Self-Evaluation

I wrote this in December...

I am who I am. I live my life in extremes. People might consider that bipolarism; it is anything but. I like to feel my emotions to their fullest to see what I can learn from them. I enjoy learning. There are lessons in everything, it just takes a little searching. I don't believe people when they say that life is boring or meaningless. To me, it means that they aren't truly living. I have always been questioned on why I keep myself busy and why I always have an exciting life, a story to tell. The truth is because i live.

At 19, I have figured out exactly HOW to live my life to get the most out of it. I experience it all - i taste it, smell it, see it, hear it, touch it. I like to be busy, because I hate what if's and "could have done's." In this state of control, my life is chaotic. I never know how it is going to turn out and that excites me. I know that it will work though. Somehow, in someway, I will be okay and pull through this because, I was meant to live my life. People never realize how much control i always have in any given situation. I'm a control freak. Those that have worked with me or seen me work on the newspaper know this. But I live my life in a way that, the control looks chaotic. It looks like I might tip over the edge and be unstable, but I am far from it. I have never once been so intoxicated with anything that I have lost control or forgotten what has happened. Nor have I allowed myself to completely lose myself to anyone person in love or in anger. My control is always just slack enough for me to truly experience the situation. Maybe i experience too much. I can recall things said, feelings felt, the touch of someone, background noise, tastes, smells...It's incredible. But again, nothing is ever too little. uite the opposite, I feel too much. I care too much about people [[some of whom don't deserve it, in the eyes of others.]] I try to do too much in my day and life [[and end up exhausted or sick]]. But that's okay.

I am determined. Determined to never regret. I don't always understand why things happen or don't happen but I'm okay with that. As a journalist, I'm supposed to ask questions, I just don't always ask myself why. It always reveals itself in time, I have found. No one understands how my only regret is that I didn't visit Gregory enough in the hospital. I wish I could have learned more from him. He was the strongest person I've ever known and he was just a child. For him, I live. For him, I am strong. He is my guardian angel, my hope, my sunlight between the clouds. He pushes me everyday. I believe everyone has the ability to be like this. To put their trust inthemselves. To have faith in life. Not exactly God [[though that IS a part of life]] but in life.

At the same time though, I am scared. I am scared because of how I have been hurt, [[but isn't everyone]]. I try not to let it hinder me, though. Fear can set us back so much, when really it should free us. I am scared of chaos and change, yet they are the only things that have been truly constant in my life aside from a neverending supply of love. I fight myself everyday to overcome my fears. I am my own worst critic; the one thing that disappoints me the most. That's usually why I cry or get so upset in situations. Not because of the other person, but the fact that I allowed it to happen. It's the control thing. It's the OCD. These are the things I dislike about myself, but I am okay with that. I can't have the good without the bad. All I can do is accept it - to accept my flaws. And I do. I hope that you do too. Thank you.