Monday, February 8, 2010

Let Go


As the saying goes, when you love someone, you let them go. Or do you let them go because you don't love them? What is love?

It's something I believe in and yet I cannot define it. It's chemical, magical, a feeling, I just don't know. It's weird how someone can physically have such an affect on another person. Some might say what I'm describing is infatuation or lust. But it goes so much deeper than that when you've known the person for years and been best friends.

I want to be in control. Love is the only thing I have surrendered myself to. It's apparent in how I've acted and what I've been willing to sacrifice.

Love conquers all.
All's fair in love and war.
The two have never been more similar.

I suppose I can never know if we truly loved or love each other, but I believe we have. Things get in the way of love. Unfortunately. Life happens. It's all that we've got.

Letting go doesn't mean I've stopped loving. I just had to decide I love me more. People everywhere have to make this unfortunate decision. I'm not giving up on anything. If things are going to work out decisions will lead us back to it.

I have found, however, that I let go awhile ago of the true heart of things. This is slightly disconcerting but also good for my grieving process I suppose. I can't pinpoint the exact moment. The seed of doubt snuck in back in April. It's slowly began unraveling everything ever since. It made these moments easy.

It does hurt though. It hurts like when I've let go of friendships or if I think about restructuring my future and of losing friends. But, that's how life is. There's always restructuring going on.

I get through everyday happy, smiling and having a blast. There are moments when my heart will pound when I think of things. But they're that, fleeting moments.

Nothing and no one has ever consumed me, even though it may have appeared that way from time to time with different people. I knew this would happen, but I needed to try again. I wanted to believe in love.

Ari put it perfectly, "We don't let go because they do care. But the thing is, Rae, someone else will care too."

So do I believe that I only have one person to love? I'm not sure. Really, I feel like you love everyone in a different manner in a different way, so how am I to know?

I'm not closing my heart to love from anyone.

WQ

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