Sunday, December 27, 2009

A moment in my mind

My grasp on life has always been rather strong and I, myself, have always been very impatient. "Let it be" and "just go with the flow" have never made complete sense to me, although I have often striven to overcome my impatience and controlling nature. As always though, I am a walking contradiction.

Have you ever wanted anything so bad that you would give up everything for it? Pack up all you belong, move out of your home, quit your job, compromise a part of your dream? I might be reaching that point in my life. Really, what is stopping me? Responsibilities, people depending on me, finances. People have given up more for love.

Whenever I think of this, I think of the travel book Britney had me read last year. About the lady who just packed up and left one day and lived off of 20 dollars a month in some foreign countries making friends and learning. But I don't want to go that far away. Where I want to go won't be that easy on my finances. Where I want to go is my future.

I want to fast-forward through these fantastic times I know I'm going to have to the moment where I am on my own again. To the time that I move out, I have my own room, I have my own things. My things are ogranized, my bed is never empty and he is just a few short miles away. I want to be in school feeling like i am accomplishing something and not just taking classes to have health insurance. To be fair, I have a lot of fantastic things going for me right now. Things are looking up, they're always looking up.

Today, in the Good Morning Sunshine! book that I got my mom for Christmas last year, it talked about forgiveness and the man had the same philosophy as me - holding grudges is a waste of time. So the affirmation for the day was to let go of hurtful emotions. I am a very forgiving person. But I hold on to the other negative emotions that come with the anger and hurt - I hold on to the fear, I suppose.

I don't do it on purpose. I would give anything to let that go too, and I'm trying, through staying positive and psyching myself up to it. But apparently, every little hurt likes to lodge itself into my anxiety and rear it's ugly head whenever things are going fantastically. I'm quite the self-sabotager. I love who I am but this part of me I just think is plain dumb.

I over-think everything. LITERALLY. I look for signs, down to the grittiest details. So, I propose trying to not over-think things. I am going to do what I was doing for most of November - ignore unhappy emotions. Not because I don't want to face them. But to train myself to the proper level of dealing with them. And I'm going to let go all of the anxiety and worry and let it be.

Or at least, I'm going to try to. Let's give this a clean slate, like I've been saying from the start.


  1. Was that the "Eat. Love. Pray." book? I think they're making it into a movie or something....she went to India I believe.

  2. No. I can't remember the name of the book but she went to Mexico, South America, and parts of the South Pacific.


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