Wedding Wednesday Freakout

I've been meaning to put it out there. To own up and let you all know and ask for advice because I sorely need it.

I had my big wedding breakdown about a week and a half ago and now, with 6 months until our wedding date, I don't have a wedding venue.

Yep, cancelled that thing. Nope, I don't have another venue in mind. We're probably not going to get the deposit back...and let's just say it was a hefty deposit.

I'll rewind for a second.

Remember when I said I worked out my budget? Well, I had. But then a series of things happened. Like, Iman's car is on its last legs and will need to be replaced before the wedding. We also both didn't get the raises we thought we would get early enough. I also cut down my hours at my second job because I was just exhausted and unhappy.

All of that combined left us with a situation. We could have the wedding we were planning, if we wanted to spend a couple of years after  our wedding paying it off. Like most people, that's not something we really want to do. We've been doing all we can to get out of debt lately, it doesn't make sense to throw ourselves back in.

Especially when we want to buy a house or condo. But of course, it was up to me to say this. I know that Iman will do anything that I want. He will take me to Vegas tomorrow if that's what I wanted. But I'm the one who wanted the big wedding.

Then I realized, "Yes, I want a big wedding. But that doesn't have to mean a fancy wedding." Yeah, I know what you're saying. Fancy is what most weddings are. I've never been the fancy type. Give me my family and friends and some grub and I am the happiest girl in the world.

It came down to this:

I want to have my daddy walk me down the aisle to my best friend.

I want the people I love to witness and celebrate my best friend and share our promises to each other.

I want to capture the look on his face while we say those vows. 

That's it. That's all that matters to me. The dress is important because of the love my mom is putting into it, and the love of the two moms who purchased important pieces of it.

So my question to you, my lovely friends who probably do not live in California, do you know somewhere for us to get married?

We cut the guest list as low as we could - 150 - and our wedding is in 6 months. A backyard wedding would be wonderful...if I knew someone with a big enough backyard. My aunt has offered, but we all think it might be a tight squeeze.

Our venue budget is around $3k.

Or of course if you want to let me know how not  crazy I am and how normal it is for people to have freak outs and how we are making the smarter decision by saving money, I'd be eternally grateful. Everyone's saying it...but the support is always welcome!!

Check out one of our featured Warrior Queens:

Freak out much?!

I am a stress case. Plain and simple. It's kind of like a walking time bomb only I have a lot of little explosions instead of one big one.

The important thing, though, is that I try not to be a stress case. This may turn out to be counterproductive because I'm stressing about stressing. I have a lot of pressure. It started externally but, because of my drive and how much I love approval, it's manifested into a lot of presure I put on myself (and sometimes others, I'm sorry). Some say I'm a perfectionist, but really things don't have to be perfect. I just need to be in control of my chaos.

I really am trying to have patience and "dgaf" as everyone likes to tell me. "Calm down!" Show me how and maybe I can, but I've been trying to figure out that one for 20 years...There appears to be a part of me that I haven't yet figured out how to get to. Basically, I will freak out but at the same time I will be watching myself freak out, telling myself that it will all work out. I know it will. I can be rational sometimes (though Mr. Shields will never believe that - I'm a crazy person and thus do not count). In the grand scheme of things the fact that I made it to school safely is a bigger deal than the fact that I was 10 minutes late to my midterm. But for some reason in the midst of my freak out that fact doesn't seem to have any weight to it.

The good thing is that I know I'm not alone. I get my "freak outs" from both sides of the family. I also tend to attract people who have freak outs as well. sometimes we feed off each other but generally we can calm each other down in a manner that no one else really can.

I have this believe that everyone freaks out but in different ways. I have several friends who freak out and have panic attacks all the time like I do. But then therea re the people who don't face it and bottle it up and then explode one day. ((I used to be like this)) Both are bad, I guess.

I just need to find the balance where I care enough and give enough but where I'm calmer and not giving all of myself away. That's what I strive for, everyday.