Last year, around my 20th birthday I had what I refer to as a midlife crisis, though I certainly hope that was not midway through my life. I know I wrote about it. I wrote about how I wanted it to be 5 years into the future; I wanted to be married with children. My thought process was that I wanted my life to be stable, after a few years of total instability that threw me into this chaotic life crisis.
Since then, I worked daily to make things better – some of which I wrote about as well. I went to the psychologist to get my anxiety under control, switched my birth control to cut out emotional side effects and generally worked toward making every day happier and better. I’ve sort of adopted a policy of DGAF, which, in layman’s terms means “don’t give a fuck.”
It’s funny; the girl who cares too much is now caring so little. It’s not that I care so little about the things that are important to me, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t need to stress about it.
When 2010 began I said to myself, 2010 is going to rival 2007, I can feel it. Overall, halfway through the year, I believe I was right.
2007 was senior year – I had all of my senior fun things, the newspaper was taking off, and I was moving to Ohio. I loved my first semester at Ohio State. 2010 I have so many fun things that come with turning 21 and just being more carefree in general. I’ve had my struggles – car issues, dealing with things with my dad, etc. – but I’m not stressing about them as much. My anxiety is continuing to fade. I work so hard at my magazine, and while I’m not getting paid yet, I’m okay with that. I am moving to Moorpark to go to Cal State Northridge in a week.
My one worry, and it’s a big one, is that it’s all going to end up like it did when I went to Ohio, overall. So many things have changed though, and this is just an anxiety about having anxiety. OCD. Not being in control. I know it all. So I push it aside. Not because I don’t want to deal with it, but because I know that it’s not something to stress out. I will take that obstacle when it comes.
I know I’ve been spouting out euphemisms like this for forever, but I actually feel different this time.
Clearly, it’s been building for a while. On my 21st birthday two things really irked me, but for the weeks leading up I decided I wasn’t going to let anything drag down my birthday. I was going to make it epic and I was going to love every second of it. I did, even the puking and feeling like death. I’d never before let myself lose that control.
It’s not a feeling I want to feel often, although I do admit I drink a lot more than I did before. But I always do it in moderation. Since I’ve developed my DGAF I’m out having more fun (because I’m not inside worrying) and I’m less stressed about my relationships with people. If people want to be my friend or talk to me or have something to say to me they will.
It’s really nice; I finally understand what it’s like to not care about every little thing being perfect. I suppose this is me not being as OCD as I can be. It’s me attempting to be more normal.
Since I’ve turned 21, I don’t want to rush that 25 years old or that married with kids. I’m content and ecstatic with my life. I’m single and I’m having fun with the experiences that I’m having. When I move there may be an opportunity to change that. I’ve been thinking about it for a while – I’ve been hoping for this moment as a make it or break it point. Which I know, it’s not. Life is a series of moments, a series of make it or break it points. “Day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.”
I don’t know what I’m going to do when I move. But I’m very into seeing what happens, day by day. This is exciting. =]
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