Cliche New Years Post to Come

There is a cliche New Years blog to come, of course! BUT, for now I'm going to go be a crazy intern at Live Magazine, have dinner with my Godparents, head up to Moorpark so I can spend time with some of my bestest friends that I haven't seen in monthss!! Also, I'm going to dye my hair and go to the Rosebowl before I'll probably be able to get back on.

SO have a fun and safe holiday!!


P.S. I am SO jealous of anyone going out to glamis <3

A moment in my mind

My grasp on life has always been rather strong and I, myself, have always been very impatient. "Let it be" and "just go with the flow" have never made complete sense to me, although I have often striven to overcome my impatience and controlling nature. As always though, I am a walking contradiction.

Have you ever wanted anything so bad that you would give up everything for it? Pack up all you belong, move out of your home, quit your job, compromise a part of your dream? I might be reaching that point in my life. Really, what is stopping me? Responsibilities, people depending on me, finances. People have given up more for love.

Whenever I think of this, I think of the travel book Britney had me read last year. About the lady who just packed up and left one day and lived off of 20 dollars a month in some foreign countries making friends and learning. But I don't want to go that far away. Where I want to go won't be that easy on my finances. Where I want to go is my future.

I want to fast-forward through these fantastic times I know I'm going to have to the moment where I am on my own again. To the time that I move out, I have my own room, I have my own things. My things are ogranized, my bed is never empty and he is just a few short miles away. I want to be in school feeling like i am accomplishing something and not just taking classes to have health insurance. To be fair, I have a lot of fantastic things going for me right now. Things are looking up, they're always looking up.

Today, in the Good Morning Sunshine! book that I got my mom for Christmas last year, it talked about forgiveness and the man had the same philosophy as me - holding grudges is a waste of time. So the affirmation for the day was to let go of hurtful emotions. I am a very forgiving person. But I hold on to the other negative emotions that come with the anger and hurt - I hold on to the fear, I suppose.

I don't do it on purpose. I would give anything to let that go too, and I'm trying, through staying positive and psyching myself up to it. But apparently, every little hurt likes to lodge itself into my anxiety and rear it's ugly head whenever things are going fantastically. I'm quite the self-sabotager. I love who I am but this part of me I just think is plain dumb.

I over-think everything. LITERALLY. I look for signs, down to the grittiest details. So, I propose trying to not over-think things. I am going to do what I was doing for most of November - ignore unhappy emotions. Not because I don't want to face them. But to train myself to the proper level of dealing with them. And I'm going to let go all of the anxiety and worry and let it be.

Or at least, I'm going to try to. Let's give this a clean slate, like I've been saying from the start.

Love, Family, Holidays

My Christmases are always very crazy. We have such a large "family" that it's tough to see everyone on Christmas or the days surrounding it. A lot of the time we end up exchanging Christmas gifts in February, May, October...you know...MONTHS later. I'm okay with that. I like that. I like how crazy my family is.

Lately, it's been full of changes. Not bad changes, some are VERY good, but most are just...different. I'm always a big advocate of change even though I sometimes drag my feet into it. Not this time though. I like the outcome. It's what makes us, us. What I'm trying to say is, these differences with my Christmases, didn't change the one thing that matters most to me: the love i give and the love I receive.

Even that has been growing...last year I found new people to love and gained another family. Through everything, I know they're going to love me no matter what. They accepted me, as Trevor's girlfriend. But now, just as me. Granted, I'll still get introduced as that to new people, but I'm a fixture in their lives and I love it. I love the way that I go and visit Dani and the kids without him.

I'm very big on family. But it doesn't necessarily mean blood family. Some of my blood relatives I haven't spoken to since I was 6. But someone has always stepped in, and for that I am eternally grateful. I love my Hester family, though we aren't related by blood. They've always accepted us in as one of their own.

What I'm trying to say is, that on Christmas, I hope you spent time with the people you love. OR at least told them how much you love them.

Not only that though, why can't we show this love on a daily basis? I try my hardest to. Don't give me the excuse that we're too busy in our lives. Love encompasses you always. All it takes is a minute to say those eight letters in three words:

I love you.

P.S. Check this out: http://beachnerbum.blogspot.com/

It's a really good blog post about girls and immaturity, in general.

P.P.S. lookit my new ring <3

Merry Christmas

Have a Merry Christmas everyone!! Things have been a little crazy this week, I'll write again soon.
<3
Be safe

Passing Judgment

I suppose it has always been this way because of the shortcomings of humanity and our need to make mistakes and learn from them (although in this situation, I really feel no one learns this lesson). I, myself, am not immune to it, although I would like to be. I would like to be completely self-less, like Ghandi and Mother Theresa, but I am a human being, and I am sure they had their faults and shortcomings. I try to model myself after them; they are such amazing role models, like Audrey Hepburn.

Regardless, I feel that this is a large issue in today's society. I would say it is particularly prominent in Orange County, however the ickiest judgement I have ever received have always been elsewhere. Also, it's always the people that don't know you that pass the harshest judgement. I try so hard not to pass judgement on people, but especially on people I don't know. Obviously, there is going to be a first impression of someone. But so many times people surprise you. I give off the weirdest first impressions, and then people get to know me and they love me (or hate me, if they're jealous. All of the judgement I have ever received is based off of jealousy).

I suppose there are several different forms of judgement. You can judge me before you meet me, you can judge my actions, you can judge the things that come out of my mouth, you can judge my decisions, etc etc. The things I do, I do without worry that people will judge me, usually. If I want to do them -- if I want to make my own mistakes, let me. It's the only way I'll learn. It's the only way anyone will learn.

Besides, no one knows what goes on in my head. Have you tried to listen to me when I talk out my thought process. It comes out all backwards and no one understands it. But to me, it makes sense. That's the important part. It's my life. MINE. Not yours, not anyone else's. So I'm free to make my own mistakes. Feel free to worry about me; I worry about everyone constantly. I'm a worry-wart. BUT I always always always know that whatever decisions people make, it's what they want, or think they want at that time. You need to follow your heart.

And, to the people who don't know me and say things about me, don't think you know me because of what you've heard people say about me. Don't think you know me because you've read what I write online or on paper. Don't think you know me because you've looked through all of my pictures I have ever taken. I am a chameleon. I change, daily. I work forward. You could never really know me without actually trying to get to know me and talking to me in person. Which, it may sound crazy, but I will be ANYONE's friend. There are people that are jealous of me, that I cannot stand because of the way they affect my life; but when it comes down to it, if they were to call me in a moment of crisis -- I wouldn't think of my dislike of them. I would help them. There are exactly 2 people in this world that I would not help. I would probably call the cops on them, and I have not seen them since I was six.

So all of the stuff that you might be saying about me -- because I hear about it; my ears buzz -- only makes you look like a weaker person. Why do you CARE about me so much? You don't know me. Don't compare yourself to me. Find your own virtues. I am sure you have them. Everyone has them. Love yourself. Don't worry yourself with me.

Disney: Taking steps forward?

Disney has always been a favorite controversial topic. Even I have always had mixed feelings about Disney. On the one hand, it is a truly magical place that is always a fantastical experience and on the other hand there are all of the cliche, stereotypical ideas that shake me to the very core.

Let me preface with this: I did not grow up on Disney.

Clarification: I was familiar with Disney things - I knew all of the stories and had a favorite princess, etc. However, I was not indoctrinated with the entire Disney picture. My father was not a fan of Eisner and thus I was not subjected to many Disney-like things. I went to Disneyland a couple of times as a child, always with other people. Once I turned 13 though my god-brother was hired at Disney and I started to go more frequently with my friends. So maybe I have a more objective view to Disney than most because I was not swept away by its magic at a young age. Regardless, I love Disneyland and Disney movies and cartoons, etc etc. In fact, I bought my first pass to Disneyland and go every opportunity I get.

My love is still divided because of the controversies. Of course, many of the movies and shows that are racist and sexist were made during a time when those things were acceptable, or based off of storytales written hundreds of years ago when they were the norm. It doesn't change the fact that it is there and children of our future generations are viewing these and thinking it's okay ((although, like my Barbie article, I'm not so sure children are AS affected by all of this as some people like to make it seem.))

In this regards, and what sparked this whole crazy post (I've got a cold, my mind is delirious!), is the newest Disney commercial I've seen.

It's time for the Holidays so of course we are inundated with commercial after commercial and product placement after product placement and the whole thing just gets overwhelming. But this commercial really stood out to me.

The commercial begins with a little girl saying "OH NO! THERE'S A PRINCE IN DISTRESS. We need to rescue him!" << this is where i hit the rewind on my DVR.

Did I really just hear prince? Yes, yes I had. The girls then go pedaling off on their super cool bikes to rescue the prince in need - a teddy bear prince, but a prince nonetheless.

It made me happy. Granted, it's a teddy bear and you can read so much into it and somehow stay that it's still sexist, etc. BUT someone took the initiative on that commercial and twisted the damsel in distress and made us girls the heroine.

I am seeing that a lot in the girls I babysit nowadays. It might be something fleeting - this strong girls are better than boys mentality. But I certainly hope not.

So I applaud Disney for that commercial, and you can bet millions of dollars my daughter's gonna be a little Damzl, if you know what I mean.

Serenity

Today, I went for a walk. I forgot how much walking and running and fresh(ish) air in my lungs makes me feel. I've always been a highly outdoors-y person minus my distaste for bugs. I grew up camping, running, going on family walks. I think losing sight of that is part of what led to me losing sight of me.

Relaxation is hard for me, not because I don't know how to relax...but because I'm so high strung I never have time to! So, I guess I'm making a New Years resolution early -- I'm going to make more time for relaxation. I'm going to set aside half hour everyday for reading. I will feel so much better, so much more intellectual again. I'm going to take walks.

Walks clear my head of the nasty thoughts and leave the serenity inside. I very rarely feel serene. My anxiety often overcomes it. But, there are certain people who can calm me down in an instant. They are the ones who have the keys to my heart -- the ones that I cannot live without. That is why I fight for them. I would rather fight with you everyday of my life, than live a day without you.

What I'm trying to say is, are there people in your life who make you feel calmer and more at peace? Is there something you can do to calm down your crazy days? I know we all have crazy days. I'm starting to realize that it is easy to find time for that relaxation. Turn off the electronics, and BREATHE.

With that, I leave you. I am going to go breathe the beautiful air outside and see my best friend, one of the people who calms me like no other. Today we will be at peace and we will be serene. I will be resolved in my life. Without stress, especially with this final tonight. I will leave that to worry about later.

Try it! =]

Problem? Solved.

I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I have a black cloud floating above my head. It follows me everywhere and gets me when I'm having the best day ever! haha. But seriously, I'm always getting the short stick in the lottery of things. But I'm also always getting the winning numbers. I mostly attribute that to my positive attitude.

See, I never have any money and there's always some crisis going on in my life. But when disaster strikes, somehow I get immensely calm. In my general state of hysterics and craziness, there lies this switch that changes over to "calm" when something happens. I can sober up in an instant to fix things. Because that's what I do, I fix things.

I very rarely give in to feelings of helplessness. Where there's a will, there is a way. Today, I wanted to share that with you. Maybe give you a little hope in your life. There's a bumper sticker I saw on facebook: "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy people enough to make it worth the effort." This is SO true. I've been annoying some people lately with my positive attitude. But, hey, when you've got a black cloud as big as mine you have to be positive! (Just ask my old roommate Kathy, it was story of our lives.)

Anyway, on with my example of today. Well, it didn't really start today, it started several years ago when I got my truck which is my pride and joy, but also very very old. So, it has a lot of issues. Currently, it's in a coma. In place of my beautiful baby boo of a truck, I am currently driving a ghettovertible. Which, is a 95 and it runs, ghetto-ly. But whenever something happens to my vehicles, it's not something small. It's not like "oh it's high time I changed the oil because it's been 3,000 miles" no, it's always "Oh, I've driven 1,000 miles so why is this ticking?" And the answer is: Oh hey guess what you need a new engine. This time, with my Ghetto car my brakes were being a little funny. It couldn't be something silly like, you have air in your brake tubes or even, HEY! change the brakes. Oh no. I've definitely managed to blow my entire rear brake system.
HELLO expensive repair and annoying inability to travel places.

BUT. I got it fixed. Not, by dishing out the money. I don't have that money. I returned my car v.e.r.y. carefully to my garage and called my grandfather, who then worked out a way to get it fixed (THANK YOU GRANDPA AND COUSIN TIMOTHY). This still left me with the problem to getting around in the meantime. I found a way to get to all of the places I need to go this week. FOR THE WIN.

So, what I'm trying to say in my roundabout way (like usual) is that when life gives you a problem, find the solution. Don't wallow in it. Fix it. Even the silly ideas make the best solutions.

Have a great day!

F.I.N.A.L.S.

Hello Finals and Welcome!

I've missed you quite sorely, as you are my all-time favorite part of school. Every year my anticipation and excitement builds to put me in that perfect state of hysterical calm that I love to live my life in. Only, this year, dear finals...it looks like it's just you and I. No late night study buddies this time around. No crazy jokes with Nicole and Jo or moments when I almost pee my pants. No quotes for the wall or the dresser because someone's stayed up for 40 hours and doesn't know what they're talking about. No baking procrastination parties and sleepovers at Ariana's where we watch Chelsea instead of studying. They're all done. Fin. They did it without me.

So finals, we must embark. I can feel my throat starting to ache - the old familiar feelings are setting in. My eyes are tired, my work's scheduled me the maximum hours and everything (aka my car) is failing me. Oh it shall be perfect. Where's the snow? and the late bus?! Alas, instead we have the car with no brakes and extremely rainy weather for Southern California.

Oh and finals, did I mention that you added an extra 6 weeks to my classes this year? I am so grateful for that! SIX more weeks of information to cram into my study time. I regret that you've only given me two finals, instead of all four. A quiz and a speech? You can do much better than that!!

But finals, my dear, dear finals, I should return to your study session. You seem to be yelling at me to do my Critical Thinking homework. Will you make me some tea so I can get it done?

Thank you, you are so generous.

And now I'm off. Toodless.


P.S. Fuck. I. Never. Learned. Shit.

Compliments

Compliments are the best feeling in the world. You could be having the shittiest day, an average day or anything, but when someone compliments you, everything is better. I've been getting a lot of random compliments lately. Life seems to be filling back together and people keep shocking me.

So, from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU.

I'll try to do the same, make you feel loved when the world is crashing down. I love you. I really, really do.

A little bit of everything, but mostly self-reflection

Nasty words like to find themselves on the internet. Especially in relation to other people and eventually manifest themselves into an enormous problem where all parties involved are not feeling any better than when a small, minute issue arose originally. I generally includ this in my definition of girl cruelty. Boys are not immune to it, but they tend to be more blunt with one another (although, not blunt with girls...something about hurting our feelings?!) So why do we do it?!

It temporarily relieves us of pain but the negative energy is still there. Why not cleanse ourselves of this negativity? Embrace the issue and things will move forward. Life is too short to waste our time on all of this frivolity.

I'll admit it though. I've done it. Mine are generally more cryptic like my infamous away message of Spring 2008 "I fucking know I'm better" [Granted in that situation I know I am a better person] but today I feel like what makes me better - why should I think I am more important than another person? I am he as you are he and you are me and we are all together.

I am a hypocrite. But what person isn't? I strive for altruism but I can be very selfish. Because my life is MINE. It's all so complicated and needs to be balanced. I'm working on it.

Back to posting online, however. Why do it in such a public forum? Again, I have been striving for class and better communication. Lately, when I have an issue with someone I am trying to say it to them without degrading them. Their self-worth is just as important as mine.

Recently, I've been degrading a few people - to validate myself and raise my self-esteem. But it didn't. Holding onto this negativeity is hurting me. I'm not learning from it. I'm not bettering myself though the words I speak are just those. "I'm better." I know I'm not. Maybe I'm more in tune with myself, or maybe I love myself more but I have my flaws too. I need to stop worrying myself with others. This is my life. They make me feel inferior because I have given consent.

If I don't concern myself with it - I know nothing about it, it can't hurt me. Wanting to know everything can hurt me. I do not need to know everything. I'm not omniscient. If I know of it, the thoughts are still there. Not knowing keeps the thoughts away - minus the anxious thoughts I created on matters that do not concern me.

this blog covers so much. As usual the thoughts bounced around self-reflection, perhaps? To the end, I'll just say that I shall keep my negativity to a private forum when it regards another. Or to confront them. No more passive-aggressive approaches.

Never have I ever

Today's blog I thought would be a little silly, because I was asked about this list I made senior year last night. This is my Never List. It's the things I've never done that I aspire to one day do. Most of the things are silly. Some of them are serious. It originally had about 100 things on it - it grows constantly. But today I removed all of the things i HAVE done and kept it with just the things I would like to do. Whenever i complete something I put the date next to it. It's kind of like my bucket list, you could say?

Bucket lists and "things to do before I die" are fun, but I, like always, decided to take a more positive approach and label it the things I have never done. Do you have a list like this? I wanna see it! =]

Never:

1. Had a surprise birthday party

2. Broken a bone

3. Been to an exotic country

4. Been off of the North American continent

5. Written a Full Book

6. Had a lingerie photo shoot

7. Had a professional photo shoot

8. Kept my room and closet clean for a year

9. Been to the Grand Canyon

10. Surfed

11. Been on the Radio

12. Gone Toiletpapering

13. Swam with Dolphins

14. Bought and Worn Dominatrix Boots

15. Learned to play guitar

16. Raced a car

17. Did striptease aerobics

18. Driven up PCH from start to finish

19. Been to a Strip Club

20. Ridden a Skateboard in Heels

21. Known more than 2 languages fluently

22. Played spin the bottle

23. been seduced in a foreign language

24. Gone paintballing
    

25. Been serenaded in public

26. Had a cake fight

27. Gotten married

28. Been to a Michigan game

29. Been a mommy

30. Laid down in the middle of the street

31. Been an aunty

32. Watched Aurora Bourealis

33. Seen a meteor shower with someone else

Barbie!

I found this article I wrote for the El Toro High School student newspaper that I was editor in chief of in 2007. I just founded it on my old myspace blogs and remembered how much I loved it. It was a column and a fun read! Enjoy <3

The year 1959 marked Marilyn Monroe's landmark performance in Some Like It Hot; the ending of The Mickey Mouse Club; the addition of Alaska and Hawaii; and the creation of a worldwide pop culture icon that will live on throughout following decades. Someone that young girls looked up to and, eventually, tried to model their bodies after. A blonde bombshell often thought of as a bimbo but who is anything but…Barbie.

For decades Barbie has been a role model to girl's everywhere but in so many more ways than a way to model their bodies after. Barbie stood for a feminist movement while still remaining beautiful on the outside. She started out showing girls they could be a working woman who did not need a guy to depend on.

But in recent years Mattel seems to have fallen victim to the criticism of her not proportional body and has decided to change her look to mirror that of a pre-pubescent girl. If anything, Barbie is giving the nation more of a reason to become anorexic now.

In her latest body-lift she has had her hips and breasts shaved, her waist enhanced and her face made larger – making her seem more off balance than previously. Her face has begun to resemble those of the new Bratz dolls – with gigantic heads and tiny bodies covered in even tinier clothes.

Critics always said Barbie was the cause of the spread of eating disorders, inappropriate dress and the surge in plastic surgery. Newsflash! Barbie is a doll, not living breathing flesh. Children aren't stupid; they know girls aren't supposed to look like that any more than girls are supposed to look like the Cabbage Patch Kids. Girls aren't looking at their Barbie dolls and getting ideas about plastic surgery or eating disorders, they're looking at the models and actresses that grace the covers of their teen magazines and flaunt their assets on the big screen.

Besides, when Barbie wasn't proportional we were "American the Great" not "America the Obese." It might not have a connection, but still.

Barbie obsession swept across the nation as she went from being just a doll to practically ruling the world with her games, "life size Barbie," Christmas ornaments and collectibles covering everything from race to NASCAR.

Recently, MAC has started a new makeup line based off of Barbie's always outrageous makeup – remember the bright pinks of the 90s?

Barbie has always been a pop culture icon and has gone through many phases of life through the changes Mattel has made in her looks and lifestyle (note: working girl to single mom). This last phase change, however, has set a bad tone for the next few generations. Soon girls might be asking if they can have head implants while the girls with "slightly larger hips" want them shaved.

In short, no one is ever going to be content with Barbie – so suck it up and remember…she's just a doll.

!950s Romance

I'm on this new crusade of sorts lately, preaching the amazingness of 20th century dating techniques over the ways we date today. Nura said to me yesterday, "Well, as I've often said, technology is going to be the downfall of romance."

'Tis true. I don't want the modern romance, I want the 1950s version of romance. I think I'll spell out exactly what I mean and I think we'll find that most people will agree with me.

1) We'll start with the initial gesture, shall we? So you like someone? -- well, just because I'm going for the 1950s romance right now I'm gonna say let's have the boy ask you out, BUT I'm always all for girls making the first move, just be careful with that... -- Let's do something that is cute and means a lot...maybe a note or showing up to visit at work or school...

2) Where do we go from there? Phone calls and hand written letters -- mailed or handed over. -- Remember in junior high before we had text messaging? I would always pass notes with the boy I liked. It was always so much more meaningful. I have a box with all of the letters any one has ever sent me...er a couple of boxes but still. Phone calls, are also very sweet. I'm not sure why, probably because you can hear the emotion in their voice!

3) Proper Dates: It appears that the social norm, in the 21st century or in my generation is to go from really liking each other to being a couple and hanging out with friends. Very rarely have I seen the "dating" stage. I.E. I have been on only a handful of what I would consider a proper date. To define, a proper date, to me, would be a one-on-one preconceived outting with someone that has romantic intentions. It means you're not going to eat because you're hungry, you're not staying inside watching a movie, you're not hanging out just you and your friends. This is a DATE. And it doesn't have to be expensive, I love picnics, beach trips, movies, etc. Right now...I REALLY want to go see all of the Chritsmas lights...any takers? =]

4) FLOWERS: Okay so, I feel very deprived. I've never been given a rose by a guy. I HAVE dried roses, but they were always from my parents. I do have an ex who would always give me my favorite flowers - sunflowers. But the problem became, I would get them whenever we would have a fight. Now I see flowers as an apology thing. I don't want flowers as an apology. I want them romantically - like you want to take me on a date. Or just out of the blue!! But not an apology.

5) This last one's kinda cheesy and it's something that I was always against, but right now I'm feeling like...I'd like it. In the 1950's there was the idea of "going steady." That was when you were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. It was kind of like a promise that I want to be with you and maybe someday marry you. Back then "going steady" was important. Now a days, we become boyfriend and girlfriend with people willy-nilly. All of my boyfriends, save one, I dated because I was bored. So, what I'm saying is I want to go steady. But I don't want him to give me his jacket -- I already have a history of stealing boys jackets -- I want a promise ring. It's the modern day equivalent. But it doesn't have to be expensive, I would LOVE a ring from the 25c machine. Although, I do want it to fit so I can wear it all of the time. =]

These might be "high expectations" and some might call me "high maintenance" but I really don't think these are high demands at all. If you're not willing to do these for me I don't want anything to do with you...plain and simple. I know what I want and I won't settle for less. WQ =]



P.s. I have a lot of half written thoughts and blogs, and that is why my posts aren't always posted, etc. A lot of things end up happening and I end up changing my mind or being unable to write at all. But soon I will tell you about my internship and soon I will post my other posts. =]

Briefly

Last night, I wanted to blog about my amazing first day as an intern but I was so exhausted when I got home from class I passed out!! I invision tomorrow being roughly the same, haha.

I can't even write today because I have a big project due tomorrow. I'll try my best to write soon <3
keep being positive, keep being strong.
We'll pull through and we'll hold out.
whatever is meant to make us happiest, will do so.

Take it one day at a time, like me.