Life Changing Events

Everyday I wake up expecting my day to be a normal day, not routine, because I despise all routines, but there are things that I know need to get done that day, plans I have and promises to keep. But every once in awhile, something happens that will shake my being to the very core.

This is a common human life feeling. People are just minding their own business working when suddenly a plane has crashed into the office building and they are running for your life. Sometimes, you're driving home from the desert and your father calls you to tell you your cousin has died. Other times you're sleeping and you are awoken by your house being on fire. A lot of these life changing events are the result of other people's actions and a lot of them are completely random and life changing like a death or a natural disaster.

They really make a person think and want to live each day. That's my goal every morning I wake up. To live it. To really feel whatever emotions, to breathe in the air, appreciate the beauty. I don't ever want to go through life on auto-pilot doing everything because I have this sense of mindless action. I want responsibility. I want to accept it and live it. I crave chaos. I thrive in it.

Last night, I was thinking about Gregory. That was one of my life changing events. We were driving home from Glamis, perhaps the best weekend I had ever had out there. I was walking in a dream because it was the day after Trevor and I had first kissed. I was giddy. My mom woke me up somewhere around Niland to tell me the news. I cried the whole way home and then some. For weeks, months, forever...nothing's been the same since.

Another life changing event was the day my mom moved out of my dad's house. I was sleeping in Ohio when she called me. It had been just another weekend night hanging out in the dorms by myself. After that, nothing was the same. Ultimately, it shaped my decision to move home, my need to be closer to my family vastly outweighed my love for the school and my thirst for knowledge.

Last year, the house fire changed my life in a bigger way than either of those. See, Gregory made me want to live life like him -- as happy as I could be and to not let the little things get me down. My parent's split made me truly value my relationships and truthfully, made me fearful that not everything is always going to work out in a relationship even when there is still love. But the house fire, that was my life that was on the line. I didn't really realize it at the time. There wasn't smoke in my house but the fear was there. It gave me this unfulfillable need to be closer to those I love, to tell them everyday I love them.

I've always been a fairly affectionate person, hugging and kissing my friends every chance I can. But slowly it's grown over time. I can't let a day slip past me waiting patiently or just knowing that I love someone. I need to shout it from the rooftops everyday! Not because it's a habit to tell them I love them, but because what if something happened and I were to lose them forever? I would always regret that I didn't tell them I loved them more, that I didn't hug them enough...

See, that's my one regret -- I didn't visit Gregory in the hospital enough. It's an irrational regret because I was smart by not visiting him. I was afraid of getting him sick and I knew he knew I loved him. I would play over at his house every chance I could get...but I couldn't go to the hospital. He felt so much more vulnerable there. Like my breath would just knock him over. So I stayed away. When he died I hadn't seen him 2 or 3 months. That's not a big stretch of time to go without seeing someone. Some people go years! But when you only live for 8 years...that's a pretty large amount of time.

I'm not too sure what I'm getting at because I started this with a different direction in mind like usual. I guess Gregory is just dominating my thoughts right now. Originally, I wanted to lead this thought into the earthquake in Haiti along with the countless of other tragedies that happen everyday and go without the media coverage.

Please, please, please do what you can. I'm too poor to donate right now, but when I get paid next week I will do my best. Yesterday Eric and I were talking about how we wanted to go over there and help. I can't stand to think of people in critical danger. I try to ignore it, though I know it doesn't change the facts. It just masks the event and makes me a little more selfish. But somedays, we gotta do that to take care of ourselves.

Again, this is the wrong direction. Don't ignore it. Do something about it. Be the change. Be you. Be a warrior queen! They are all one and the same.

Help out! I remember when I went to Gulfport after Hurricane Katrina. I learned so much and I helped someone! I saw the look on her face. She was so happy even though after our 4 days there her house was still nowhere near complete. There was just such a sense of love throughout that whole trip. I'm not Christian, but the love I found at the church we stayed at and the church that fed us volunteers...it left me in awe. I may not believe in an orgainzed religion but I believe in love, that is my religion.

Still, I get off my train of thought; I should have known that my scatterbrained behaviors today would translate into this posting. But I hope you understand it. I hope you love.

p.s. I have noticed I have a trend of sleeping and being awoken by life changing events. Kind of metaphoric if you ask me.