Wednesday, December 30, 2009
SO have a fun and safe holiday!!
P.S. I am SO jealous of anyone going out to glamis <3
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Have you ever wanted anything so bad that you would give up everything for it? Pack up all you belong, move out of your home, quit your job, compromise a part of your dream? I might be reaching that point in my life. Really, what is stopping me? Responsibilities, people depending on me, finances. People have given up more for love.
Whenever I think of this, I think of the travel book Britney had me read last year. About the lady who just packed up and left one day and lived off of 20 dollars a month in some foreign countries making friends and learning. But I don't want to go that far away. Where I want to go won't be that easy on my finances. Where I want to go is my future.
I want to fast-forward through these fantastic times I know I'm going to have to the moment where I am on my own again. To the time that I move out, I have my own room, I have my own things. My things are ogranized, my bed is never empty and he is just a few short miles away. I want to be in school feeling like i am accomplishing something and not just taking classes to have health insurance. To be fair, I have a lot of fantastic things going for me right now. Things are looking up, they're always looking up.
Today, in the Good Morning Sunshine! book that I got my mom for Christmas last year, it talked about forgiveness and the man had the same philosophy as me - holding grudges is a waste of time. So the affirmation for the day was to let go of hurtful emotions. I am a very forgiving person. But I hold on to the other negative emotions that come with the anger and hurt - I hold on to the fear, I suppose.
I don't do it on purpose. I would give anything to let that go too, and I'm trying, through staying positive and psyching myself up to it. But apparently, every little hurt likes to lodge itself into my anxiety and rear it's ugly head whenever things are going fantastically. I'm quite the self-sabotager. I love who I am but this part of me I just think is plain dumb.
I over-think everything. LITERALLY. I look for signs, down to the grittiest details. So, I propose trying to not over-think things. I am going to do what I was doing for most of November - ignore unhappy emotions. Not because I don't want to face them. But to train myself to the proper level of dealing with them. And I'm going to let go all of the anxiety and worry and let it be.
Or at least, I'm going to try to. Let's give this a clean slate, like I've been saying from the start.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Let me preface with this: I did not grow up on Disney.
Clarification: I was familiar with Disney things - I knew all of the stories and had a favorite princess, etc. However, I was not indoctrinated with the entire Disney picture. My father was not a fan of Eisner and thus I was not subjected to many Disney-like things. I went to Disneyland a couple of times as a child, always with other people. Once I turned 13 though my god-brother was hired at Disney and I started to go more frequently with my friends. So maybe I have a more objective view to Disney than most because I was not swept away by its magic at a young age. Regardless, I love Disneyland and Disney movies and cartoons, etc etc. In fact, I bought my first pass to Disneyland and go every opportunity I get.
My love is still divided because of the controversies. Of course, many of the movies and shows that are racist and sexist were made during a time when those things were acceptable, or based off of storytales written hundreds of years ago when they were the norm. It doesn't change the fact that it is there and children of our future generations are viewing these and thinking it's okay ((although, like my Barbie article, I'm not so sure children are AS affected by all of this as some people like to make it seem.))
In this regards, and what sparked this whole crazy post (I've got a cold, my mind is delirious!), is the newest Disney commercial I've seen.
It's time for the Holidays so of course we are inundated with commercial after commercial and product placement after product placement and the whole thing just gets overwhelming. But this commercial really stood out to me.
The commercial begins with a little girl saying "OH NO! THERE'S A PRINCE IN DISTRESS. We need to rescue him!" << this is where i hit the rewind on my DVR.
Did I really just hear prince? Yes, yes I had. The girls then go pedaling off on their super cool bikes to rescue the prince in need - a teddy bear prince, but a prince nonetheless.
It made me happy. Granted, it's a teddy bear and you can read so much into it and somehow stay that it's still sexist, etc. BUT someone took the initiative on that commercial and twisted the damsel in distress and made us girls the heroine.
I am seeing that a lot in the girls I babysit nowadays. It might be something fleeting - this strong girls are better than boys mentality. But I certainly hope not.
So I applaud Disney for that commercial, and you can bet millions of dollars my daughter's gonna be a little Damzl, if you know what I mean.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Relaxation is hard for me, not because I don't know how to relax...but because I'm so high strung I never have time to! So, I guess I'm making a New Years resolution early -- I'm going to make more time for relaxation. I'm going to set aside half hour everyday for reading. I will feel so much better, so much more intellectual again. I'm going to take walks.
Walks clear my head of the nasty thoughts and leave the serenity inside. I very rarely feel serene. My anxiety often overcomes it. But, there are certain people who can calm me down in an instant. They are the ones who have the keys to my heart -- the ones that I cannot live without. That is why I fight for them. I would rather fight with you everyday of my life, than live a day without you.
What I'm trying to say is, are there people in your life who make you feel calmer and more at peace? Is there something you can do to calm down your crazy days? I know we all have crazy days. I'm starting to realize that it is easy to find time for that relaxation. Turn off the electronics, and BREATHE.
With that, I leave you. I am going to go breathe the beautiful air outside and see my best friend, one of the people who calms me like no other. Today we will be at peace and we will be serene. I will be resolved in my life. Without stress, especially with this final tonight. I will leave that to worry about later.
Try it! =]
Monday, December 14, 2009
See, I never have any money and there's always some crisis going on in my life. But when disaster strikes, somehow I get immensely calm. In my general state of hysterics and craziness, there lies this switch that changes over to "calm" when something happens. I can sober up in an instant to fix things. Because that's what I do, I fix things.
I very rarely give in to feelings of helplessness. Where there's a will, there is a way. Today, I wanted to share that with you. Maybe give you a little hope in your life. There's a bumper sticker I saw on facebook: "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy people enough to make it worth the effort." This is SO true. I've been annoying some people lately with my positive attitude. But, hey, when you've got a black cloud as big as mine you have to be positive! (Just ask my old roommate Kathy, it was story of our lives.)
Anyway, on with my example of today. Well, it didn't really start today, it started several years ago when I got my truck which is my pride and joy, but also very very old. So, it has a lot of issues. Currently, it's in a coma. In place of my beautiful baby boo of a truck, I am currently driving a ghettovertible. Which, is a 95 and it runs, ghetto-ly. But whenever something happens to my vehicles, it's not something small. It's not like "oh it's high time I changed the oil because it's been 3,000 miles" no, it's always "Oh, I've driven 1,000 miles so why is this ticking?" And the answer is: Oh hey guess what you need a new engine. This time, with my Ghetto car my brakes were being a little funny. It couldn't be something silly like, you have air in your brake tubes or even, HEY! change the brakes. Oh no. I've definitely managed to blow my entire rear brake system.
HELLO expensive repair and annoying inability to travel places.
BUT. I got it fixed. Not, by dishing out the money. I don't have that money. I returned my car v.e.r.y. carefully to my garage and called my grandfather, who then worked out a way to get it fixed (THANK YOU GRANDPA AND COUSIN TIMOTHY). This still left me with the problem to getting around in the meantime. I found a way to get to all of the places I need to go this week. FOR THE WIN.
So, what I'm trying to say in my roundabout way (like usual) is that when life gives you a problem, find the solution. Don't wallow in it. Fix it. Even the silly ideas make the best solutions.
Have a great day!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
I've missed you quite sorely, as you are my all-time favorite part of school. Every year my anticipation and excitement builds to put me in that perfect state of hysterical calm that I love to live my life in. Only, this year, dear finals...it looks like it's just you and I. No late night study buddies this time around. No crazy jokes with Nicole and Jo or moments when I almost pee my pants. No quotes for the wall or the dresser because someone's stayed up for 40 hours and doesn't know what they're talking about. No baking procrastination parties and sleepovers at Ariana's where we watch Chelsea instead of studying. They're all done. Fin. They did it without me.
So finals, we must embark. I can feel my throat starting to ache - the old familiar feelings are setting in. My eyes are tired, my work's scheduled me the maximum hours and everything (aka my car) is failing me. Oh it shall be perfect. Where's the snow? and the late bus?! Alas, instead we have the car with no brakes and extremely rainy weather for Southern California.
Oh and finals, did I mention that you added an extra 6 weeks to my classes this year? I am so grateful for that! SIX more weeks of information to cram into my study time. I regret that you've only given me two finals, instead of all four. A quiz and a speech? You can do much better than that!!
But finals, my dear, dear finals, I should return to your study session. You seem to be yelling at me to do my Critical Thinking homework. Will you make me some tea so I can get it done?
Thank you, you are so generous.
And now I'm off. Toodless.
P.S. Fuck. I. Never. Learned. Shit.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
So, from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU.
I'll try to do the same, make you feel loved when the world is crashing down. I love you. I really, really do.
Friday, December 11, 2009
It temporarily relieves us of pain but the negative energy is still there. Why not cleanse ourselves of this negativity? Embrace the issue and things will move forward. Life is too short to waste our time on all of this frivolity.
I'll admit it though. I've done it. Mine are generally more cryptic like my infamous away message of Spring 2008 "I fucking know I'm better" [Granted in that situation I know I am a better person] but today I feel like what makes me better - why should I think I am more important than another person? I am he as you are he and you are me and we are all together.
I am a hypocrite. But what person isn't? I strive for altruism but I can be very selfish. Because my life is MINE. It's all so complicated and needs to be balanced. I'm working on it.
Back to posting online, however. Why do it in such a public forum? Again, I have been striving for class and better communication. Lately, when I have an issue with someone I am trying to say it to them without degrading them. Their self-worth is just as important as mine.
Recently, I've been degrading a few people - to validate myself and raise my self-esteem. But it didn't. Holding onto this negativeity is hurting me. I'm not learning from it. I'm not bettering myself though the words I speak are just those. "I'm better." I know I'm not. Maybe I'm more in tune with myself, or maybe I love myself more but I have my flaws too. I need to stop worrying myself with others. This is my life. They make me feel inferior because I have given consent.
If I don't concern myself with it - I know nothing about it, it can't hurt me. Wanting to know everything can hurt me. I do not need to know everything. I'm not omniscient. If I know of it, the thoughts are still there. Not knowing keeps the thoughts away - minus the anxious thoughts I created on matters that do not concern me.
this blog covers so much. As usual the thoughts bounced around self-reflection, perhaps? To the end, I'll just say that I shall keep my negativity to a private forum when it regards another. Or to confront them. No more passive-aggressive approaches.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Bucket lists and "things to do before I die" are fun, but I, like always, decided to take a more positive approach and label it the things I have never done. Do you have a list like this? I wanna see it! =]
Had a surprise birthday party
Broken a bone
Been to an exotic country
Been off of the North American continent
Written a Full Book
Had a lingerie photo shoot
Had a professional photo shoot
Kept my room and closet clean for a year
Been to the Grand Canyon
Been on the Radio
Swam with Dolphins
Bought and Worn Dominatrix Boots
Learned to play guitar
Raced a car
Did striptease aerobics
Driven up PCH from start to finish
Been to a Strip Club
Ridden a Skateboard in Heels
Known more than 2 languages fluently
Played spin the bottle
been seduced in a foreign language
Been serenaded in public
Had a cake fight
Been to a Michigan game
Been a mommy
Laid down in the middle of the street
Been an aunty
Watched Aurora Bourealis
Seen a meteor shower with someone else
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The year 1959 marked Marilyn Monroe's landmark performance in Some Like It Hot; the ending of The Mickey Mouse Club; the addition of
Alaskaand ; and the creation of a worldwide pop culture icon that will live on throughout following decades. Someone that young girls looked up to and, eventually, tried to model their bodies after. A blonde bombshell often thought of as a bimbo but who is anything but…Barbie. Hawaii
For decades Barbie has been a role model to girl's everywhere but in so many more ways than a way to model their bodies after. Barbie stood for a feminist movement while still remaining beautiful on the outside. She started out showing girls they could be a working woman who did not need a guy to depend on.
But in recent years Mattel seems to have fallen victim to the criticism of her not proportional body and has decided to change her look to mirror that of a pre-pubescent girl. If anything, Barbie is giving the nation more of a reason to become anorexic now.
In her latest body-lift she has had her hips and breasts shaved, her waist enhanced and her face made larger – making her seem more off balance than previously. Her face has begun to resemble those of the new Bratz dolls – with gigantic heads and tiny bodies covered in even tinier clothes.
Critics always said Barbie was the cause of the spread of eating disorders, inappropriate dress and the surge in plastic surgery. Newsflash! Barbie is a doll, not living breathing flesh. Children aren't stupid; they know girls aren't supposed to look like that any more than girls are supposed to look like the Cabbage Patch Kids. Girls aren't looking at their Barbie dolls and getting ideas about plastic surgery or eating disorders, they're looking at the models and actresses that grace the covers of their teen magazines and flaunt their assets on the big screen.
Besides, when Barbie wasn't proportional we were "American the Great" not "
the Obese." It might not have a connection, but still. America
Barbie obsession swept across the nation as she went from being just a doll to practically ruling the world with her games, "life size Barbie," Christmas ornaments and collectibles covering everything from race to NASCAR.
Recently, MAC has started a new makeup line based off of Barbie's always outrageous makeup – remember the bright pinks of the 90s?
Barbie has always been a pop culture icon and has gone through many phases of life through the changes Mattel has made in her looks and lifestyle (note: working girl to single mom). This last phase change, however, has set a bad tone for the next few generations. Soon girls might be asking if they can have head implants while the girls with "slightly larger hips" want them shaved.
In short, no one is ever going to be content with Barbie – so suck it up and remember…she's just a doll.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
'Tis true. I don't want the modern romance, I want the 1950s version of romance. I think I'll spell out exactly what I mean and I think we'll find that most people will agree with me.
1) We'll start with the initial gesture, shall we? So you like someone? -- well, just because I'm going for the 1950s romance right now I'm gonna say let's have the boy ask you out, BUT I'm always all for girls making the first move, just be careful with that... -- Let's do something that is cute and means a lot...maybe a note or showing up to visit at work or school...
2) Where do we go from there? Phone calls and hand written letters -- mailed or handed over. -- Remember in junior high before we had text messaging? I would always pass notes with the boy I liked. It was always so much more meaningful. I have a box with all of the letters any one has ever sent me...er a couple of boxes but still. Phone calls, are also very sweet. I'm not sure why, probably because you can hear the emotion in their voice!
3) Proper Dates: It appears that the social norm, in the 21st century or in my generation is to go from really liking each other to being a couple and hanging out with friends. Very rarely have I seen the "dating" stage. I.E. I have been on only a handful of what I would consider a proper date. To define, a proper date, to me, would be a one-on-one preconceived outting with someone that has romantic intentions. It means you're not going to eat because you're hungry, you're not staying inside watching a movie, you're not hanging out just you and your friends. This is a DATE. And it doesn't have to be expensive, I love picnics, beach trips, movies, etc. Right now...I REALLY want to go see all of the Chritsmas lights...any takers? =]
4) FLOWERS: Okay so, I feel very deprived. I've never been given a rose by a guy. I HAVE dried roses, but they were always from my parents. I do have an ex who would always give me my favorite flowers - sunflowers. But the problem became, I would get them whenever we would have a fight. Now I see flowers as an apology thing. I don't want flowers as an apology. I want them romantically - like you want to take me on a date. Or just out of the blue!! But not an apology.
5) This last one's kinda cheesy and it's something that I was always against, but right now I'm feeling like...I'd like it. In the 1950's there was the idea of "going steady." That was when you were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. It was kind of like a promise that I want to be with you and maybe someday marry you. Back then "going steady" was important. Now a days, we become boyfriend and girlfriend with people willy-nilly. All of my boyfriends, save one, I dated because I was bored. So, what I'm saying is I want to go steady. But I don't want him to give me his jacket -- I already have a history of stealing boys jackets -- I want a promise ring. It's the modern day equivalent. But it doesn't have to be expensive, I would LOVE a ring from the 25c machine. Although, I do want it to fit so I can wear it all of the time. =]
These might be "high expectations" and some might call me "high maintenance" but I really don't think these are high demands at all. If you're not willing to do these for me I don't want anything to do with you...plain and simple. I know what I want and I won't settle for less. WQ =]
P.s. I have a lot of half written thoughts and blogs, and that is why my posts aren't always posted, etc. A lot of things end up happening and I end up changing my mind or being unable to write at all. But soon I will tell you about my internship and soon I will post my other posts. =]
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I can't even write today because I have a big project due tomorrow. I'll try my best to write soon <3
keep being positive, keep being strong.
We'll pull through and we'll hold out.
whatever is meant to make us happiest, will do so.
Take it one day at a time, like me.