Friday, October 16, 2009

Freak out much?!

I am a stress case. Plain and simple. It's kind of like a walking time bomb only I have a lot of little explosions instead of one big one.

The important thing, though, is that I try not to be a stress case. This may turn out to be counterproductive because I'm stressing about stressing. I have a lot of pressure. It started externally but, because of my drive and how much I love approval, it's manifested into a lot of presure I put on myself (and sometimes others, I'm sorry). Some say I'm a perfectionist, but really things don't have to be perfect. I just need to be in control of my chaos.

I really am trying to have patience and "dgaf" as everyone likes to tell me. "Calm down!" Show me how and maybe I can, but I've been trying to figure out that one for 20 years...There appears to be a part of me that I haven't yet figured out how to get to. Basically, I will freak out but at the same time I will be watching myself freak out, telling myself that it will all work out. I know it will. I can be rational sometimes (though Mr. Shields will never believe that - I'm a crazy person and thus do not count). In the grand scheme of things the fact that I made it to school safely is a bigger deal than the fact that I was 10 minutes late to my midterm. But for some reason in the midst of my freak out that fact doesn't seem to have any weight to it.

The good thing is that I know I'm not alone. I get my "freak outs" from both sides of the family. I also tend to attract people who have freak outs as well. sometimes we feed off each other but generally we can calm each other down in a manner that no one else really can.

I have this believe that everyone freaks out but in different ways. I have several friends who freak out and have panic attacks all the time like I do. But then therea re the people who don't face it and bottle it up and then explode one day. ((I used to be like this)) Both are bad, I guess.

I just need to find the balance where I care enough and give enough but where I'm calmer and not giving all of myself away. That's what I strive for, everyday.

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