heart palpitations which makes me feel a little bit better.

I suppose we will see. I will keep updating this because it's an interesting journey. I like trying to figure out myself. Both mentally, physically, emotionally. I'm such a sucker for knowing everything.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Grumpy Bear

Sometimes, for no apparent reason I get mad. Legitimately angry and in a bad mood and I can't shake it. Obviously, this is completely opposite of my usual personality. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before but it is hard for me to get angry because I see it as a waste of time.

Regardless, I was pretty pissed tonight. I'm only cheered up now because a friend told me it's not worth being angry over (a waste of time, like I always think) and that tomorrow is a new day (so true). Things kind of started off slow. I'm getting slightly stressed with school starting in less than a week and trying to find a second job (but failing.) I'm also in a tough spot with my internship and that really stresses me out too.

This was all manageable of course! I relaxed this evening (watched a movie with my mom) and painted another cupcake for a friend. Things were going dandy but then I remembered I have to write two CD Reviews for tomorrow. Never Shout Never and Charlotte Gainsbourg. The latter I ADORED. The former, gave me a freaking headache.

I was kind of excited for this CD because I kept hearing all of this hype on it and the lyrics appeared to be upbeat and I can never resist upbeat lyrics (I admit it, I like one Jonas Brothers song). But then I turned it on and my ears started to bleed. Okay, not literally but for serious right now, that kid's voice is SERIOUSLY whiny to the core. My dad says that Kurt Cobain's songs are whiny - maybe lyrics wise but i can stand / love his voice. Christopher Drew from Never Shout Never...made me want to punch someone.

So anyway, I got the 100 words out of the way. Been there done that. Easy as pie. I was kinda excited to write a negative review for once because I always end up liking everything just because it's in my nature I guess. The next step would be to log into my e-mail to send the review off to the magazine. I had some messages and one was from a girl from my high school.

It's her birthday and she linked her birthday to a cause to get people to donate. I think that's a pretty sweet idea. Her cause? Abolish Abortion. Now, I'm ALL for everyone expressing their opinions. But there's a pretty distinct and fine line between expressing your opinion and forcing it on me. For whatever reason I felt like she was forcing her opinion on me. This has NOTHING to do what the topic is (although rather touchy and I do NOT believe it should be abolished, solely because I do not think the government should be able to make that decision for me. Fuck, I don't think my BOYFRIEND should be able to make that decision for me and the kid would be half his. Granted, I have no idea what I would do if i found myself pregnant at this point in my life. I only hope it doesn't happen and I plan to cross that hurdle if it ever comes).

Back to having opinions forced on me. Why do people do it?

It's just like with religion. I've lost plenty good friends because they were too forceful with their religion and me. Can't they just accept and love who I am?

I know in regards to religion a lot of the time it's not about acceptance, it's that they want to share their experience with me, but I'm sorry. I'll try my best to understand, I'll listen and be happy for you, but I haven't quite figured out my religion in life. Love is my religion, I think.

But I'm not angry anymore. I just wanted to share that story. And maybe get people to stop trying to force their opinions on me. Let me be me!!!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Tut-Tut Looks Like Rain

I am obviously referring to my black cloud. I thought that by saying it was going to go away I could actually make it go away, like I've done with my fear but I apparently do not have that much control (although the control freak in me would LOVE to think I do).

This is not the case. I have decided my black cloud is never going to go away because it follows my entire family. Tut-tut, it's always going to look like rain. Time to suck it up and accept it and climb over it!

LUCKILY, I have this really cool ladder that helps me climb over clouds. (Also, I'm afraid I've been sounding even crazier in my posts lately, oh man.) It's made of optimism and faith that things will work out.

Today, when my black cloud struck and I had a break down because things keep going in a cycle and my family and I can not seem to get ahead at all, I started questioning what the point of everything is. I still have not come to a conclusion. I am not religious at all; I vaguely believe in the idea of a God who jump started this whole thing and then said "have fun!" and watches us as his favorite sitcom. Vaguely. Mostly, I have this idea that everything is interconnected and reliant on each other and there seems to be a reason for everything in this life and that it won't be revealed to us but that there is a reason.

I don't have any facts to back that up. It's just this intuitive feeling that I have, or maybe it's just something I tell myself to keep myself from sinking into a depression with thoughts that everything is pointless.

Maybe life is completely random chaos that doesn't have a reason. But I feel like there is a reason for our chaos. That we learn lessons and grow and procreate for a reason. Maybe that reason is just to continue our species. I have no idea and frankly, the thought is making my head hurt in a Theory of Knowledge sort of way. I wonder what Shields has to say on this subject. I should go visit him.

Anyway, I've accepted my black cloud. HEY LOOK BLACK CLOUD! I KNOW YOU AREN'T GOING AWAY. but i am not scared of you.

So let's keep those hits coming, I'll always rise above with a smile, somehow. It's just in my nature. And in the mean time, let's all try to stay dry in this rain?!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I thought I left the Tornado Watch Forecasts in Ohio...


I don't think I ever seriously thought there would be even a tornado warning in southern California, much less have one actually touch down less than 20 miles from my house. But today it did! It was pure craziness.

I'm obsessed with this right now, like I usually get with disasters; although I'm not sure why. Whenever there were earthquakes when I was little I would sit up watching the news to make sure there wouldn't be another one or something. I was fascinated by the wreckage.

Hurricanes, tornados, tsunamis, fires...etc just wow.

So, of course, in light of today's wreckage...well, I'm jonesing to get out and look at it all! I watched the entire storm today from inside the walls of Buffalo Wild Wings. I got to work before it started raining, and left after it had cleared (and I saw a rainbow!!)

I did peek outside in the heart of the storm to check on my car and I got entirely SOAKED!! Alex (the general manager) was laughing at me soo soo bad. My car appeared to be holding up nicely...

That was clearly a lie I told myself to stop worrying.

The first thing I noticed when I got in my car was that my driver's seat was completely soaked. I then saw the puddles in my backseat and front seat. And the puddle in the cup in the heck did water even get in there?!

The next step after sitting in the puddle that was formerly my front seat? Turn on the car. Check...figure out how to turn off my windshield wipers when they're in the off position?!

Yeahhh I couldn't figure that one out, so I drove home with my windshield wipers on when the sky was (temporarily) blue above us. People probably thought I was crazy, but really what else is new?!

Most of the streets were flooded and blocked off so it took about 40 years to reach my apartment, at which point my entire bottom half of my body was soaking wet thanks to the ocean in my car. I pull into the garage super excited to go inside and eat my honey bbq chicken salad, but then my door won't close. Awesome.

My car just likes to win every single award in ghettoness. Somehow the C shaped part in the door that latches to the "strike" (i think?) on the body of the car decided to do a 180 thus making it impossible to close my door.

So, sweet. My car is undriveable. AGAIN. tut tut looks like rain...for the next several days!

Luckily we are getting a rental car tomorrow and I will be able to drive my mom's car and all of my plans will continue as...well planned!!

I thought I would share my hilariously bad luck story with you, although this isn't a very WQ post.

Good luck in the torrential downpour!! ((this kind of makes me miss the least i didn't drive there!)

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Overcoming fears

I've been going to Glamis since I was 11 or 12 but we really didn't get into going and playing in the sand until 8th grade. We went every holiday weekend from October until April. I didn't have a quad for the first year - I just always rode in my Papa Buddy's buggy or sometimes my friend LaLa and I would switch off riding her Honda 250EX (which later became my first quad).

When I started going I was a lot less confidnent in a lot of things. I was social but could usually be found reading a book. I was me but I was always such a scaredy cat. Every top of a "baby" dune I would cry, terrified to go down. [[I'm not sure why I'm always scared to go down things. I love going up! Up rock climbing walls, up dunes, up trees, up ladders, up up up!!)

But going back down...yeah about that. I cried. I refused to go down. I was stubborn. I threw fits.

Then we went to Idaho and my aunt was very into video-taping the trip. We were goofing off, going through bowls and up! As per usual, when my dad tried to make me go back down...I threw a fit. Caught. On. Tape. We watched it that night, I was excited and completely oblivious to the fact that they caught me on tape freaking out.

I was completely MORTIFIED.
no way was that me...only it was...

From that moment on I decided, "Fuck it! I can do it!" I knew they weren't going to lead me through something that I wasn't going to be able to handle. So when I got started to get scared I would sing to myself while I road. Usually Josie and the Pussycats. No, I don't know why. Oddly enough, it worked.

After I decided to put my big girl panties on, I stopped crashing too. who knew having confidence in myself would lead to me being a safer rider?

These days I don't have to sing. I don't hesitate at all. When in doubt, gas it. I think I took this philosophy to other aspects of my life. When I'm scared, I forge ahead. There is no longer anything I'm too scared to do. Jump my quad? No prob. Climb something and go back down...I'll be scared but I'll do it. I'll even light a fire if I have to.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it takes something simple like seeing myself freak out, to be determined and not give up. Of course, it's a lot harder to stick with that decision. But confidence usually builds pretty quickly when you realize you can do it.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Life Changing Events

Everyday I wake up expecting my day to be a normal day, not routine, because I despise all routines, but there are things that I know need to get done that day, plans I have and promises to keep. But every once in awhile, something happens that will shake my being to the very core.

This is a common human life feeling. People are just minding their own business working when suddenly a plane has crashed into the office building and they are running for your life. Sometimes, you're driving home from the desert and your father calls you to tell you your cousin has died. Other times you're sleeping and you are awoken by your house being on fire. A lot of these life changing events are the result of other people's actions and a lot of them are completely random and life changing like a death or a natural disaster.

They really make a person think and want to live each day. That's my goal every morning I wake up. To live it. To really feel whatever emotions, to breathe in the air, appreciate the beauty. I don't ever want to go through life on auto-pilot doing everything because I have this sense of mindless action. I want responsibility. I want to accept it and live it. I crave chaos. I thrive in it.

Last night, I was thinking about Gregory. That was one of my life changing events. We were driving home from Glamis, perhaps the best weekend I had ever had out there. I was walking in a dream because it was the day after Trevor and I had first kissed. I was giddy. My mom woke me up somewhere around Niland to tell me the news. I cried the whole way home and then some. For weeks, months, forever...nothing's been the same since.

Another life changing event was the day my mom moved out of my dad's house. I was sleeping in Ohio when she called me. It had been just another weekend night hanging out in the dorms by myself. After that, nothing was the same. Ultimately, it shaped my decision to move home, my need to be closer to my family vastly outweighed my love for the school and my thirst for knowledge.

Last year, the house fire changed my life in a bigger way than either of those. See, Gregory made me want to live life like him -- as happy as I could be and to not let the little things get me down. My parent's split made me truly value my relationships and truthfully, made me fearful that not everything is always going to work out in a relationship even when there is still love. But the house fire, that was my life that was on the line. I didn't really realize it at the time. There wasn't smoke in my house but the fear was there. It gave me this unfulfillable need to be closer to those I love, to tell them everyday I love them.

I've always been a fairly affectionate person, hugging and kissing my friends every chance I can. But slowly it's grown over time. I can't let a day slip past me waiting patiently or just knowing that I love someone. I need to shout it from the rooftops everyday! Not because it's a habit to tell them I love them, but because what if something happened and I were to lose them forever? I would always regret that I didn't tell them I loved them more, that I didn't hug them enough...

See, that's my one regret -- I didn't visit Gregory in the hospital enough. It's an irrational regret because I was smart by not visiting him. I was afraid of getting him sick and I knew he knew I loved him. I would play over at his house every chance I could get...but I couldn't go to the hospital. He felt so much more vulnerable there. Like my breath would just knock him over. So I stayed away. When he died I hadn't seen him 2 or 3 months. That's not a big stretch of time to go without seeing someone. Some people go years! But when you only live for 8 years...that's a pretty large amount of time.

I'm not too sure what I'm getting at because I started this with a different direction in mind like usual. I guess Gregory is just dominating my thoughts right now. Originally, I wanted to lead this thought into the earthquake in Haiti along with the countless of other tragedies that happen everyday and go without the media coverage.

Please, please, please do what you can. I'm too poor to donate right now, but when I get paid next week I will do my best. Yesterday Eric and I were talking about how we wanted to go over there and help. I can't stand to think of people in critical danger. I try to ignore it, though I know it doesn't change the facts. It just masks the event and makes me a little more selfish. But somedays, we gotta do that to take care of ourselves.

Again, this is the wrong direction. Don't ignore it. Do something about it. Be the change. Be you. Be a warrior queen! They are all one and the same.

Help out! I remember when I went to Gulfport after Hurricane Katrina. I learned so much and I helped someone! I saw the look on her face. She was so happy even though after our 4 days there her house was still nowhere near complete. There was just such a sense of love throughout that whole trip. I'm not Christian, but the love I found at the church we stayed at and the church that fed us left me in awe. I may not believe in an orgainzed religion but I believe in love, that is my religion.

Still, I get off my train of thought; I should have known that my scatterbrained behaviors today would translate into this posting. But I hope you understand it. I hope you love.

p.s. I have noticed I have a trend of sleeping and being awoken by life changing events. Kind of metaphoric if you ask me.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

This is where I get my optimism...

I was thinking about my sunshine today and how he used to laugh. So I watched his videos. The mighty ducks @ CHOC is my favorite. Watch it.

Remember to live each day like it's your last, your life could be gone in a moment. Tell your loved ones how you feel as often as you can.

I love you, Gregory.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

One Year Ago

I'm not sure if many of you know this actual story...

Date: January 18, 2009
Time: 5:45 AM

Nicole woke up in a panic. She could hear the voices outside her window and a loud CRASH! Half asleep, she raised herself to look out the window. HOT. The window was hot. But it is January, the coldest day of the year, in fact. The wind chill was in the negatives. Snow was falling on the ground. But flames poured toward her face.

I fell asleep with my bedroom door locked. Of the five of us, I was the only one who chose to stay in that night, unwilling to face the cold yet again and tired from my car search throughout the day. I kept hearing noises downstairs. Terrified, I retreated to my locked bedroom, with Gwenevere in tow. My voice trembled with fear of being alone and Trevor worried for me on the phone. He didn't hang up until I fell asleep.

Clearly, the neighbor's house was on fire. Ours could be next. We needed to get out of there. Nicole ran to my door to wake me. We were the only two there; everyone else had returned home for the weekend. She rattled the door to my room, trying to wake me. I screamed hysterically, thinking she was one of the bums from the alley behind the house trying to get in to steal things or rape me. Somehow, I heard Nicole screaming my name over and over again. I quieted and asked her what was wrong? She told me the neighbor's house was on fire, we needed to get outside. I jumped out of bed, kicking Gwenevere off. She ran under the bed, but I would not know this for six hours. I grabbed my phone and my glasses and closed the door behind me.

Running down the stairs, I was in a state of delirium. We needed jackets and boots. Of that I was sure. We could leave everything else, however precious it was to me, but our health was crucial. I texted Trevor as I ran, "my house burning," probably not the best idea but I must admit that thinking to grab our coats and shoes was my only rational thought until I got outside. We took the extra 2 minutes to put our stuff on, our house was not yet on fire.

Nicole and I burst outside and the contrasting temperatures hit me. It was icy, still snowing and in the negatives but the heat of the flames poured at me. The cops were standing outside of the neighbor's evicted house. Why were they there? Were they burning it down? We asked them. They shouted back, thinking we were crazy. They had been at the station across the street and saw the house go up in flames. I stood in front of the fire - in awe, terrified. The cops screamed at me until I moved. I ran across the street and went around.

The fire trucks arrived in less than 2 minutes. Thank god for quick reaction times. We called some people, it's not really that important except for the funny fact that I called our roomate Jo before I called my own mother. I wanted to know what to do. Clearly, Jo, in Cincinatti could do nothing. Around this time Nicole went into a full-blown panic attack. The bodies were being carried out of our neighbor's house. It turns out they were squatters or bums, it was never really made clear to us. I turned us away from the scene, unsure if they were alive or dead,but I had decided that the trauma of the night was enough for us.

Despite our coats we were freezing, and soon the police hustled us into the back of a police car. Warm, but the seats were hard. We awaited Nicole's parent's arrival. Luckily, they only lived in the next town over. What happened after that is a blur of waiting and texting people and trying to take pictures on our phones and making athe best of a shitty situation. We did not know until the end (around 7am) that our house had even caught on fire. The firefighters kept running inside and I kept panicking about Gwenevere. It was the only thing I thought about saving during the entire fire.

Finally they let us walk into the house to retrieve our valuables, promising us the ability to remove everything later in the day when the sun came up. The images of the house are burned in my mind. There was ash smeared on the walls and the carpet was soggy and dirty. My door had been closed by the fighters opened it, just in case. There were holes in Jo's ceiling with water pouring through. On the third floor, you could see out into the night. It was at this point we realized that our roof had caught fire from the flames pouring out.

This one event, has traumatized me. It is hard to believe that it's been almost a year and yet the memory and the images are seared into my mind. Most nights, I dream about fire. I am terrified of it.

Not all fire of course. If it's in a controlled environment I'm okay to an extent. I can begin to trust that it will be okay. Bonfire pits are okay if only with someone close. Every time the fire alarm went off at our townhouse in Ohio (where we lived after the fire at the Dollhouse) I ran for the door. You would think my fear would subside or that it would be constantly present. It's not.

I don't like thinking about THE fire or fire in general. I should go and talk to Dr. May about it but I'm not ready for that. The only time I really think about fire is when I see someone with a lighter near me.

My fear was particularly heightened in September when there were the big fires. They affected people close to me and I'm pretty sure I had several panic attacks that week. But I'm working on overcoming my fear of fire.

Never will I trust it or play with it again as I did when I was little. I have learned of the dangers and horrors it could inact, firsthand. However, I want to lead myself toward a healthy fear of fire as opposed to panic attacks and terror.

Have you ever been traumatized by something and lived in terror of it?

Monday, January 11, 2010

Healthy Weights and Adequacy

How do you convince someone that you don't have an eating disorder?

This seems to be my dilemma as of late. Yes, I am tiny and skinny and I weigh under 100 pounds. No, I am not underweight.

It really aggravates me that everywhere you go there are the lo-cal options for people who want to lose weight, but nothing for those of us who want to gain weight. Or not only that, I hate when people tell me how jealous they are of my body.

I have my issues with my body just like the next girl. I think I'm too skinny for ME. I wouldn't mind weighing a little more. I understand that most people wouldn't mind weighing less. I don't think this focus should be on weight though. It's an unhealthy focus -- it is what leads to eating disorders and many psychological problems.

I wish we could all just focus on being HEALTHY as opposed to skinny or slim or at the perfect weight. If you don't love your body as it is, there is no perfect weight. Nothing will ever be good enough.

As for me, I am trying to be healthier -- I eat healthier and I am trying to fix my sleeping pattern (once again). I am going to go to the doctors and find out if I am deficient in anything and then go to the nutritionist and get that figured out. Gaining weight is solely to get people to stop telling me I have an eating disorder.

I guess what it all comes down to is self-worth and feeling adequate. I love myself; not too many people do. I wish this feeling for everyone. I wish that you can feel adequate with yourself and to follow your dreams. I wish you to go out there and do what you want to do. I wish you to love others with everything you can. I wish you the best. =]

P.s. My blogs always start out with one direction and I always get lost along the way.

Friday, January 8, 2010

How often do you read?

Today is so glorious! It's beautiful outside and I am feeling quite beautiful inside!! I love days like these. =]

Lately, I think I've been sticking to my goals of finding more time for myself and not stressing so much. My finances are still very tight and I'm not sure if I will be able to save enough to move out based off of my work hours, but I might get a second job soon. Who knows. Something will come up. I'm feeling very full of faith that everything's going to work out right now.

Today, I rediscovered a treasure! The library! I haven't been to the library in forever to check out books. I have so many books I need to read on my shelves at home but I decided I wanted something different right now. So I went to the library and I checked out three books - Two of the Vonnegut books I haven't read and You Suck by Christopher Moore that I've wanted to borrow from Trevor for forever but his step-mom is reading it right now. I am so excited to read them!!

I hope I stick to these books. It has been forever since I've finished a book from start to finish without reading other books in between them. I think of it as a metaphor for my life. I keep getting impatient with things and starting new projects before I finish the old. Right now I'm working on finishing the old and finishing my books.

I used to read every night before bed but now I talk on the phone or talk online. It doesn't leave me feeling as peaceful when I fall asleep so I think I'm going to start reading before bed again. One of my many goals. I love goals!

This blog is just so scattered like my brain is right now. There is so much I should be doing right now, but I'm going to just read my book for a little while and escape into it. I'm reading Superfreakonomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner. It's the sequel to Freakonomics which I had to read for my econ class in high school and I fell in love with it.

It's so intriguing but so hard to explain. Let's see if I can do it. The authors take the principles of economics and apply it to everyday things and how people think in general. For example, in Superfreakonomics, there is a chapter called Why a Prostitute and Department Store Santa are similar. It gets into the details of how people respond to incentives, etc etc. It's so interesting! Go read the back of it!!

I'm gonna get to it. Maybe I'll post again later. I'm quite proud of myself for the dilligence I've been posting even when I don't have anything in particular to say like today.

But you should probably take some time out of your day for reading. =]

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Dreams are funny things. I love the way they are brewed from our subconscious and if you're lucky enough you catch them and can try to interpret them or get a good laugh.

I almost always remember my dreams. Usually one a night, maybe more. My imagination just runs wild -- i told you guys, I never stop thinking! My favorite dreams are the craziest like the time the cow turned into a person and spoke to me because I was terrified of him. I'm kind of glad I'm over my fear of cows I had when I was little. Which, when translated means really masochistic men. hahaha. Ever the feminist.

Lately, I've been having really awesome dreams where people are trying to kill me or kill the ones I love and I beat the shit out of them like "Don't worry guys! I've got this!" Only in my most recent one we got caught anyway and we were about to be eaten by the cannibals when my alarm awoke me. Ok, I'll explain the dream because it's crazy cool and I had my friend translate it and it really fits with my life [[hence why dreams are crazy, but no, cannibals are not trying to eat me in real life. I don't think...I'm too emaciated for them. No meat. Just bones]]

So, the scene begins with Trevor and I in our cars in some parking lot, probably a 7-11 because the sign was colorful in the background. We're standing in the doorway of our cars plotting what we're gonna do next. Suddenly this homeless lady in her mid 60s approaches me and starts asking me for things. I am freaking the eff out. ((I'm not sure if you're aware, but I'm terrified of homeless people and bums since the house fire last year))

Trevor comes over to console me // make the homeless lady go away. Apparently, this is exactly what she wanted because her PIC swooped in on Trev's car. So we start beating them up, because the lady tries to steal MY car! So I'm mauling an old homeless lady with my polka dot peep toe pumps and she pulls out a gun and tries to shoot us.

Now it's like that new movie about the Morgans where they go into hiding until the killer is found. Well, I was put into hiding in this lady's house. She took me to the back room and opened up a secret latch in the floor and there was a living room, bedrooms and bathroom down there! It was like I was Anne Frank, only I wasn't involved in a horrific war. So I hid down there for a few days. I had to keep the lights off and quiet in case they came with dogs to sniff me out. I'm not sure why that made logical sense but it did.

After several days of this my mom decided it was bullshit and sprang me. We drove Chuck to a restaurant. More bums kept trying to kill me and steal Chuck. I was not having it. They could have the ghettovertible, but not my baby. NEVER my baby! AT the restaurant the dogs were there. I tried to run but they found me anyway. Mom took me to Carol and Devino's to hide.

Devino's art and magic had exploded into his new architecture. The house was crazy awesome. I can't remember most of it, I just remember that Zoe's room was made out of puzzles. As in, the walls were cut into puzzle pieces and they could actually be removed. SICK. That's where they found me. They had captured everyone else. Time to become din din.

So. Crazy dream? Erykka interpreted it for me and this is what she said: "Death is change. Separation means unresolved separation in your family. Hiding is fear you won't face. And people wanting to kill you is a disagreement with someone or inner conflict."

I don't think it could have rang more true!

Dream books are soo cool. I wonder what they would say about my fire nightmares, like the time I was able to rewind in my dream so I didn't set the whole hills on fire. Anyway, I'm tired and going to go dream some more craziness <3

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Ignorance would be blissful

I think I spent too much time reading about and listening to my mom talk about her psychology stuff as a child or perhaps I'm just more observant and understanding about things as a whole. Whatever it is, I can understand almost anything (unless it's math or a completely logical concept. haha)

Whatever the reasons are I understand far more than is normal or expected of me. I understand why people act the way they act before they know why themselves. I understand why people hurt me and forgive them for it. It's almost impossible for me to be angry. In order for me to be angry, I have to actually force myself to focus only on the act that should make me angry, not on anything else.

I want to know everything. It's a fatal vice, if you will. It makes me understand things. Which, I don't think is entirely a bad thing. Or is bad at all. Granted, I want to think it's a bad thing because I want to be ignorant right now. I want to not know what's going on and I want to just be ignorant and blissful and dumb.

Just kidding.

I like understanding everything. I like understanding people. It helps me make amazing friends. It helps me help others. It's why I can be a role model and teach my warrior queen-ism. I pick up on the littlest signs and details. Some people might think of it as a waste of time. But I like caring for people. And part of understanding is caring, i guess. Caring enough to want to understand why someone is doing what they're doing.

I'm not entirely sure where I wanted to go with this post. But I wanted to put it out there about my understanding.

Also, i wanted to reinforce what I always say -- how can you be happy with someone else if you're not happy with yourself?

I'm glad I'm happy with myself. I hope you can be happy with yourself, too.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

2010, welcome!

I have always been one to reflect on who I am, who I have been, and who I want to be on a fairly regular basis. I am always striving to find some way to "better" myself, although that can be taken very wrong. In bettering myself, I mean that I always want to be learning more and being the type of person who likes the person that they are.

Of course, it is human nature to dislike things about oneself and self-loathing is very common in our society. But I feel that it is so counter-productive to my well-being because if I don't love myself, how am I supposed to care for myself or truly love another human being?! (Granted, this is my view on life, and many people have different views.)

The first part of my definition of being a warrior queen is being the best of you in all situations.

Sometimes, I fail this.

Maybe not in a way that anyone could notice, but definitely in a way that I notice. Definitely in a way that I cringe in my own skin. It usually revolves around girl cruelty.

I have resolved the fact that girl cruelty is something that is inane in every girl / woman unless she overcomes it and it is going to happen to me and I, unfortunately, will take part in it. I want to minimize that, though. And I will. I can do it. I'll stop thinking mean things about people -- increase my karma? Remember they have feelings. That type of thing. I'm going to go back to being graceful ((I think I'm going to start with not being FAKE nice to Leah at work...))

I can't help but think that my "mean" thoughts stem from being influenced at my impressionable age by people in Orange County. Although it is easy to blame these people that I have encountered, who's to say that I wouldn't have encountered those people in Covina?

Before I moved here, less than 10 years ago -- crazy to think that at this point in the last decade I had no idea I would ever be living in Orange County, or doing any of the things that I am doing now -- I was probably one of the kindest, most courteous children in Southern California.

I wanted to help everyone ((I still do)) and I accepted everyone ((I try to...)). I was everyone's friend and I was oblivious to judgments. Sooner or later I would have had a rude awakening, true; but of course it happened at my most impressionable time.

I have retained a person that I love and I work everyday to be the change I want to see, but it doesn't appear to be enough for me. A quote I found in class last year -- Contentment is the death of a dream.

I'm not content. I'm not settling.

New Year's day is just another day in my life, with significance brought on by materialism and society. But, I have a feeling 2010 is going to be a little bit better than 2008 or 2009. We deserve this. We can do this. =]

P.S. I am compiling a list of goals for 2010 on my xanga cuz it likes lists. Clicky ;)
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