Friday, December 11, 2009

A little bit of everything, but mostly self-reflection

Nasty words like to find themselves on the internet. Especially in relation to other people and eventually manifest themselves into an enormous problem where all parties involved are not feeling any better than when a small, minute issue arose originally. I generally includ this in my definition of girl cruelty. Boys are not immune to it, but they tend to be more blunt with one another (although, not blunt with girls...something about hurting our feelings?!) So why do we do it?!

It temporarily relieves us of pain but the negative energy is still there. Why not cleanse ourselves of this negativity? Embrace the issue and things will move forward. Life is too short to waste our time on all of this frivolity.

I'll admit it though. I've done it. Mine are generally more cryptic like my infamous away message of Spring 2008 "I fucking know I'm better" [Granted in that situation I know I am a better person] but today I feel like what makes me better - why should I think I am more important than another person? I am he as you are he and you are me and we are all together.

I am a hypocrite. But what person isn't? I strive for altruism but I can be very selfish. Because my life is MINE. It's all so complicated and needs to be balanced. I'm working on it.

Back to posting online, however. Why do it in such a public forum? Again, I have been striving for class and better communication. Lately, when I have an issue with someone I am trying to say it to them without degrading them. Their self-worth is just as important as mine.

Recently, I've been degrading a few people - to validate myself and raise my self-esteem. But it didn't. Holding onto this negativeity is hurting me. I'm not learning from it. I'm not bettering myself though the words I speak are just those. "I'm better." I know I'm not. Maybe I'm more in tune with myself, or maybe I love myself more but I have my flaws too. I need to stop worrying myself with others. This is my life. They make me feel inferior because I have given consent.

If I don't concern myself with it - I know nothing about it, it can't hurt me. Wanting to know everything can hurt me. I do not need to know everything. I'm not omniscient. If I know of it, the thoughts are still there. Not knowing keeps the thoughts away - minus the anxious thoughts I created on matters that do not concern me.

this blog covers so much. As usual the thoughts bounced around self-reflection, perhaps? To the end, I'll just say that I shall keep my negativity to a private forum when it regards another. Or to confront them. No more passive-aggressive approaches.


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