Sunday, February 14, 2010

Committed Commitment Phobe

Commitment.

One word, can send a shiver up many people's spines. It's sent several up mine. Hard to believe since I've just gotten myself out of about 3 years of 2 relationships, both lasting more or less the same amount of time.

But if you know me, you know that I like to run...and fast!!

I don't know if it's the fact that I'm a Gemini and I'm extremely flighty or hard to hold onto...I never stick to one thing for long and I get so tired of people so easily. Don't get me wrong! I love my friends and I love to see them all the time but I need to be constantly stimulated and what stimulates me always changes.

It's just in my nature. Obviously, I found someone who was able to hold my attention for a long time. But Sasha's theory is because of the give and take of both relationships. With Hunter, I lived in Ohio when I actually wanted to be with him (fear of commitment red flag!), and we fought all the time. The roller coaster made me want to stay and fight.

To a more extreme degree, the Trevor roller coaster made me want to fight tooth and nail and survive and move in with him and do all kinds of things that people who are afraid of commitment don't want to do. I think, at one point, I was over my fear. Before the roller coaster began back in April. I think that I really was ready to date someone seriously and see them on a regular basis and not freak out. Then again, this is just speculation. Definitely though, what's held me for the last several months, in addition to my love for him, because that's not something I'm doubting, is the attraction he's added to himself by being unavailable and then not.

((Maybe I'm like a guy??))

My dating history is not very strong at all.
1. Jeremy: 3 days.
2. Joey: does this even count?! We lived 50 miles apart and were 13.
3. Theiler: 5 months. I saw him 2 times outside of school...We broke up because I put my friends first...
4. Jared: 2 weeks. He was too clingy.
5. Kyle: 1 week. I wasn't a practicing Christian?
6. Trevor: 5 months. He lived far away, I saw him ONCE.
7. Hunter: 1 year 3 months. We fought and broke up a lot for the first 6 months because I didn't want to be in a relationship. The ensuing 9 months consisted of lots of fighting and me fighting FOR him because I wanted stability or might have loved him in a crazy way?
8. Trevor: officially? Who knows. altogether it was 1.5 year ordeal.


So as you can see, I'm pretty flighty or crazy or something. I suppose I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out. I'm scared that I'm going to be terrified of dating and run away from everyone like I've done to all of the guys in between all of these ones who were able to snag me, at least for just a small amount of time.

I'm not high maintenance, I'm just a lot to handle...

P.S. I don’t wanna get inside your mind or your pants
I don’t wanna waste my time with love and romance
I want my next-ex-girlfriend, my next-ex-girlfriend
I don’t want the fairy tale and
I don’t want the girl from hell
Don't wanna be your biggest mistake
You can be my next-ex-girlfriend, my next-ex-girlfriend
-Bowling For Soup, "Next Ex-Girlfriend"

2 comments:

  1. I remember when you were dating Theiler hahahahahahahaha we all sat on the grass by the bike racks at lunch. He would never realy talk to any of us....like ever.

    Oh n I talk to Hunter from time to time on Facebook. I went over to his house like twice with Colin. Fancy lol I felt poor.

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  2. I'm exactly the same way! I've only wanted to stay with a guy, 2 out of the 10 or so guys I "dated"(including one week, stupid flings). I have to high expectations of what I want a relationship to be. Maybe I've found someone to make me stick around :P

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